The Duel
(Part 2)
by Daniel Snyder and FeatherFall

Meanwhile, on top of the island, things had gotten a bit delicate. Sungazer, clutching Fiona on top of his head with one hand and holding onto his vest with the other, was being dangled over the volcano. Filia had a firm grasp on his left ankle with two fingers, and how long she would hold onto him only she knew.

Filia: CONFESS!
Sungazer: All right, I kind of skirted copyright laws for my report on Iceland in fifth grade...
Filia: No, you fool! CONFESS ABOUT THE ISLAND!
Sungazer: You win. I've secretly had the urge to set the Queen up with the scientist from My Dear Marie in one of these guest fics, but I never quite got the gumption...
Filia: CONFESS ABOUT THE ISLAND FULL OF GUEST AUTHORS!
Sungazer: The what?
Filia: ISLE OF GUEST WRITERS!
Sungazer: So do I!

It took Filia a moment to realize the pun Sungazer had spent two rounds setting himself up for, but once she did she grabbed both of his legs and started yanking him up and down violently.

Sungazer: Augh! Whoop! Ack! Eeep! Yipe!
Filia: CONFEEEESSSSSS!
Sungazer: Fiona! Quickly!
Fiona: What is it?
Sungazer: What kind of magma is that down there?
Fiona: Basalt, of course.
Sungazer: Whew. I thought we were in trouble for a second.
Fiona: No worries. We'll be burned instantly in 1200 degree lava and become a funky rock when our ashes cool down.
Sheltie: *on the edge of the volcano* Warf!

That was when Filia realized that she was using the wrong technique. She took to the air, still holding Sungazer, and zipped around and about the island, threatening him with the most dastardly things the island had to threaten him with.

Filia: Falling!
Sungazer: Instant death.
Filia: Drowning!
Sungazer: Call in the sharks.
Filia: Jellyfish!
Sungazer: Call in the sunfish.
Filia: Slugs!
Sungazer: Really, now.
Filia: Constipation!
Sungazer: Amelia's cooking.
Filia: Fine. Diarrhea!
Sungazer: Ooh...
Fiona: Not to be too explicit, Sungazer, but there's lots of leafy
green trees around.
Filia: Crud. Uh...crossovers?
Sungazer: I write them.
Filia: Lawyers?
Sungazer and Fiona: You don't have the guts.

Filia landed and began stalking through the forest, holding her bemused captive up to her face.

Filia: I'll beat you to a bloody pulp and leave you to die!
Sungazer: The whole island would know in an instant.
Filia: I'll tear out your vocal cords and chew off your hands!
Sungazer: I can still type with my nose.
Filia: I'll beat up your mother!
Sungazer: She gave me socks for Christmas.
Filia: I'll beat up your father!
Sungazer: He tells me how to invest money I'm not earning.
Filia: I'll beat up your brother!
Sungazer: Make my millenium.
Filia: I'll...eheheheh.
Sungazer: Oh, no you don't.

Suddenly, the entire island was very, very quiet. In the castaway's village...

Martina: Why do I feel the need for a different kind of protection?

On the beach...

Gourrigan: Hm. Suddenly, there's a lot of thunderclouds, and there's weird flashing lights in the sky. This means that, um...
Amelia: No, Mr. Gourrigan, we did not end up on the Neimann Marcus mailing list again.
Gourrigan: ...so it means we should run away and hide, right?
Zelgadis: Clever boy.

And on the other side of the island...

FeatherFall: Sylphiel? I've been looking all over for you! I need to ask you--!
Sylphiel: There's no time for that now, Miss FeatherFall! I've been such a foolish girl. I should have known all along that there was something suspicious about Mr. Sungazer.
FeatherFall: Where is he? I have to find his weak spot!
Sylphiel: I think maybe you shouldn't.

Filia, tragically, pressed on.

Filia: I'll...
Sungazer: I really, really don't think you should do that.
Filia: If you don't tell me where the Isle of Guest Writers is...
Sungazer: No. No. No, Filia.
Filia: ...I'll just have to take...
Fiona: Eeep!

At that instant, caution to the wind, FeatherFall and Sylphiel were racing towards them.

FeatherFall: His hat is his weak spot?
Sylphiel: Yes! It all makes sense now. So obvious a weak spot, so powerful a fanfic writer, and he mastered the Uragirina Nakayubi in an instant.
FeatherFall: You don't mean?
Sylphiel: I do! His alter ego...

Bright white light poured out of the forest, blinding the two young women. When they could look again, they saw that a clearing had been blown open in the forest. At one end was Filia Ul Copt, terror stricken, in her dragon form. In the middle, Fiona the Hat was trembling with fear. And on the other side, where a moment ago Sungazer had been, was a five-and-a-half foot tall, butt-naked,

FeatherFall and Sylphiel: Ew.

tattooed imitation of a very familiar bastard.

Dark Snyder: NOBODY TOUCHES FIONA!
Fiona: No, Sungazer! Don't!
Filia: Heck. I'm in trouble!
FeatherFall: Sylphiel!
Sylphiel: Yes! His alter ego is the accursed wizard and heavy metal fan Dark Snyder!
QoS: Which explains why I'm suddenly wearing a butt-level toga and a thong...

Dark Snyder tossed aside the Sword of Rock and cackled as only a guy with too many hormones and not enough healthy creativity can.

Dark Snyder: You have dared to try and harm the article of apparel that means the most to me in this world! And now, I shall pay you back a thousandfold, TEN THOUSAND FOLD! Reberando Meinaado, I summon thee, o fusion of assorted oscillating air molecules!
FeatherFall: *screaming* Run, Filia!
Dark Snyder: KUINZU-RAIKKU!

Light poured down. Smoke blew about. Rocks levitated. Two golden bows of light, crossed by a spear, hurtled into Filia sending her smack up against the volcano.

It was a full thirty seconds before anyone could hear anything again; and the first sounds they heard came from Dark Snyder's laughter.

Dark Snyder: Ha ha ha, you pathetic Golden Dragon! You should know better than to cross me, before I...
Fiona: Dear God, can it!

She lept up on top of his head. In an instant, Sungazer had taken the place of Dark Snyder, and was wearing clothes about three sizes too big for his body.

Sungazer: Sorry, everyone. Don't know what came over me there, but it's all under control now. Don't panic. Go back to what you were doing.
Sylphiel: *sniffle* Underneath that creative, witty exterior there's a monster! A beast! And poor Filia had the misfortune to push him just a little far, and now...
FeatherFall. Don't worry. None of the major characters ever goes down easy. Give her 10 or 15 minutes and she'll be all right again.
Sylphiel: I know, I keep forgetting. It's just, well, you know.
Sungazer: Ah, FeatherFall! I see you've escaped your big sister's clutches for a moment. Are you ready to duel?

----

Feather gulped and took a step back, her mind racing. "Oh no!" she thought. "I haven't been able to get my Silence Glaive yet! And to think I found his weakness too! I need to buy time so I can tell Xellos so he can get me the stupid Glaive so I can finally start kicking some ass here..."

She glanced around quickly, looking for something to create a diversion.

Sungazer: Looking for an escape route, dear adversary? It's useless, for I shall hunt you down and force you to fight me, be it with a stick or rock-throwing if you must. However, I remind you that I have my trusty geologist's hammer with me, rocks aren't a threat for me.

Feather flinched at the suggestion that she might be fleeing a battle (ha!) and a most evil thought entered her mind. She reflected on the possible consequences and decided it was a small price to pay to get her revenge for all the times her schemes had backfired on her.

FeatherFall: I can't fight you yet, Sungazer, but I promise that very soon I shall come back with the means to defeat you and settle the score once and for all. However, for the moment, I will let you fight my most powerful ally!
Sungazer: Who would that be? Your cat again?
FeatherFall: Ha! You wish! Sailor Garv! Come to my rescue!! Fight for Justice and Mayhem!
Sungazer: Justice and Mayhem don't really go together...
FeatherFall: They do as far as Sailor Garv's concerned...Now's your cue, Sailor Garv!

Dramatic lightning flashed over her head, nearly frying her, and from out of nowhere a spotlight lit itself up, aimed at the top of a palm tree. On top of the palm tree was, you guessed it, a fat lard in a blue sailor suit.

Garv: Whenever a damsel in distress calls, I shall appear! As long as I may be at least 6 feet above ground, I will pose and make speeches and gross the guts out of every living being in a wide radius, for that is the task of the Sailor of Justice and Mayhem, SAILOR GARV!

Queen stormed out of her office and strode at high speed into the clearing.

QoS: Dammit Feather, I just can't believe you dared bring that thing out again!! Fighting on my island I can tolerate, but scaring away all the readers with dubious Sailor Moon humor is another thing! I am so gonna make powder out of you!
FeatherFall: Eek! Sorry! I was sort of running out of--

Kachi suddenly appeared right before the Queen, a deck of cards in her right hand.

Kachi: Fight you for Xellos, Queenie, poker or blackjack?
FeatherFall, awed: Wow, she's good...
Garv, determined to bring the focus back on himself: Feather, yoo-hoo, look what I've got here...

He help up a squirming Valgarv in his schoolboy uniform, holding him by the collar.

Valgarv: Garv-sama, put me down please, this is embarrassing!
Sungazer & FeatherFall: Valgarv-sama!
Valgarv: Oh, hullo you two.
FeatherFall: Garv-sama, help me please! I'm fighting for Valgarv, therefore for you!
Sungazer: I'm fighting for Valgarv too, you dope...
FeatherFall: Yeah, but I did all those Sailor Garv drawings and graphics and posted the fics and all that, doesn't that deserve a reward?
Queen looked up from her game of poker: Yeah, a dozen whacks on the head.

Then, remembering she was playing with a Mazoku she quickly flicked her eyes back to the cards.

Kachi: Five of a kind Queenie.
Queen: Dammit! Best two out of three!

Kachi smirked.

Garv, oblivious to the poker battle: Alright, Feather, since you're such a devoted fan, I shall fight for you! In exchange for a minimal fee of 7 black panties and a pair of bunny slippers, of course.

FeatherFall: They're yours, just buy me time!
Then she spread her wings and flew away towards the treehouse, hoping Xellos would still be there even in the absence of Kachi.

Garv smiled his broadest smile, leg hair flying in the wind, and struck another pose.

Garv: You got it! Sailor Chibi-Hellmaster!
Chibi-Hellmaster: Hai, Garv-sama!
Garv: Restrain this young man while I trim my nails.
Chibi-Hellmaster: Hai, Garv-sama!

And with this, he bounced down from the palm tree and flung himself bodily at Sungazer, trying to bring him down.
However, that was without counting the fact that Sungazer was twice as big, and so effortlessly kept him away with one hand on the forehead.

Chibi-Hellmaster: You're a tough one! You leave me no choice! Pink Sugar Laguna Blast!

Chibi-Hellmaster spun around and waved his pink plastic wand about, sending a stream of sugar at Sungazer.

Sungazer: .....Should I be in some sort of pain at the moment? Or should seeing you two in skirts have been enough trauma to bring me down?
Chibi-Hellmaster: *Gasp* That enemy is unbelievably strong! What do we do, Garv-sama?

Queen: Shit! Best three out of five!

Garv: Fear not!
Then, he glanced down at Valgarv, still squirming in his iron grip.
Garv: Now is your turn to help us, my loyal sidekick! *fling*
Valgarv: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Of course, Sungazer wasn't going to miss such an opportunity and grabbed the flying Val as he zipped by, making sure to avoid the horn.

Sungazer: There you are! Now I don't need to fight FeatherFall anymore!
Garv: Oh no! I can't let this end already! I am the Sailor of Justice and Mayhem, it won't be good for my reputation if things get settled so easily! I might even lose my job! I would have to forsake my sailor suit and all my poses and dramatic effects such as the moon shining on my body hair! I would never fulfill my dream of being as cool a superhero as Sailor Deep Sea! No! I can't let this happen! GARV FLARE!
Sungazer, Val & Chibi-Hellmaster: GAAAAAAAACK! *FWOOM!*

Sailor Garv did a brief V pose and jumped down the tree, skirt billowing around his massive body. Tossing his thick mane of hair over his shoulder, he strutted over to the three charred and twitching bodies, plucking Val's lithe form from the pile.

Val: Garv-sama, *cough* that was mean...
Chibi-Hellmaster: Owww....
Garv: Nevermind that, the important thing is that we fought as a team and we won! One more victory for justice and mayhem!

Queen: ARGH!! Best four out of seven!

Chibi-Hellmaster, teary-eyed: Ruby-eye-sama must be so proud of you now, Garv-sama!
Tuxedo Dynast, making a cameo for the hell of it: So am I, Sailor Garv!

Sailor Garv clasped hands, the light from the stars in his eyes glinting off his bushy eyebrows.

Garv: You really mean it? I'm so happy! I'll treat you all to ice cream!

*We interrupt this scene of previously unreached heights of grossness to go live to FeatherFall's treehouse*

FeatherFall: Xellos, are you here?
Xellos, suddenly appearing: Looking for me? *grin*
FeatherFall: I have Sungazer's weakness! Now give me my Glaive!

Xellos twirled his staff and the delicate scythe-like spear materialized in front of him.

Xellos: His weakness?
FeatherFall: His hat. Gimme!

Xellos changed from happy-silly grin to creepy-evil-mazoku grin and let the Glaive float towards Feather who clutched at it eagerly, hugging it in delight with happy tears streaming down her cheeks.

FeatherFall: At last! The most perfect weapon is finally mine! At last I will be able to show Sungazer all the extent of my training!

*meanwhile...*

Queen: Best five out of nine!

----

Lina Inverse, while not regarded as "genki", was generally an upbeat person. That evening, well, night, really, on Gourrigan's Island, she was not happy. Earlier in the day, two guest writers had stopped by the island intent on thrashing each other to pieces for a guy she wouldn't have given more than a 7 or an 8 to, even if he wasn't intent on bringing chaos and destruction to the plane of reality she lived on. Then, one of them had compared her to a baboon, and Gourrigan had been his predictable buttheaded self and followed up on it. As a result, volcanoes were erupting, trees were falling and miscellaneous cast members were doing silly things for reasons Lina was too irate to bother comprehending.

So she had called it a night early and retired the girls' hut. But even there, she found no rest. Explosions, screams and sounds of chaos and destruction came in unmuffled from outside. Lina tossed and turned in her hammock.

Lina: Grrr...stupid good-for-nothin' mergin fergin duel MY EYE. I wish those two writers could settle their differences and just be done with it already...
Filia: Ms. Lina? Are you still awake?

Lina rolled over and leveled dagger eyes at the Golden Dragon. Filia had a wide-eyed expression of fear on her face, and was glancing nervously over her neck behind her.

Lina: Yeah, come on in, make yourself at home. This is our hut and all.
Filia: Thank you.

She squeezed her entire dragon form into the hut, taking up all the floor space, ending up with her head resting gently on Lina's chest and the tip of her tail drumming against Lina's shins.

Filia: I'm just a little scared, that's all. You sure you don't mind?
Lina: No, go ahead. *groan* What's going on out there, anyway?
Filia: It's terrible, Ms. Lina! Sungazer just turned into his evil alter ego, and FeatherFall's big sister is helping her against him, and Xellos is getting her Mazoku weapons...Xellos told me the most terrible thing!
Lina: Er, that we lost all the Funky Fruit?
Filia: No, worse than that!
Lina: There's lawyers on the island?
Filia: Even worse than that!
Lina: The Queen is pregnant with his baby?
Filia: Not quite that bad.
Lina: Let me see, then...did he tell you that the Isle of Guest Writers is real?
Filia: Yes! He did!
Lina: I see...but the Funky Fruit's OK, right?
Filia: What good is the Funky Fruit to us when guest writers can make it disappear at their whim? Or make it turn into dragon-eating plants? Or magic-user-eating plants, in your case?
Lina: Hm, you may be right, Filia. This is a dangerous situation, and we must work with all our might to be sure that our lives our safe! So, I'll get to it first thing in the morning.
Filia: I don't think you're quite appreciating the severity of the situation, Ms. Lina.
Lina: *yawn* Whatever. Good night, Filia.
Filia: Good night.

In just a few minutes, Filia and Lina were sleeping peacefully, and didn't hear the

Dark Snyder: SEPURU-TURA!

when it sent Xellos flying through the girl's hut, creating two Xellos-shaped windows across from each other.

Xellos: *lying supine on the beach* Aha-hahaha. Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have tried the direct approach to finding out where the Isle of Guest Writers is.
Sungazer: *off in the forest* Sorry about that, Xellos! Lost myself for a moment there.

As was to be expected, Sungazer was hurridly changing clothes as FeatherFall stood with her back turned.

FeatherFall: Really! Just because men aren't expected to shave their legs doesn't mean you shouldn't, Sungazer. I can guarantee you, you'll be a lot happier swimming, for starters...
Sungazer: Feather, just because we're in combat doesn't mean you have to belittle my lifestyle. I'm happy with who I am, and I'm happy with hairly legs. Even if it is reminiscent of Sailor Garv. Now. ROCK, COME FORTH!

The Sword of Rock's blade rumbled from the rock hammer's head.

FeatherFall: Ah, but now I too am armed, Sungazer! SILENCE GLAIVE!

With a flash of magical light the Glaive appeared in her hands. Sungazer took in a sharp breath appreciatively.

Sungazer: So, FeatherFall...I see your schwartz is as big as mine.
FeatherFall: Good line! I wish I'd thought of it.
Sungazer: I'm warning you, though, I'm not going to hold back! ARITOMO YAMAGATA!
FeatherFall: So Kenshin is the game you're playing, eh? AOSHI SHINOMORI!

The two warriors flew through the air, posing as if for a painting that would last forever; frozen at their apex, their blades slashing, the primal force each had summoned by invoking a minor Rurouni Kenshin character's name was released; and then they fell to Earth. They stood, each knowing what the other's damage had been, and of their own injuries and future. The world held its breath.

Sungazer was the first to speak.

Sungazer: My fly was open, wasn't it?
FeatherFall: Yep. Hee hee hee...ha ha ha ha! Haw haw haw! Hee hee ha ha *snort* haw haw haw haw ha ha! Ah! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha hah ha ha!
Sungazer: I knew button-flies were a mistake to bring to the island, but this pair was all I had clean. Sheltie! Another pair of pants!
Sheltie: Warf! Warf!
Sungazer: What's that you say, girl? All my other pairs of pants still need to be washed?
Sheltie: Warf! Warf!
Fiona: Sungazer, then I don't think there's any other choice...
Sungazer: Damn. I'd hoped not to have to use this. But to cover my tightie-whities I must use my ultimate defense.
FeatherFall: Hee hee hee...what? An Erekuto-kokku? What have you got there?

From out of the back of his geologist's vest, Sungazer pulled out a big yellow something. FeatherFall couldn't recognize it, even as he separated it into its two halves. But in a moment, it was unpacked and on his body...and a strange smell blew downwind.

FeatherFall: It's--L-sama, it's utterly tasteless!
Sungazer: Tasteless it may be, my eternal rival; but it is effective. Bugs cannot bite through it! Plant poisons cannot seep through it! Sharp brush and rolls down the side of mountains cannot tear it! And nothing, nothing can ever get rid of the smell! I present to you...MY CHEAP PVC PLASTIC MAPPING JACKET AND PANTS!
QoS: Silly.
Garv: Yellow.
HellMaster: Different.
Sylphiel: *groan* 'Gazer...
FeatherFall: Oh, no! All this time I've been so focused on improving my offense, I completely forgot about my defense! Oneesama, what can I do?

At the mention of her name, an image of Kachi appeared in midair in front of FeatherFall.

Kachi: That's an easy one, Feather-chan! Why don't you run away? He'll have to follow you, because he wants to fight you as much as win Valgarv. Then he'll get all hot and sweaty under his PVC, and when he takes it off he'll be just as vulnerable as before.
FeatherFall: Good idea, oneesama!
Sungazer: But you won't get away that easily, FeatherFall! RAIJUUTA ISURUGI!
FeatherFall: Eeep!

The force of the blow nearly knocked her off of her feet, but FeatherFall was not seriously wounded. She made a mad dash into the forest as Sungazer pursued her.

Sungazer: You're still vulnerable to my close attacks! BESHIMI! HYOTTOKO!
Sylphiel: Don't hurt any trees, shrubs, grasses, forbs, rushes or sedges, Sungazer! And you can only cut through brambles after they've cut you.
Sungazer: I know!
Fiona: He hasn't lost his head!
Sheltie: Warf!

And so another night on Gourrigan's Island drew to a close, with Valgarv feeling simultaneously relieved and deeply frustrated.

----

After a long night of exhausting pursuit, FeatherFall and Sungazer were catching their breath on a large rocky outcropping. In the east, a faint glow indicated the sun was about to rise. Sungazer was leaning on a palm tree and contemplating the Sword of Rock, considering getting a styrofoam bat instead. FeatherFall was just sprawled on the cold rocky surface, arms limply hanging over the edge, the Glaive in danger of clattering to the ground some 3 feet below (I never said it was a severe danger, did I?). She was about ready to consider finding herself another bishounen to obsess about. Somewhere north of them, explosions and roars and shrieks indicated Queen and Kachi were still pokering to death over Xellos. Near the castaway village, booming laughter, Naga laughter and squeals of fear showed Sailor Garv had made his way over there. FeatherFall sighed and told herself grimly that she didn't really have the choice....but then, she wasn't the one who currently had to deal with Sailor Meatball, so she could make up excuses as much as she wanted.

Sungazer, between two panting breaths: Why don't we follow your sister's example and fight for Valgarv over a poker match too?
FeatherFall: Cause I suck at poker.
Sungazer: All the more reason to do it.

Feather chucked him a rock, but so tired was Sungazer that he barely even noticed the dent it made in his skull.

Meanwhile, at the castaways village, Lina had followed on her promise to Filia and was ready to question Xellos very thoroughly about this Isle of Guest Writers. The said Trickster Priest was kneeling on the ground, hands behind his back. He wasn't bound though, that wasn't necessary: Amelia was standing next to him, a rousing song about love and justice on her lips. Any suspicious move and she'd belt it out mercilessly. Filia was also standing next to Xellos, but unlike Amelia, she'd use a more material (not to mention metallic) form of punishment should the suspect try to flee. Gourrigan, Zel and Rezo were sitting at the picnic tables, eyeing (or trying to, in Rezo's case) the Mazoku with deep concern. Valgarv and Phibrizo were plopped down on the sand next to them, looking bored. THEY didn't have to deal with guest writers every week....Garv and Naga were nowhere in sight: he'd apparently led her off in the jungle to practice spectacular entrances and laughing techniques with her. And, judging from the alternately booming and shrill sounds coming from the forest, they were really doing just that. Martina and Zangulus were present too at this impromptu interrogation, Martina with a look of eager anticipation on her face, Zangulus looking grim. He knew why Martina looked so buoyant; as soon as Xellos would cough out all he knew about the isle, she'd swim there if she had to and make special requests for bishounen... As for Sylphiel, she was standing in the shadows of the hut, feeling sorry about all this mess and wondering if Sungazer was faring well in his duel. She hoped he wouldn't forget to eat a good wholesome breakfast just because he was fighting, after all, breakfast was the most important meal of the day.
Lina took a few steps in Xellos' direction, so that her flowing cape would look its best. Never underestimate the power of appearances.

Lina: So, Xellos, Filia tells me you believe the Isle of Guest Writers is real?
Xellos: I have reasons to believe it is, yes, but--
Lina: Silence! Where is it?
Xellos: I've been trying to ask Sungazer about it, but--
Lina: Silence I said! You're only making excuses! Tell us everything you know about it!
Xellos: But...
Filia: That's it, Xellos, you've used up all your three but's, answer now!
Xellos: Damn! Ok then, I'll tell you what I know: nothing at all.
Lina: Liar!
Amelia: Mazoku!
Xellos, sweatdropping: That's a compliment for me, Amelia. And I can't lie, that's why I always say it's a secret! And if you'll notice, I haven't used it yet in this interrogation.
Lina: Don't you dare to either or I'll personally make you pay!
Xellos: I didn't know you enjoyed those things so much, Lina...
Lina: Amelia, hug him!
Xellos: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

While Xellos was being tortured for the sake of mankind (the part of it on Gourrigan's Island anyway), in the heart of the jungle, Kachi and Queen were still locked in a fierce battle for ownership of what would be left of him after Amelia's deadly bear hug (which would have brought tears of pride to Prince Phil's eyes). So far, Queen had lost every single match of the 32 they had played. From time to time, she'd wreck some more vegetation to relieve the pressure, nevermind that she'd have to get them replaced later. If she won, she'd make Kachi replace every single blade of grass manually, making her listen to the Gourrigan's Island Men Musical Ensemble sing all of Amelia's greatest hits. However, the said Mazoku hadn't the slightest intention of losing. She grinned mischievously at Queen; time for the final blow.

Kachi: Last match, Queenie. If you win, I'll agree to keep up the battle. If I win, I get Xellos. I'm getting bored here, I wanna see what's happening to Xellos and to my pathetic sister.

Queen glared death wishes at the smug Mazoku. If she lost this battle too, she'd mop the island with her ass. There were still many weapons in her arsenal that hadn't gotten sold off to pay for the island's debts. She started chuckling at the same time Kachi started chuckling. Soon, both of them were laughing loudly. Queen cut it short by slamming her cards on the soil.
Queen: Royal flush! Read 'em and weep!
Kachi: Five of a kind. Heh.
Queen: ....I have one ace in my hand, what the hell do you think you're doing with four aces in yours?

On the outcropping...

FeatherFall: I'm hungry, let's go back to the treehouses, I'll let you look at my Box of Bishies.
Sungazer: What about our duel?
FeatherFall: It'll wait. I can hear your stomach groaning from over here. Come on, let's get some food then see what's happening at the village.
Sungazer: Alright, alright...I wanna see Valgarv to replenish my fighting spirit.
FeatherFall: Yeah, yeah, but just take off the PVC, you'll sour the milk.

So the two battling authors went to grab a bunch of croissants from the treehouse used as kitchen and, after snatching a few bish pics for the trip, made their way to the village.

Sungazer: Nice little house.
FeatherFall: Why, thank you.
Sungazer: Beautiful bodaceous bishounen too.
FeatherFall: Yup.
Sungazer: Next time I'll fight you for Gackt, Feather.
FeatherFall: *Groan*

Sylph was the one who saw them emerge from the shade of the trees first. Glancing fearfully at Lina and the others, she quietly left her vantage point and hurriedly ran up to them.

Sylph: Miss FeatherFall, Mr Sungazer, stop, you'll be in danger if the others see you! They're already torturing Xellos to get him to reveal the location of the Isle of Guest Writers.
Sungazer: It's useless, he doesn't know.
Sylph: I know, but I was too afraid to stop them...Plus...Watching some good old-fashioned torture just feels so damn great when you've just gotten up.
FeatherFall: Eh?
Sungazer: Ah?
Sylph: *Gasp* Oh my, I'm sorry, I must have read from the wrong script!

That or oneesama decided to have some fun, thought FeatherFall.

FeatherFall: We just came to check on Val anyway, but now that you mention it, maybe we should be elsewhere? That early in the morning Dark Snyder is the last thing I want to see.

Sungazer nodded emphatically. He had no more clean clothes to replace those.
However, before they could run for cover, a tremendous explosion rocked the island. In a blaze of lightning and mini-volcanoes, Queen appeared in the middle of the village, holding Kachi by the scruff of her neck.
FeatherFall: Eep.
Sungazer: We're dead.
Sylph: Oh my, poor Miss Kachi...
"No, moron!" Feather snapped. "If Queen was just angry at Kachi, she wouldn't come all the way to the village, she'd just swiftly punish her then and there. If she came here and looks that pissed, we're all gonna bite the dust! Except Xellos of course....Author's pet..."
Sungazer snorted but kept silent.

Queen: That's it! I have had enough of this! Fighting on my island I can tolerate, Sailor Garv giving severe ulcers to all of my cast, I can deal with, but a Mazoku cheating me out of my Xellos? You will pay! Right now is where all of you Guest Writers will be tried for your crimes!

----

Despite her many talents, the Queen of Swords had never thought that "manifesting DragonBallZ phenomena" would be one of them. After all, pretty much anyone can summon Qi or invoke the power of dragons to grant wishes.

Filia: I certainly can.

But times had changed. A Mazoku had threatened to take her man away from her. Guest writers had run rampant. The island was going to pieces. Enough, she knew, was enough. And so as she led the castaways down to the beach, she had a variable-color battle aura around her, her hair was sticking straight up like it was made of plastic, muscles were spontaneously coming into being all along her body, and rocks were ripping themselves right out of the ground to levitate about her. The castaways, and the two culpable fanfic writers, were deathly quiet.

All: ...

As they set foot onto the beach, Sungazer's fear got the better of him. He poked Feather.

Sungazer: She's really going to do it.
FeatherFall: We're dead.
Sungazer: Somos muertos.
FeatherFall: Nous sommes morts.
Sungazer: Wareware wa shinin desu ne.
FeatherFall: E-way ill-way ie-day.
Sheltie: Warf!

The cast and guest writers drew up to a halt at the shore, while the Queen fearless waded onto the ocean. That's how pissed she was. About fifty feet offshore she stopped and faced the cast.

QoS: You want to know where the Isle of Guest Writers is?
The Cast: Yes!
Lina: I'm gonna get back at those punks!
Amelia: Justice must be served!
Rezo: If I get any more bored I'm going to go crazy.
QoS: Well, then...

With a closed fist, she thumped on what appeared to be thin air; but as space seemed to bend, that "thin air" proved to be nothing more than a backdrop! The cast goggled at the sight of a second island, as big and lush as the first, with what looked like a Club Med-type resort on the beach. On the beach, in the water, hanging out of the windows, and on the roof were a motley crowd of Gourrigan's Island Guest Writers.

The Cast: Wha...?
QoS: This is the truth. The Isle of Guest Writers has been a stone's throw away from you all the time! Here is where they've been: surrounded by cable television, and unlimited e-mail, and all the chicken wings they can eat...
Fiona: Oh, no! The Queen's trying to piss off the cast even more!
Sungazer: You want to tell her to calm down?
Fiona: Um, now, let's not be hasty...

Standing on the beach, the episode's guest writers could only watch helplessly as the guest writers were apprehended without remorse.

Gourrigan: Let me at 'em! All those self-righteous punks, making me out to be completely stupid...
Zelgadis: Gourrigan, you ARE completely stupid.
Gourrigan: Hey! You're one to talk. They all make you shack up with Amelia and make fun of your hair!
Zelgadis: ...I think it's time for the big PAYBACK!
Filia: Wait! Spare my husband!
Lina: SPARE? SPARE?
Filia: Well, just don't hurt him more than you have to.
Rezo: I got one! I got one! Who'd I get?
Xellos: Ah, it looks like you've got Nathan there.
Harrison Barber: PUT ME DOWN, YOU SUBSERVIENT RED FREAK!
Xellos: Oops! *giggle* My mistake.
Harrison: What are you going to do with me?
Xellos: You'll see...
Rezo: Shut up.
Xellos: I mean...it's a secret!
Rezo: Boy, what I wouldn't give right now to have another dark lord pop out of my eyeballs.

Chaos reigned on the Isle of Guest Writers. In a matter of a few hours, all of the guest writers had been rounded up, forced to put on more sensible clothes, and herded into the cone of the volcano where the Queen had set up her court. Now, volcanoes are rather hot places; but the Queen is a very angry and a very creative woman. One concrete bunker later, the cone of the volcano looks very much like the Klingon court from Star Trek 6.

To add to the effect, the Queen beamed down a few dozen Klingons, a few members of the original Star Trek cast, and just to make things interesting, a few Predators and Aliens.

Gourrigan: Puh-RO-grams! Getcher puh-RO-grams here! Score cards! Can't tell who's scoring without a score card! Pencils, get 'em here! Hot dawgs! Cold beer!
Alien: Fthliggl grmkrgldrenk shurlorxkugnuk.
Gourrigan: Two brewskies, comin' up. Pass 'em along, folks, pass 'em along!

Amelia was sitting in the judicial dais, dressed in a black outfit Naga helped her pick out. It looked cute, and yet, imposing. The kind of thing your mother would wear to a beheading. Not an easy feat to achieve. Beside her was Xellos Metallium, prosecuting attorney, dressed exactly like Amelia. The Queen of Swords was standing down by the defense table, with a sword pressed up against the neck of each and every fan writer's neck. That's one long sword. But the Queen is good like that. Ya dig it, man?

Amelia: Order in the court! Order in the court!
Xellos: I'd like a hot dog. *giggle*

He was hit in the face by a hot dog.

Gourrigan: Two bucks, pass 'em along!
Amelia: Grr...I would like everyone in the court today to start behaving. Now, then. Mr. Metallium, please read the charges.
Xellos: Ahem. "Queen vs. Those Clever People. The Queen of Swords does charge that on diverse dates the Gourrigan's Island Guest Writers did write crappy fanfic:

1. Using improper grammar, punctuation and language.
2. Breaking character for other than humorous effect.
3. Self-deification, to wit, self-gratification to absurd ends.
4. Not getting what it was all about.

"The Queen does submit evidence in the form of three Web Pages, viz: her own stories, that of other writers', and Oni Skyrunner's pages.
Further, she does declare that in her first story, she says, 'They were a bunch of people, who packed damn near everything they owned for a "three hour tour", had this guy along who could make frickin' spaceships outta coconuts and they never got it on with each other, even though they were human beings stranded together for years on this stupid island! Holy frickin' cow, people!' It is held by this court that all the guest writers should have known this from the beginning, so we can skip over the silly defense bit."

Amelia: Are you quite sure that that's legal, Mr. Xellos?
Xellos: I'm certain it's just, Your Honor. The first defendent...

With a minute twitch of her wrist, the Queen stuck the blade of her sword a little more firmly against Silver Fox's throat.

Silver Fox: Damn! The Queen of Swords is a mean mother...
Zangulus: Shut your mouth, girl!
Silver Fox: Just talkin' about the Queen.
Fiona: Can you dig it?
Amelia: Silver Fox! As the first ever Gourrigan's Island Guest Writer...we can't hold you to blame for what followed. So, get out of here.

There was a moment of incredulous silence. The Queen moved her sword to the side, out from Silver's chin.

Silver Fox: I want to be with my friends!
Kirk and Spock: ...
Amelia: But, if you stay, you risk of being forced into terrible tortures and indefinite imprisonment!
Silver Fox: ...like I was saying, I want to be with my friends. Can I join them? They're far, far away from here, right now. In fact, I'd better go catch my train to meet them. Goodbye!

And so, Silver Fox made a quick exit.

Xellos: Now batting for the home team, Daniel Snyder, AKA Sungazer.
Amelia: Well, let's see. Dan does have a good grasp of grammar, shows definite feeling for the characters, and even put himself in a revenge fic. You can go.
Fionavar: Ahem.
Amelia: After you explain to us why you put Fionavar in a form-fitting wetsuit.

Sungazer heaved a sigh.

Sungazer: We all had to be in beach clothes, and...I thought elf maidens swam in the nude. I couldn't do THAT to her, could I?

EVERYONE in the courtroom looked suspiciously at Fionavar.

Fionavar: I...I stand by my Fifth Amendment rights.

Xellos: All right. Go, and be gone with you.
Sungazer: I...I want to be with my Valgarv!
QoS: Take it up with him, then.
Xellos: Which brings us to FeatherFall, AKA Cl--
FeatherFall: SSSH!
Amelia: FeatherFall. In your fanfic, you...you got Mr. Xellos drunk! And while he was drunk, you had him marry Mr. Zelgadis, of all people! Ha ha ha! That shows you the dangers of overindulgence, Mr. Zelgadis. I hope you learned a lesson from that experience, and you've become a better person in hindsight.
Zelgadis: Quite.
FeatherFall: Can I go? I think Sungazer has a head start on me, and I'm not prepared to lose Valgarv without a final fight.

The Queen grabbed FeatherFall by the ear.

QoS: Now, listen to me. I want this fight resolved by the time I get done with these prosecutions, and the WHOLE STINKING ISLAND cleaned up, or else...
FeatherFall: Kaluha and coffee, Your Highness?
QoS: Or...
FeatherFall: In a Xellos Metallium mug! When you drink it all up, you'll see there's a special message at the bottom.
QoS: ...gimme. We'll sort out the details later.

FeatherFall dashed out of the courtroom. Behind her, the trials continued.

Xellos: Now on the stand, we have Tecno.
Amelia: Ah-ha! This is the Tecno who omits any punctuation from his dialogue, correct?
Filia: The same one who neglects to announce scene changes.
Rezo: The same one who writes paragraphs full of sentence fragments.
Sylphiel: The same one who had Princess Amelia dive into a strip poker game, and Mr. Zelgadis using blue language, without pulling a joke out of either situation.
Kirk: It's...the same...Tecno...Mister Spock.
Spock: So it would appear, Captain.

The Queen pressed the blade just far enough to draw a little of Tecno's blood onto the edge of her sword.

Xellos: I believe we have sufficient material to find him guilty on charges 1 and 2, Your Honor.
Amelia: Very well. And your punishment shall be...

A dramatic light shone down on a 6-year-old girl, a paunchy man and a piece of sewer pipe about 5 meters long and two meters high.

Naga: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Allow me to introduce your punishment to you.
Cindi Williamson lives with her parents, can make sugar cookies all by herself and dreams of someday becoming a beautician. Mitch Tucker lost his job as a programmer a year and a half ago and has spent most of that time in his mother's basement. They are both raving Sailor Moon fans...
The entire courtroom: FOR VERY, VERY DIFFERENT REASONS.

Amelia rapped her gavel on the podium to restore order.

Amelia: You are condemned to spend the next six months of your life in between them, knee-deep in cold sewage.

Crying, Tecno was taken from the courtroom by Sailor Garv and Chibi-Hellmaster.

----

Queen suddenly spoke up.

Queen: Hold on, I would like to try Kachi now, while I am still pissed and bloodthirsty. I'd hate for her to get tried at the very end when I might feel merciful after so many condemned, and let her go unscathed.

Kachi gulped very audibly and took a step forward.

Amelia: The charges against you are making passes at Xellos, cheating at poker and eventually winning him away from the Queen through said cheating.

Kachi thought at this very moment that ignorance was indeed bliss, especially Queen's ignorance of what had happened at the treehouse the other day.

Amelia: Kachi, what do you plead?
Kachi: Insanity, mostly.

Couldn't hurt to try that one.

Amelia: Oh please, if we allowed you to plead insanity every guest writer would be free to go.
Kachi: Alright, you force me to use plan B.
Amelia: What might that be?

Kachi closed her eyes and stayed silent for a moment. Then, suddenly.

Kachi: IT'S ALL FEATHER'S FAULT!!

The audience gasped dramatically.

Kachi: She's the one who wrote me doing all those things, with no help from me at all! Think about it, only HER name is ever on the fanfics, therefore, she bears sole responsibility for what happens in them.
Amelia: Hmm, that's a problem...we tried her already and she was acquitted...

Kachi grinned in an infuriatingly smug way.

"Damn, she really IS good," thought Lina with some uneasiness. "She might even best Xellos at his own game..."
Amelia: Prosecuting attorney, what is your opinion on this?
Xellos: My opinion is to keep my big mouth shut to avoid being in any more trouble, and that we should all offer the Queen a nice trip to the location of her dreams if we want to live to see the next fanfic.
Everyone: Agreed.

----

Amelia: And now, today's star guest, Michael the Red Priest.
Xellos: Michael the Red Priest, henceforth known as "Merp". It is hereby charged that you did:

1. Did deify yourself, even to the point that you killed yourself and rose from the grave.
2. Did break all kinds of character, most especially that of Filia Ul Copt, who you did entice into a marital relationship without establishing the kind of long-term, nurturing, commitment-laden and hijinx-laced backstory necessary to be in character.
3. Thus, evidently, did NOT get it.

Everyone: SHAME, SHAME, MERP! SHAME ON YOU!
MtRP: Filia? Honey? What are they talking about?
Filia: Michael...I love you, deeply...but, I've begun to think about all the little times you haven't been there for me, about how you seem to have expectations about a relationship I don't believe in. I need my space. I need to think things out. I'm still your friend, but this just can't go on.
Dick Clark: Ms. Copt?

Filia turned to see Dick Clark standing earnestly behind her.

Dick Clark: Filia, I'm Dick Clark. I just wanted to say that that was so heartbreaking...
Filia: Thank you.
Dick Clark: ...that we've had a ruptured aorta in the back of the courtroom, so could you please get back to the silliness?
Filia: I'll try.
Dick Clark: Thank you.

Naga and Martina, dressed in nurse's outfits, tromped past holding an Alien on a stretcher.

Dick Clark: Much better.
Amelia: *banging gavel* Merp, to be quite honest, there is only one punishment severe enough for what you have done today. Your marriage will be anulled, until such time as you've written enough sensitive love poetry for your ex-wife that she accepts your marriage proposal. Until then, you will be responsible for the love and care of a less appealing member of the universe.
MtRP: Er...who?
Jar-Jar Binks: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!

Jar-Jar ran a tongue up Michael the Red Priest's cheek. Dazed, Michael stared blankly as Martina handed him a massive clear bottle.

Martina: Conjugal associations are your own ball of wax, but his entire body needs to be rubbed down with this baby oil daily.
Jar-Jar: Yah! Meesa get peely-peely in stifle sun
Filia: Write me bunches, Michael! And take plenty of snaps!
Predator: Harglemak blorgoonie flebnit.
Gourrigan: She MUST be!
Amelia: Back to the action, everyone! Now, Fionavar and Tyra, I couldn't think of any worse punishment for the two of you than to keep living together. Mr. Xellos suggested that the two of you live together in a very cold apartment with noisy neighbors, and Fionavar has nothing but chocolate chip cookies and Tyra has nothing but milk. That sounds much better. Moving along, The Inane Writer should not be punished at all because people should know better...

----

Meanwhile, in the jungle...

FeatherFall: ...And that's what the Queen said, word for word.
Sungazer: I see. Troubling.
FeatherFall: Very.
Sungazer: Good impersonation too.
Feather put away the little Queen and FeatherFall hand puppets she had used to report the Queen's threat to Sungazer.
FeatherFall: Thanks, now what?
Sungazer: We have to think of a way to finish this fight in less than an hour.
FeatherFall: How about Rock-paper-scissors?
Sungazer: Splendid idea. Rock, paper, scissors!
Feather put out a rock. Sungazer chose the paper.
Sungazer: I believe I win. Toodle-oo.
FeatherFall: Tut-tut, How can you say that? How could mere paper win against a rock? The rock would in all logic tear the paper.

Sungazer remained silent for a moment, trying to think of a way out of this bizarre loophole. Why had no one ever thought of such a cheat before?

Sungazer: Still, we have to follow the rules of the game! The rules specify that paper enfolds the stone, and therefore I win. You can't just talk your way out!
Feather grinned: My oneesama's a Mazoku. She taught me all I know...

Back to the courtroom...

Many acquittals later, Nathan was up before the judge.

Amelia: The charges against you are showing no sign of a coherent plot and...making me, a minor, pregnant.

She said the last with daggers in her eyes and every word seemingly meant to weigh a ton on Nathan's shoulders.

Nathan: Hey, creative liberties, freedom of speech and all that. You can't do this to me, I'm an artist!
Amelia: Whatever, one year in a pit crawling with fat, sweaty fanboys, watching Card Captor Sakura, Tenshi ni naru mon, DiGi Charat and other horrendously cute anime every night.

Hearing his sentence seemed to bring sanity back to Nathan's mind (momentarily).
Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He screamed as he was dragged away from the court by a skipping, entirely-too-happy-for-everyone-else's-good Sailor Garv. Something told Lina that Garv might join in on the watching and it didn't make her feel any better.

----

Sungazer: "Try and talk your way out", I said. I was speaking figuratively. I didn't think she'd do it.
FeatherFall: Please pay attention! Now, if we're looking at a sedimentary rock, all the little grains on it will rub against the piece of paper and tear it. But...

Sungazer tapped his foot nervously. They were running out of time. Who knew how much longer the Queen would be tied up dishing out justice? Valgarv was growing impatient also.

Valgarv: One or the other of you, come on. I'm getting all wound up here!
FeatherFall: ...if you assume that the strength of each crystal is equal...
Sungazer: Gad! We still have to clean the island up! There's no time for this anymore. Fiona, I'm in trouble.
Fiona: In trouble, eh? Wait--trouble! That gives me an idea!
FeatherFall: An idea? What kind of idea, Fiona?
Fiona: The World Works Welfare Adminstration owes me a couple of favors for some help I gave them a while back. I can call in some of their Trouble Consultants and we'll sort this thing out as fast as can be! Sungazer, hand me my cel phone.

Sungazer reached into another pocket in his vest and drew out the telephone. Fiona pressed Speed Dial #4.

Fiona: Hello? W3A? Hi, it's Fiona! Hi there, girlfriend! How are you? How's the kids? How's the dog? Great, well, actually, I'm in something of a pinch just now. Two fan fiction authors are dueling for a bishounen on a desert isle, can you send out a couple of Trouble Consultants to help them sort things out? Oh, peachy. Wonderful. Do, please. Thanks!
Valgarv: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Fiona: There's nothing to worry about, these girls are professionals. Look! Here they are already!

In the airspace over the island, a large spacecraft named the "Lovely Angel" had materialized and was gently floating, silent and serene.

Sungazer and FeatherFall: Oo.

From underneath came a pair of young women in armor-plated bikinis, bearing large large guns and something that looked like a telephone booth.

Yuri: Prepare for trouble!
Kei: Wrong schtick.
Yuri: Oops. What's our opening schtick?
Kei: We don't have one.
Yuri: That's not very dramatic, is it?
Kei: Well, fine then. Ad-lib.
Yuri: Right. *ahem* Bow down before me, mere mortals! For I am Yuri, Trouble Consultant for the W3A!
Kei: And I am Kei, her partner Trouble Consultant! Together we are...
Yuri and Kei: THE LOVELY ANGELS!
Valgarv: Don't you mean the Dirty Pmmph.
Fiona: Now, now, don't listen to Horn Boy.
Kei: Is that the bishounen fellow you two have been slinging it out over?
Yuri: Hey, he looks pretty nice...
Kei: I can hear your hormones kicking in from over here, dear.
Yuri: Shush. Well, I'm pleased to say we have your answer right here.

Yuri swung the phone booth thingy off of her back and plopped it down onto the ground. It had a big sign on it that said "Bishounen-o-Matic", and a few controls were on the extreme left edge. Kei began pushing buttons as Yuri explained.

Yuri: This is new state-of-the-art W3A technology, folks. With it, we can replicate almost any bishounen on the planet. There are a few glitches, though, like last week we ran off a Duo Maxwell with no ego.
Sungazer: Gadzooks!
Yuri: Still trying to figure that one out. He was also only four feet tall and a drab green, but that was probably a side effect of having no ego.
FeatherFall: So you're going to make me my own Valgarv, right? But will he work?
Kei: Heh. Don't worry. We can run off four or five tries if we have to.
FeatherFall: *snicker*

Kei gestured for Valgarv to join her. After taking hair, blood and belly button lint samples, Kei revved up the machine and fed the samples into the side. There was a tremendous howling noise. Yellow light filled the interior of the machine. And then the light collapsed upon itself to form an exact duplicate of Valgarv!

Well, almost exact.

Val-2: 'ere now, wot's all this...I feel all wibbley in me middles...
Kei: Hm. He appears to be speaking with a south London accent, and his hair looks like Himura Kenshin's. Good enough?
FeatherFall: Yum!
Kei and Yuri: Mission accomplished.
Sungazer: VAL-CHAN!

They joined in an Eskimo kiss as Feather curled up beside her own Valgarv. Kei and Yuri shook hands proudly. Fiona wiped away a tear. The whole moment would have been perfect if it hadn't been for the barking of the sheltie.

Sheltie: Warf! Warf!
Yuri: What's gotten your dog?
Sheltie: Warf! Warf!
Sungazer: Ah, oh, she wants to know where the power source for your Bish-o-Mat is.
Kei: That's easy. We just draw from the nearest geothermal energy source...

...which was as far as she got before the ground under their feet let off an ominous rumble.

Ground under their feet: An ominous rumble.
Fiona: Uh-oh!
FeatherFall: Oh, no! There's going to be another volcanic eruption...and the Queen and everyone are still at the top of the volcano!
Valgarv: Oh, Sungazer...you're a geologist, aren't you? Whatever shall we do?

His thought process helped along by his hormones, Sungazer looked up at the Lovely Angel, to the volcano, over to the Guest Writer's Island, and got an idea.

Sungazer: Right! You two, bring the ship up to the side of the volcano. Feather, find as many saws as you can. Valgarv and Valgarv, you two get Xellos and give him to the Queen to buy us time.
Val-2: Blimey!
Valgarv: Right away.
Sungazer: Fiona, get a whole bunch of fishhooks. I'll get some strong, slim chain.

Faster than the speed of onee-sama, the Valgarvs had dropped a rather startled Xellos (along with a set of swimming flippers, a milk bottle, a handfull of marbles and some strawberry jelly) off in the courtroom. The Queen immediately promised to "discipline him" for playing hooky during the summing up and called for a brief recess. Then Kachi, an inflatable horsey pool toy, and nothing else worth mentioning (even in this fanfic) stormed in complaining about "unreasonable search and seizure".

By the time that the smack had been brought down on Kachi, it was evening. Everyone had been in the courtroom all day, and the food Gourrigan had been serving was giving people gas, so it was good to get outside and enjoy the evening weather. And, lo! There was not a sign of lava on the island! The trees were all in their places! The beach was freshly raked!

QoS: Sungazer! FeatherFall! Have you ended your duel?
Sungazer: Oh, yes.
FeatherFall: Thank you! Yes, we have.
QoS: Ah, Trouble Consultants, eh? I never would have thought. You all seem to have done a very good job cleaning up...no casualties, no collateral damage.
Kei: Heh heh heh...
Yuri: Oh, you know, we tried. You know.
QoS: Wait. Where's the Isle of Guest Writers?

Off the coast of the island, nothing could be seen except for a large patch of empty ocean.

Yuri: Oh, that.
Sungazer: Mm...
FeatherFall: That was intentional. We wanted to do that.
Valgarv: You know, too many bad memories..
Kei: We're all better off without it.
FeatherFall: Besides, it didn't look nice.
Fiona: So, we...er...destroyed it.
Kei: All of it.
Val-2: All the li'l bits and pieces of it.
Sungazer: Gone. Kablooey.
Amelia: *joining in* And good riddance!
Lina: Yeah. Good move.
Rezo: Let's put the whole nasty thing behind us now.

So the cast, crew, guest cast and guest writers began walking down the mountain to the beach. Only Gourrigan remained behind.

Rezo: Little buddy? Are you coming?
Gourrigan: Well, it's just...I could have sworn the sun set on the OTHER side of the island...I don't remember this "CUT HERE" line running around the top of the volcano. It's almost like we were in danger of a volcanic eruption, and somebody sawed off the top of both islands and switched them so we wouldn't be blown clear off the face of the earth.
Rezo: Gourrigan, that has to be your most boneheaded idea since you tried giving Zelgadis electroshock therapy by rubbing balloons on your sweater and holding them up to his head.
Gourrigan: Sorry, skipper.

That evening, there's a party on the beach...as there is most nights. All the castaways are there, as are the Aliens, the Predators, the Star Trek cast members, Tabi-Chan, Dick Clark, assorted Rurouni Kenshin characters, the sheltie, Sailor Saturn, and all the Guest Writers who were acquitted. Dathon's Star Craft and the Lovely Angel have been parked wing-tip to wing-tip, forming a natural ampitheater for the evening's entertainment. Alan Wilder and Dave Gahan have put aside their differences for one evening, allowing a Depeche Mode Reunion Tour to stop by Gourrigan's Island.

In between sets, the Queen (with Xellos handcuffed to her wrist) finds Lina and Gourrigan sitting on a beach towel beside Amelia, Zelgadis and Sylphiel. All are going Goth, but only Zel is able to pull it off. Kachi keeps trying to handcuff herself to Xellos' other wrist.

QoS: Enjoying yourselves, guys? *yank*
Kachi: Drat!
Lina: Yeah! I'm so glad the duel's over, and life can get back to what passes for normal around here.
QoS: Speaking of which, have either of you seen Feather and Sungazer around here?
Gourrigan: Um, Sungazer told me that "If the Angel's rockin', don't come knockin'," so I guess they're busy with their Valgarvs.
QoS: Wow, no time like the present, huh? *yank*
Kachi: Drat!
Sylphiel: Your Highness! Don't be so critical of Sungazer. He's a great pupil and he's very respectful.
QoS: Like how?
Sylphiel: He gave me this in appreciation!
Chibi-Gourrigan: Ohayou!

Sylphiel has dressed Chibi up in a black t-shirt and zoot-suit pants, with a Martin Gore hat on.

QoS: Cute. *yank*
Kachi: Drat!
Dave: WOOAH!

All eyes turn back to the stage as DM begins their second set.

Audience: YAAAAY!
Sheltie: WARF! WARF!
Tabi-Chan: MEOW!
Spock: Fascinating, Captain.
Kirk: Mr. Spock...we should...applaud!
Dave: THANK YOU!

The audience goes nuts. People stand and applaud. Aliens stick out their tongues. Sailor Saturn throws Tabi-Chan.

Kenshin: Ororoooo...
Megumi: Ah! Ken-san!
Kaoru: Hands off, he's MINE!
Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Are you happy to be on Gourrigan's Island tonight?

Dead silence.

Dave: Are you happy to not be stuck in the Chicago airport waiting for your luggage tonight?
Audience: YEEES!
Dave: We have a very special song to play for you tonight...and we have a very special guest to help us! This is an old friend of ours who's been with us through all the good times and the bad times...
Chorus: ESCA! FLOW-NAY!
Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, THE DISEMBODIED GREGORIAN CHANT! WOAAH!
Chorus: NICE TO! BE BACK! HOW YA! DO-ING!
Dave: Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for ENJOY THE SILENCE!

The opening rhythm figure begins. Sungazer and FeatherFall, wearing what appear to be either togas or kimonos, lean out of separate windows in the Lovely Angel and shout their approval before being dragged back inside by unseen hands. Martin launches into his guitar riff.

Chorus: WORDS LIKE! VIO-LENCE! BREAK THE! SILENCE! COME CRASH-ING IN!...
Zelgadis: Don't you wonder why they call it 'Enjoy the Silence'?
QoS: WHAT?
Zelgadis: I said, "don't you wonder why they call it 'Enjoy the Silence'?"
QoS: WHAT?
Xellos: HE SAID, "DON'T YOU EMPATHIZE WITH ALL OF GOURRIGAN'S RIGHT HAND?"
QoS: ZELGADIS, WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE DIRTY?
Zelgadis: What did you say?
Xellos: SHE SAID, "ZELGADIS, IS THAT A POSE TO BE PRETTY?"
Zelgadis: No, of course not!
Xellos: THERE YOU GO.
QoS: WHAT?
Xellos: HE SAID YES!

And so, they all lived happily ever after. Some much more happily than others. 

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