Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Garv

 Theme song(to the Spiderman theme): "Sailor Garv, Sailor Garv, he's the best in the world Sailor Garv, where there's crime, he fights it, he's 300 pounds of beefy sh*t, oh yeah, here comes the Sailor Garv, watch out for Sailor Garv, he's your hero he's Garv *high pitched voice: Gaaaarv!"

*In case you didn't guess, it's sung to the tune of Spiderman...*

A Slayers fanfic by Christina Rose (Chrissy-chan)

        "Soon to be released in Japan for the first time ever: Sailor Deep Sea IV for Playstation! Feel the thrill of defeating the forces of evil as the beautiful and undefeatable Sailor Deep Sea!"
        "In the name of Ruby Eye, I will punish you!" A beautiful blue-haired girl winked at viewers from the television screen behind the glass window of an electronics store, and every young schoolgirl standing in front of the display let out a sigh of longing in unison. Various voices mingled as the crowd slowly dispersed.
        "Why can't I be beautiful and popular like her.."
        "I wish I could be a superhero.. then I would have an excuse not to do homework! A superhero can't be bogged down with silly details like schoolwork!"
        "Let's go shopping! I heard they had a new Sailor Deep Sea makeup kit at that store in the mall.."
        As the last of the girls departed, three people were left standing, talking. The first one was tall and buff, with bright red hair and a bright orange trench coat. He had bushy red eyebrows, and a gruff-looking face. The second one was less tall and much more slender, with a dark, navy blue school uniform, and shoulder-length green hair that spiked out near the top of his head, as well as a grey horn. He had narrow, pale yellow eyes. The third one was a young child of about 10, with an elementary school uniform on, and shoulder-length navy blue hair. He had large, bright green eyes full of youth and energy.
        "Oh, I wish I could be a hero like Sailor Deep Sea.." Garv commented to the others.
        "Garv-sama, you would make a great superhero!" ValGarv spoke eagerly.
        "Yeah! It would be so cool!" Phibrizo hopped up and down excitedly, "To be able to fight evil in the name of Ruby Eye-sama!"
        "Maybe then I could be popular like all the other boys in school. You two are my only friends.." Garv sniffled and blew his nose into a Kleenex, as ValGarv's eyes teared up in sympathy.
        "Poor Garv-sama, of course you deserve better than this!"
        "Ooh! Ooh! I know, let's go get some ice cream and then go shopping!" The other two perked up at Phibrizo's suggestion, and nodded eagerly.
        "Okay, let's go!" They all started down the street towards the local ice cream store, and slowed down as they heard a heated argument from inside the store.
        "What do you MEAN you don't have twelve gallons of Rocky Road?! I'm HUNGRY!" A young, slender girl with long red hair and red eyes was yelling at a helpless store clerk from across the counter, as a tall boy with long blonde hair, with a large build and light blue eyes sat over to her side, watching.
        "P-p-please don't hurt me!" The clerk was holding his hands up in surrendering position. "I'll give you anything you ask for! Just spare my family, I beg of you!"
        Garv, ValGarv, and Phibrizo all looked at each other and frowned. "Is she trying to rob that store?" Of course, since they were talking, they didn't hear the next part of the conversation..
        "Spare your family, what are you talking about! I just want twelve gallons of Rocky Road! It's not like I'm holding up the store or anything, but if you don't have it, I'll just settle for six gallons of that, and six gallons of Cookies 'n Creme. Will that work?"
        "But that's all of our stock..."
        "Tough luck! The customer is always right, so tell me what my total will be!"
        As the three were wondering what they could do to save the poor clerk from the scary red-haired girl, a man approached them. He was tall, of average build, with hazel eyes and slightly spiky black hair, and wore an expensive-looking black tuxedo. As he advanced towards Garv, the others felt a sense of awe and stepped out of his way.
        "You are the one that I have been searching for." He spoke in a calm tone of voice.
        "What?" Garv blinked dumbly.
        "My name is Grausherra, but you can call me Tuxedo Dynast. That girl in there is Lina Inverse, poster girl for chaos and destruction, invincible princess of darkness, She of Many Bad Nicknames. As well as her sidekick, the swordsman Gourry Gabriev."
        "You mean, she's really the legendary Dra-Mata, Lina Inverse?!" Garv and the others all gasped in varying degrees of shock and horror.
        "Yes. And you are the only one who can stop her, Garv!" Tuxedo Dynast pointed dramatically to emphasize his point, then continued, "You are the Sailor Senshi chosen by Ruby Eye himself, that legends uncountable speak of, and I was sent by Sailor Deep Sea herself to find you!"
        "Really? Does that mean that Garv-sama gets a cool title like Sailor Deep Sea?"
        "Cool! This means that if he gets any video games, we get them for free!" ValGarv and Hellmaster both looked rather happy.
        "Hey, what IS my title then?" Garv gave Tuxedo Dynast a skeptical look. Tuxedo Dynast looked up thoughtfully, sweating slightly.
        "Well, Deep Sea never really told me what your title was supposed to be.. I thought it would come to you naturally, or something.. does this mean I have to come up with it now?" A flash of inspiration struck him. "I know! Your new title will be.. Bishoujo Senshi, Sailor Garv! ...what? You don't like it?"
        None of the group looked particularly impressed.
        "Isn't Bishoujo an adjective used to describe females?" ValGarv narrowed his eyes, looking at Tuxedo Dynast.
        "And what kind of a great superhero name is Sailor Garv?" Phibrizo looked disappointed.
        "Well, excuse me for not being able to come up with good names! SHE said the same thing about me!" Tuxedo Dynast fumed angrily, then slowly turned to look at Phibrizo, "...you?"
        "Yes?" Phibrizo blinked innocently.
        "This is wonderful! I found both of them, without having to make two trips! You are the legendary Sailor Chibi Hellmaster that I have also been searching for!" (Author's Note: We all know Sailor Chibi Moon is pure evil. I found the most accurate replacement for her that I could.)
        "Really? That's so cool! I get a costume and everything, right?" Phibrizo smiled sweetly.
        "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Garv.. huh?" Garv smiled to himself, liking the name. "And in there is the natural enemy of all who live, Lina Inverse? Doesn't that make it my duty to defeat her in the name of Ruby Eye-sama?"
        "Wait!" ValGarv protested, looking upset. "Garv-sama and Phibrizo-chan both get to be Sailor Senshi.. what about me?"
        "Well, the legends say nothing of anyone with spiky green hair. Sorry, you're out of luck." Tuxedo Dynast shrugged. ValGarv pouted in abject disappointment.
        "I'm sorry, Garv-sama, I can't help you any.. but, don't worry! I'll cheer you on from the sidelines!" Garv ruffled his spiky hair.
        "That's so sweet of you, ValGarv. But, for now, I have to transform into Sailor Garv! How do I do it, Tuxedo Dynast?"
        "Just shout the first words that come to mind."
        "Yoshi... Demonic Dragon Lord Power!" As beautiful swirls of light surrounded him, Garv's orange trench coat faded into nothing, and as he spun lightly around in the air, a white sailor fuku with a maroon ribbon and blue pleated skirt appearing on his form. As the swirls of light faded, he struck a dramatic pose, flashing big, hairy legs, fingers extended in the V-pose, "Bishoujo Senshi, Sailor Garv!"
        "Hellmaster Power!" Hellmaster twirled through the air, elementary school uniform being replaced by a white and pink sailor fuku. He struck another dramatic pose. "Sailor Chibi Hellmaster!"
        Three passers-by on the street were busy retching their guts out at having happened to see Garv naked.
        Meanwhile, in the ice cream store, Lina was happily enjoying her fourth gallon of Cookies 'n Creme, and Gourry was tearing into his third gallon of Rocky Road.
        "Gohan lalala! I love ice cream!" But as she took another huge bite, the door to the store was kicked open, revealing three dark silhouettes surrounded by white light, and she was so startled by the sound that she choked on her ice cream. Gourry blinked, and glanced up curiously.
        "Chotto matta!" As the light faded, Lina saw a handsome man in a tuxedo, a young feminine child in a pink sailor fuku, and.. the most horrible sight imaginable, a very big man in a small sailor fuku. She had been gulping down the rest of her glass of Coke in a desperate attempt to wash the ice cream down, but at this sight, all of the Coke she was drinking was spewed out.
        "Hey, Lina, are you alright?!" Gourry hit her hard over the back to try and help.. knocking her facefirst into the table. Her hand shot up, grabbed Gourry, and slammed him facefirst into the table as well, giving her a handhold to help stand up again.
        "Criminal fiend, Lina Inverse! In the name of Ruby Eye, we will right this wrong and triumph over your evil! I am Sailor Garv, and you will be punished!" Garv struck another pose. In the background, Valgarv waved around a banner that read: "Garv-sama banzai!" Lina finally gulped the ice cream down and took a deep breath.
        "Who the hell are you people and what do you think you're doing interrupting my meal?! And what kind of a name is Sailor Garv, anyway?!"
        "Don't make fun of my name! Prepare to be punished!"
        "Yeah! What he said!" Sailor Chibi Hellmaster shook a fist at Lina. "I am Sailor Chibi Hellmaster, and in the name of Ruby Eye-sama, I will defeat you!"
        "ARGH! Not MORE of you guys! It's bad enough having to deal with that crackpot Sailor Deep Sea, without having more of you! Can't I just eat in peace? Is that too much to ask?!"
        "Oi, Lina, don't you think that guy has sexy legs?" Gourry remarked, right before Lina slammed him into the table again.
        "What on earth is wrong with you, Gourry, asking things like that?!"
        "It was just a comment!" Gourry responded indignantly as he pulled his face back out of the table, rubbing his head.
        "We have more important things to worry about now!" Lina glared at the three angrily. "For ruining Lina Inverse's meal, the punishment is severe pain!"
        "Oh yeah?! Take this! Pink Sugar Laguna Blast!" Sailor Chibi Hellmaster shot both arms forward, firing a swirl of pink sugar that surrounded both Lina and Gourry and closed tighter and tighter.
        "Good job, Sailor Chibi Hellmaster!" But, as Tuxedo Dynast started to congratulate him, they all noticed that the swirl of sugar was growing smaller and smaller..
        "This stuff is great, Lina!"
        "You said it, Gourry! I wish I had some lemonade to go with it!" Both Sailor Senshi's jaws dropped in shock as Lina and Gourry licked their lips and gulped the last of it down. Tuxedo Dynast just nodded to himself.
        "As I thought. Their appetite is greater than any normal human could possibly fathom."
        "But, how can I hope to defeat monsters so horrible?!" Sailor Chibi Hellmaster was looking scared.
        "It's alright, I can defeat them with my super Sailor attack!" Sailor Garv posed, then raised one hand into the air, pointing it at Lina and Gourry. "Garv Flare!"
        Lina and Gourry desperately both threw themselves to the side to dodge it. Lina stood up and clenched her fists.
        "Alright.. I gave you guys a fair shot.. now it's time to give you a taste of what I can do! Flare Arrow!" She shot several flaming arrows at the Sailor Senshi, who both flailed madly while trying to dodge. Tuxedo Dynast stepped forward, not looking bothered by the arrows in the least.
        "I have a message from Sailor Deep Sea."
        "Sailor Deep Sea? Lina, who's that?" Gourry blinked innocently.
        Lina sighed, burying her forehead in the palm of her hand, "Gourry, forget it, you wouldn't remember even if I told you she was the weird girl that claimed she was our rival in the search for the legendary Claire Bible.."
        "Excuse me..." Tuxedo Dynast cleared his throat politely. Lina and Gourry both quieted down, as well as Garv and Phibrizo. "Thank you. Now then, I will continue. 'Neither you nor your master Xelloss will stand in the way of my ultimate prize. Ahahahahahaha. The next time we meet will be our last.' Do you have anything to say to that?"
        "Yeah, I've got something to say to that.. DIL BRANDO!" The ground around ValGarv, Sailor Garv, Sailor Chibi Hellmaster, and Tuxedo Dynast, erupted in an upward explosion that reached through the roof of the store, leaving the four still standing there, charred and soot-covered. "First of all, Xelloss isn't my master! Second, that Claire Bible is gonna be MINE!" Tuxedo Dynast sighed.
        "Fine.. I suppose I'll have to demonstrate my point. Dynast Bras!" A pentagram traced itself around Lina and Gourry, surrounding both of them with lightning and zapping them.
        "Waaaaaah! Gourry, DO SOMETHING!"
        "Hikari yo!" As Gourry's Sword of Light activated, all of the lightning was redirected and absorbed into the blade of light, giving it a yellow tinge.
        "Quickly, while they're distracted!" Dynast shouted to Garv. Cheesy theme music began to play as Garv spun in the air, gathering energy, "GARV... FLARE!!" This time, both Lina and Gourry took the blast full force, and fell over, charred and twitching, fingers extended in the Takahashi pose. The Sword of Light faded out, leaving only the hilt behind in Gourry's hands. Garv did a V-pose. "Victory!"
        "Banzai Garv-sama! Banzai!" Valgarv cheered.
        "Yatta! Yatta!" Sailor Chibi Hellmaster bounced up and down happily. Dynast didn't look quite as pleased.
        "We should leave quickly. That was a mere sample of those two's power, and if they recover before we're gone, we'll have more problems. We must first find Sailor Deep Sea and join forces with her, and then we will stand a chance of defeating them together!"
        "But they're just lying there defenseless! We can finish them off here and now!" Garv protested, looking confused.
        "You idiot!" Tuxedo Dynast turned to face him, "Do you want our ratings to plummet?!"
        "Oh no, I completely forgot! You're right, we must have a villain that lasts for more than one episode! Sailor Chibi Hellmaster, ValGarv, Tuxedo Dynast, let's go!" The four men dashed out of the store, down the street, over the horizon towards the beautiful sunset.

        Meanwhile, somewhere far away, in a dark, foreboding laboratory, Xelloss frowned slightly as he watched his crystal, despite the fact that his eyes were closed and there was no conceivable way he could have possibly seen anything anyway.
        "So, they've found the legendary Sailor Senshi, and his name is Garv... Yare, yare... so much to think about..."
        "Xellopon, will it be a problem?" The image of a tall, slender woman with olive skin and pink-tinged white hair appeared before him, smoking a cigarette in an old-fashioned feminine cigarette holder.
        "Queen Xellass Metallium." Xelloss bowed immediately, holding one arm across his chest in salute.
        "Answer my question, Xellopon. They've found Sailor Garv and Sailor Chibi Hellmaster, and they proved to be a match for your finest warriors. What will you do?" Xelloss smiled as Xellass asked him this.
        "Why, Juu-ou-sama, you underestimate me! They had trouble defeating Lina-san, and she was hardly using any of her more effective spells, due to the restrictions of being inside a business establishment. She doesn't realize the role she plays in this, but she has proven to be a suitable tool, as well as her sidekicks."
        "Is that so? Xellopon, you know that I want that Claire Bible back, and I expect results. Make your Lady proud." The image of Queen Metallium slowly faded.
        "Of course, Juu-ou-sama... of course." Xelloss smiled, as the scene itself faded to black.

*END*

Author's Notes: First of all, I want to thank my trusted colleague and best friend Frank for giving me the inspiration to write this horrid piece of work. Without him, I never would have thought any of this up. As an explanation for the name Xellopon, I originally found it in the Slayers Dra-Mata artbook, as the nickname for a picture of superdeformed Xelloss sipping a cup of hot tea. I thought it would be a cutely appropriate name for his master to call him. If you have any comments, flames, or death threats, please direct them to lemina_ausa@hotmail.com. I enjoy reading feedback from my readers, so please feel free to drop me a line!

Back to the Fanfics Page