Xellos gets hitched! (Part I)
by FeatherFall 

It was bright sunshine this morning on the castaways' island. Bright, glaring sunshine. It felt like a large 100 W lightbulb straight in the face. That was Gourrigan's first thought as he carefully opened an eye, slowly scanning the landscape for the lightbulb, but only seeing the usual spotlight in the sky. He closed that eye a split second after, willing that invisible lightbulb to appear and get it over with, so it could be properly smashed to bits. However, upon opening both eyes and seeing that nothing persisted in appearing, he just groaned himself awake and decided it wasn't worth the effort to close his eyes again. Sleepily rubbing the grains of sand from his eyes, he gave his mind full control of his body, for once, and he gave it the task to find out where he was and what had happened. About 5 minutes later, his mind came back with the answer to the first question:

Mind: "You are lying on top of funny bumps."

Gourrigan, thinking to himself: "Funny bumps, really? Let me see..."

He slid his right hand under his back, groping for the funny bumps...

Gourrigan: "Well I'll be damned...There ARE funny bumps under there...Squeezy squeezy!"

*Squeeze*

Lina: "WAAAAAAAAAUGH!! Gourrigan, what on earth do you think you're doing lying on top of me and squeezing my breasts like that!? I'm gonna kill you you insensitive chest-obsessed gimp!!"

*Bang* *wallop* *plus various extremely painful-sounding noises*

30 seconds later, Lina was standing up next to a compact ball where one of Gourrigan's eyes was visible, blinking back tears of pain. She was still quivering in anger and it looked like it was going to be a long day for everyone else.

She stopped shaking as she suddenly realized that not only she and Gourrigan were lying on a deserted strip of beach, not anywhere near their huts, but that Amelia, Filia and Rezo were also sprawled there, unconscious.

"What on earth is going on here!" she murmured softly. "Where are the others?"

A vivid picture of where Martina and Zangulus could possibly be, along with a no less vivid picture of what they were most probably doing, came to her mind and she shuddered.

"Allright, maybe I don't want to know where those two are..." she amended, "but it's always better to know where that little backstabber Xellos is before it's too late...Gourrigan!"

Gourrigan, in a pained voice: "Yes Lina?"

Lina pointed a decided and unconditional finger at Gourrigan's nose:
"Three simple questions: 1.) Where are we 2.) What happened 3.) Where on earth is everybody?!"

Gourrigan thought about this for a second, reflecting that the "funny bumps" answer just might not apply any more. He chose his words carefully:

"1.) We are on a deserted strip of beach about 2 km's from our village,
2.) I can't remember anything because of the hangover,
3.) I have no idea."

Lina raised a questionning eyebrow: "Hangover? Oh yeah, you're right...I do have a hangover too...That answers my fourth question, 'Why does my head hurt'...Ok, this clears up part of what happened, we must have all gotten drunk and passed out here...And this means..."

She suddenly started running towards the snoozing form of Amelia and, grabbing her by the collar, shook the living snot out of her.

"This is all your fault Amelia, you're the one who suggested that we ferment Funky Fruit juice, 'to see if it tasted better that way', indeed!"

Amelia, through rattling teeth: "I...I only th-thought it wou-would be f-fun, Miss Lina!"

Lina, still peeved: "Grrrr! Then maybe you can tell me what happened last night? Thanks to your nice brewing skills, I can't recall anything!"

Amelia, meekly: "Well, to be frank, I'm afraid I don't recall much either, Miss Lina..." She blushed suddenly, arousing Lina's suspicions.

Lina: "Don't tell me...Zelgadis took off his clothes?"

Amelia gulped and hurriedly looked away to hide the fact that she was blushing furiously.

Lina: "Well, well, it's always the quiet ones...Damn, why don't I remember that too...And anyway what were YOU doing drinking? I thought you were underage?"

Amelia: "Uhm, Miss Lina, so are you...you're only 17, remember?"

Lina had that sudden feeling that all wine bottles feel when they're being corked. All she can do is twitch her right index finger while looking for words to say, but none came. Eventually, in a blazing display of fury, she stalked off to where Rezo was lying, snoring loudly, and slapped his head off to vent a bit.

"Wake up damn you, there's no reason you should be blissfully sleeping when I'm being ANGRY!"

*slapslapslap*

Rezo woke with a start: "Gah! what on earth is going on here? Why did I do?"

Lina, dangerous tone of voice: "How about you tell me what happened last night?"

Rezo suddenly started to sweat profusely and stammered: "A-hahaha, uhm, last night? Why, I'm so sorry Lina, I didn't see anything..." He covered his eyes with his hands and gave her a silly grin, waiting for other people to play the two other monkeys. Realizing that he was alone in his stupid little imitation, he lowered his hands and chuckled nervously.
"Well, I REALLY didn't see anything...honest..."

"Oh for Pete's sake!" Lina shouted as she walked determinedly towards Punching Bag #4, Filia, who dared to still be asleep after all the noise the sorceress made. Lina rolled up her sleeves, intending to let Filia know just how bad a crime that is, when suddenly, one might even say intentionally, Filia's hand twitched and drew up her skirt a little, revealing the Big Black Mace(tm) hidden under. Lina stopped dead in her tracks, one leg still up.

"Uhm, I think I'll go back to the village to see who else is there..." she said, very quietly, before slowly backing off and Levitationing her way back to their huts.

Back at the village....

Lina landed gracefully, noticing immediately how quiet the village was. She held her breath, straining to perceive a sound, any sound, but there was none to hear, not even from Martina and Zangulus's hut. Cautiously, she peered inside every hut. Martina and Zangulus's was, amazingly, empty.

Lina, mystified: "What the..."

The girls' hut was also empty...
But the boys' wasn't...She found Xellos flung across the back of a chair, snoring softly and mumbling in his sleep. Intrigued, she tip-toed closer and leaned down next to him to hear:

Lina, whispering: "Whatcha dreaming about, Xellos?"

Xellos quietly giggled and muttered: "Filia..."

Lina, grinning: "Ahhh, so you DO love her after all!"

Xellos, now snickering: "I put a gross bug in her hair...hee hee...*snore*"

Lina: "..."

Xellos now sighed longingly and whispered: "Lina..."

Lina started at this unexpected mention of her name: "Er, and what did you put in MY hair? Think carefully, Fruitcake..."

Xellos, smiling sweetly: "Nothing..."

Lina started to smile: "And what is Lina doing in your dream?"

Xellos, chuckling: "Taking a bath at the waterfall...I'm just peeping on her...hee hee hee"

Lina: *blink blink* "FIREBALL!!"

Xellos twitched in a corner of the hut for a moment, trying to gather his scattered and carbonized thoughts.

Xellos: "Wha- What on earth?"

Lina, positively fuming: "Leave me out of your sick fantasies, you pervert!"

Xellos, blushing: "Eh? How did you... I mean, uh-oh.."

Lina, looking very cross indeed: "You've got 30 seconds to improve my mood: what happened last night?"

Xellos: "Eh? Well, we all got drunk on Funky Fruit juice, what else?"

"I want details, Fruitcake" she growled.

Xellos scratched the back of his head, glancing upwards in thought: "You know what, I don't really recall anything specific...I recall dimly Rezo claiming he could play that stupid pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game better than anyone and eventually pinning it on himself...I recall Zelgadis giggling even more than Sylphiel usually does and commenting that Depeche Mode was the most uplifting and cheerful music ever...I think he also tangoed with Amelia to one of their songs...I personally prefer to just drink and plot evil to Depeche Mode, it just feels more natural, it's...Uhm..I think you don't want to hear about that, do you?" he added, seeing Lina grow fangs. "Oh well, I also remember that Sylphiel and Naga ran off into the forest, don't know why, don't want to know. As for Martina and Zangulus, they fled to the north end of the island, near that mini-mart you guys found."

Lina: "FORMER mini-mart, it never reappeared."

Xellos: "Yeah well, maybe they went to check on it, what do you think? Although on second thought, I think we both know what happened to them, right?"

Lina: "Right, let's talk about something else. Where's Zelgadis?"

Xellos: "Follow the clothes trail and you'll find him, I say..."

Lina: "So he DID take off his clothes yesterday! Anything else spicy happen that I don't remember?"

Xellos: "Nothing I remembered, anyway..."

Lina opened her mouth to say something, then noticed something on Xellos's hand: "Xellos....you have a ring? A wedding ring?"

Xellos jumped up at this and stared in disbelief at a ring of woven coconut fibers, circling his ring finger.

"What the...did I get married in drunken stupor?" he blurted out.

"Ooh!" Lina squealed in delight. "Let's go back to the beach where the others are, I bet it's FILIA!"

Xellos *sweatdropping*: "Will you stop trying to match me with that violent dragon wench?"

Lina: "Oh, he's blushing, hee hee, now I'm sure it's her, let's go!"

She grabbed Xellos by the arm and before he knew what was happening, they were flying at high speed towards the beach. Lina landed once again gracefully, dropping Xellos unceremoniously to the ground.

Lina, excitedly: "Where's Filia?"

Amelia: "She's still there, sleeping, Miss Lina, is something wrong?"

Lina was about to run towards Filia's slumbering form, when Xellos pulled her back.

Xellos: "Let ME handle this..."

Lina, suspicious: "Alright, but if I see you put a bug in her hair, you're a fried Fruitcake."

Xellos:"Ahh, don't worry...I'll wake her up nicely..." He dropped to the ground next to Filia and whispered in her ear: "Filia...it's me, Xellos..."

A second later, Filia started growling in her sleep and her tail, complete with bow, popped out.

Xellos, grinning: "Perfect!"

He took a deep breath, and with all his might, pulled on poor Filia's tail who jolted awake with a painful yelp.

"Yipe! What did you do that for, you rude, mannerless Mazoku slime?!" she yelled at Xellos, shaking with laughter next to her.
Burning with anger, she quickly reached for her mace and took a swipe at him, but the nimble Mazoku merely dodged and retaliated by lightly bapping her on the head with his staff, most likely conjured up from Hammerspace.

Filia, on the verge of tears: "Kiiiii! Why must you always torment me like that! *she clasped her hands* All I want is to be left alone, but you, unfeeling, cruel, big meanie of a Mazoku, you always...Eh? Er, what are you doing?"

She said this as he had taken her hands in his and was looking at them very intently.

Filia, blushing a bright tomato red: "What...Are you going to...kiss me?"

Xellos, looking up sharply: "Hm? Certainly not, I was just looking to see if there was a ring..." Seeing none, he got up and looked triumphantly at Lina: "See? I told you it wasn't her! Now, who did I marry last night then..." he added pensively, looking at the straggly ring on his finger.

Filia followed his gaze, and turned a greenish shade of white: "Kyaaaaa! You pervert!! I told you not to do it, but you STILL did it! Eeeeeeek, you are so low!!"

Xellos turned towards her in astonishment: "You remember? Then who was it?"

Filia: "Don't get close to me, you disgusting debauched piece of slime! EEEEEEEEEE!"
The strain of so many violent emotions was finally too great for her to bear and she warped in dragon form, fleeing to another part of the island to wreak havoc on some innocent vegetation and terrify some innocent bystanding bugs.

Lina: "Great, now we won't know unless we search everybody..."

Xellos, eye twitching about that "debauched" comment: "I seem to recall you weren't any better last night, when you tried to undress Rezo claiming he had put all his clothes on backwards..."

Rezo: "It wasn't true? I mean, I knew that... I was just too happy with the state of things to stop her..."

Xellos, Lina & Amelia: "..."

Gourrigan: "Uhh...What's everybody talking about? Don't kill me please!"

Lina, dismissively: "Oh, it's just that Xellos got married yesterday while being drunk and he doesn't remember to whom."

At the mention of this, Amelia, Rezo and Gourry looked (or felt) frantically at their hands, breathing a sigh of relief noticing they are ringless.

Lina, pursuing: "Plus, we can't find Zel, nor Sylphiel or Naga. As for Martina and Zangulus, we don't want to know."

Gourrigan: "Well, I don't know for you guys, but I think I would like to..."

Lina, louder: "We don't want to know."

Gourrigan: "Right, we don't."

Lina: "So, I suggest that we forget about them, split up and go look for our missing friends."

Rezo, slyly: "Lina, you know very well I can't do that..."

Lina, rolling her eyes: "Fine then, your job will be to stay here and take a sunbath."

Rezo, smiling wide: "Will do!" He then plopped down on the sand, took off his robes with surprising speed and flung them away, putting on sunglasses, for all the good it will do him.

Lina: "Alright, we'll split in teams of two, Amelia goes with me, Gourrigan you go with Xellos."

Gourrigan, looking longingly at Rezo: "Can't I take a sunbath too?"

Lina, in her absolutely-no-way-in-hell-voice: "No."

Gourrigan: "Oh, that's right, I'm searching the woods with Xellos, gotcha..."

Lina nodded to herself in satisfaction as she walked away into the forest with Amelia, in direction of the eastern part of the island.

Amelia, suppressing a giggle: "Rezo wears... Carebears boxers?"

Lina, snickering softly: "I know, I noticed too... hee hee hee... Who would have thought he was such a big softie after all, hahaha!"

Meanwhile, in the westward-bound search party, Xellos was giggling to himself, reflecting how fun it was when one's victim was blind and couldn't tell between a normal pair of boxers, and a special humiliation-factor-12 pair of Carebears boxers he'd just conjured up...

20 minutes later...

The girls' search party was steadily progressing through the dense foliage, mainly due to Lina's numerous impatient fireballs, creating a nice way for them where there was none before. Or not much anyway. Or at least, there were some branches in the way. A few of them.

Lina: "What's the big idea putting all those trees in my way anyway! Huh? What's this?"

She stopped in mid-Fireball, noticing a strange, conical object lying upright in the dirt.

Lina & Amelia: "What's that?"

Valgarv: "Oh, I believe that would be my horn, would you care to throw it in the bushes to your left? I'm afraid I dropped it earlier..."

Lina & Amelia: "You...dropped it?"

Valgarv, still nowhere to be seen: "Yes, please throw it in the bushes to your left, I feel all naked without it..."

Lina, not knowing whether to laugh at the ludicrousness of the situation or just cry out in terror knowing one of her most destructive nemeses was on the island, slowly picked up the shiny, twisted horn, and ever so gently threw it in the bushes.
A few seconds later came an unexpected sound.

*Skwiik* *Skwiik* *Skwiik*

Amelia: "Uhm, Mister Valgarv, what are you doing?"

Valgarv: "Screwing it back on, why?"

Lina: "I think I'll refrain from making a very tasteless joke with the words "horny" and "screwing"..."

Amelia: "Wise idea, Miss Lina."

A few moments later, Valgarv stepped out, wearing his black coat and cape that let his navel show and his white baggy pants. As usual, he was posing with casual flair, trying to show his horn and nice muscular body to their best advantage.

Lina: "Uhm, Val, does your horn often fall?"

Valgarv: "Unfortunately yes, I'm thinking of stapling that thing to my forehead so it would stop doing that. How can I achieve this perfect rebel look if this splendid manly phallic symbol isn't crowning my head?"

Lina, whispering to Amelia: "I think we should take him to Gourrigan after this for a full Freudian analysis... he's really good at those, you know..."

Amelia merely nodded.

Valgarv kept talking, paying no heed to that little comment: "But anyway, I guess that's what I get for buying it in special..."

Lina: "Wha-? Buying it? Waitaminnit, I thought it sprouted out of your forehead when Garv turned you into a Mazoku..."

Valgarv: "Well, that's what I like people to believe, it's not very impressive to go 'Oh look at this nice fierce killer horn I have, I bought it at discount price at Wal-Mart', don't you agree?"

Lina: "Erm, well, yeah, I guess... Anyway, what are you doing here?"

Disembodied voice: "It's a plot twist."

Lina & Amelia: "Oh no!"

Disembodied voice: "Oh yeah!"

Valgarv, eyes glowing: "Am I to understand I am unwelcome here, Lina Inverse?"

Lina: "Erk, no, that's not it, no, it's just that...uhm...oh, nevermind..."

Amelia: "Who are you? Show your true self, fiend!"

Disembodied voice: "FIEND? How rude! I should write a bondage scene with you and Rezo to punish you!"

Amelia & Lina: "Gak! That means... you're this week's writer?"

Disembodied voice: "Hm-hmm!"

Suddenly, a figure materialized in a tree right next to them. The figure was a young woman with long black hair and large, mischievous grey eyes. She was wearing a short purple kimono with the "konomi" kanji on it, and tight black pants. She was sitting on a low tree branch with her crossed legs dangling, smiling at Lina and Amelia like a strange Cheshire Cat. The first thing the two girls noticed, however, was the fact that a black tail not unlike Filia's was snaking out from under the kimono and twisting lazily upon itself, while two large feathery black wings not unlike Valgarv's were constantly twitching behind her back to help her keep her balance.

Lina, whispering to Amelia: "More freakish writers...Why does the Queen have so many weird-looking friends I wonder..."

Amelia: "Well, this time it's not a Fox though..."

Lina: "And you are...?"

Amelia, holding her small fists to her mouth and looking vaguely repulsed: "...Miss Filia and Mister Valgarv's illegitimate daughter?"

Valgarv: "What?! No way! I'd never stoop to consort with a Gold Dragon!"

Weird creature: "My name's FeatherFall, I'm a copy of Ukyou, with wings and a tail gotten at discount at Wal-Mart."

Valgarv: "See? I told you it wasn't impressive to say that, Lina Inverse."

FeatherFall: "Hush, I can still recover!"

Lina: "Not looking like that, you can't."

FeatherFall: "Heh, how naive you are! 'Tis nothing but an avatar to make myself look better in a fic, ohohohoho! ...Wait, I shouldn't have said that. Poop."

Lina: "Moving on..."

Amelia: "Miss FeatherFall, that's a really strange name... were you born in the fall?"

FeatherFall: "Nope, it's because of this:"

FeatherFall quickly slid off the branch and spread her wings, gently floating to the ground.

FeatherFall, smiling: "There, see why? Now, if I had been like Amelia, jumping off the top of the tree, my name would have been FaceFall *wicked grin*"

Amelia, pouting: "That's mean, Miss FeatherFall..."

Lina: "Well, if you're this week's writer, why did you put Valgarv here? Didn't we have enough castaways?"

FeatherFall sidled up to Valgarv and took hold of his right arm, almost cuddling him.

FeatherFall: "Simply put, bish power. Don't you just love those long eyelashes, that shiny green hair, that splendid body and that manly horn?" Valgarv stuck his tongue out at Lina in a told-ya-so manner. "It never hurts to have more bishounen on an island anyway. Plus, as the old saying goes: 'People with the same sort of wings are just made to get along together'"

Lina: "Er, an old saying? Where is that from?"

FeatherFall: "The back of a napkin in a roadside snack-bar in Alabama."

Amelia: "Figures..."

FeatherFall merely giggled weakly...

What will become of our (relatively) unfortunate castaways? How will they survive the strain of yet another irresistible bishounen on their island? And who DID marry Xellos? You'll find out in Part II!

On to Part II!