The Duel
(Part 1)
by Daniel Snyder and FeatherFall

Note: The parts written by Dan are in GREEN and the parts written by FeatherFall are in BLUE

Deep beneath the beaches and forests of Gourrigan's Island, some _thing_ slept. It was nameless, faceless...timeless, for it had always been and always would be. This was an evil thing, unable to reconcile its own existence and hence an avowed foe of everything that was. So long as it slept, the world lived safe from this nameless fear, but there would perhaps come a day when it would waken, and rise to ravage the world.

Or, perhaps not. And Princess Amelia was banking on the latter as she led the Gourrigan's Island Men's Musical Ensemble (GIMME!) into a rousing chorale.

Da Boyz: "Round, round, get around, I get around, yeah, round round oo-oo I get around, get around round..."

The conductorship, Amelia thought, was a great position, because you got to hop around and waggle your arms and generally be goofy until the end, when everyone applauded you special. The other cast members and the Queen herself were lounging around on the sand, enjoying the music (while not always technically perfect, indubitably enthusiastic); the exception was Filia, who was working on a "Michael and Me" cross stitch. The boys had just arrived at the bit about how his buddies and he are gettin' real well known, yeah, when a strange sound came from offshore.

Person offshore: A strange sound.
Xellos: Oh, my! Look over there!
Amelia: Ah, ah! Can't fool me with that one again, Mr. Xellos!

So as the rest of the cast looked off in the general direction of Sylphiel's cabbage patch (which, except for it being a patch of ragweed and not actually a patch so much as a bunch of topsoil that Gourrigan had put by the girl's hut for her, was aptly named), Amelia looked offshore to where a young man was struggling up out of the water. He was dressed in a now-familiar tie-dyed University of Florida t-shirt, black jeans, two layers of socks and hiking boots. On his face were mirrored shades. On his head was a black hat. In one hand he carried a trusty geologist's rock hammer. On his chest he wore a trusty geologist's vest. At his side was a trusty geologist's sheltie pup, borrowed at great inconvenience from a former professor.

Sungazer: Ackthpth. Thblath. Glack. Ickpth! Has anyone got a swig of freshwater for me? I got saltwater in my mouth after my hovercraft got full of eels and sunk.
Cast: SUNGAZER?
Sungazer: And Fiona.
Fiona the Hat: The sheltie shall remain nameless.
Sheltie: Warf!
Naga: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! It's guest author time, this should be interesting.
Martina: Maybe he'll cross us over with Heroic Legend of Arislan and we can get some fresh meat around here!
Sylphiel: Oh, that would be smashing.
Zangulus: Ho, no, I'd prefer Nadesico!
Rezo: That would be nice, as long as we can keep Gourrigan away from the mecha.
Xellos: Personally, my vote's for Serial Experiments Lain. *giggle*

Zelgadis was preparing to ask a question he was sure he was going to regret asking later when he noticed that the Queen herself was nervously backing out of the way.

Zelgadis: May I ask where you're going?
QOS: Sungazer...this wouldn't have anything to do with a certain cursed dragon, would it?
Sungazer: *setting down a bottle of Gatorade* As a matter of fact, it would. I've come here to settle an old score about who gets Valgarv. Settle it...right now.
Rezo: Hm. Settle a score. I suppose that means blood, fire, knives, hair, dramatic speeches, dream sequences, the whole bit?
Sungazer: Indeed.
Xellos: *to Amelia* Split you fifty-fifty.
Amelia: OK, but dibs the hair.

The Queen was now pressed up against the food hut with a look of sheer panic comparable only to that of a resident of Seyruun caught red-handed at being naughty by Prince Phil himself.

QOS: So, you've come to duel to the death, dismemberment, disgust or disinterest for the heart of Valgarv?
Sungazer: Heart? No, just the body. Come on, I'm not looking for commitment here.
Lina: A duel? Against whom?
Sungazer: Against the one woman who could care for Valgarv as much as I...who could split an infinitive with independent clause...who could remember as many Depeche Mode lyrics as I can....
Gourrigan: Reba McIntyre?
Sungazer: No, but you're on the right track...her...

He gestured down the beach to a young woman...

----

FeatherFall was sitting on a beach towel in her usual white-with-cherry-blossoms swimsuit, playing solitaire with her newly-acquired CardCaptor Sakura deck of cards. Apparently, she was losing, as she was spending more time admiring the cards than noticing which one it was.

FeatherFall: Sakura has such delightfully cute outfits...what an adorable dress with matching cap, I just love the little spikes trailing down from it with those bells attached to them...I wonder if I could get a suit like that...I'm sure it would look great, purple looks so good on me..But I would need holes cut in for the wings and that would make it more expensive...Maybe I could just buy the fabric and sew it myself...perhaps with a short cape too..

FEATHER!!!

Sungazer's bellowing voice caused a small hurricane in the vicinity of the dragon maiden, upsetting the towel, scattering the cards and sending her careening across the beach until a palm tree stopped her rather suddenly.

FeatherFall: Yow...*rubbing her bruised head* What did I do now?

She looked up to see Sungazer glaring at her, surrounded by a blue glowing aura of pissed-offness.

FeatherFall: Aw, crap, did I miss my cue?

She hurriedly got up and brushed sand off her, trying to placate the irate Sungazer.

FeatherFall: Sorry, sorry, it wasn't on purpose, it's just that you took so long to introduce me I figured I could kill some time with a good game of solitaire until my time came.

Which did not do anything to improve the mood of Sungazer. Or that of his hat.

Fiona: Get your arse over here!
FeatherFall: Hai!

She pounced on the scattered cards and hastened to put the deck back together, pausing for a moment to admire that lovely golden suit that--

Sungazer & Fiona: NOW!

 --would have to wait a while longer. She sprinted forward to stand before Sungazer, doing her best to make a flamboyant entrance.

FeatherFall: It is I, FeatherFall! Though I swore not to set foot here again for fear of the Queen's wrath, I have been challenged.

QoS: Mentally-challenged?
Zel: Good one.
FeatherFall, ignoring the remark: Being the devoted Valgarv follower that I am,  I couldn't stand by and see him taken away from me, so I here I am, to fight to the death!
Valgarv, from somewhere off-screen: Don't I get a say in this?
Sungazer & FeatherFall: No.
Valgarv: *pout*
FeatherFall: Anyway, this battle shall decide once and for all who gets Valgarv. That said, I call the north part of the island for my battle quarters! Yoink!

And in an eyeblink, she took off towards the north, leaving everyone else with a sweatdrop hanging from their head.

Zel: Wait a minute...
Lina: The north part? Isn't that where that damn golem of hers appeared the other day?

Meanwhile, on the north side of the island.....

FeatherFall: Lucky for me that golem built those little treehouses... Little does Gourrigan know how brilliant his suggestion about using them for treehouse wars was...That golem was a flash of genius on my part... *chuckle*

She took out a few sheets of paper and started drawing battle plans and topographic maps for the upcoming battle, snickering darkly.

After 2 hours, she had come up with a drawing of Nakago zapping pikachu into a pile of pokemon ashes (gotta sweep 'em all), one of Saitou(from Rurouni Kenshin) in a pink dress, one of herself surrounded by a harem of several dozen bishounen, with Sungazer all alone in a corner, and a sheet filled with the words 'Valgarv-sama' and 'Gackt-sama' scribbled over and over all over the page. She sighed and decided to take a nap.

-----

A small, insidious smile crept across Sungazer's face. If Feather had withdrawn to the north of the island, that meant that he could seize the initiative...

Valgarv: Um, I'd be perfectly happy to have you both. Both at once, even. Excuse me? Are you listening?
Sungazer: ...

He looked towards where all the castaways were milling around, to the volcano, and back again.

Xellos: (to Rezo) Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Rezo?
Rezo: Could be, Xellos. But burlap chafes me so.
Xellos: You are not thinking what I'm thinking. Martina, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Martina: What, that this is the finest entertainment we've had here since Allen Schezar showed up?
Xellos: Exactly!
Zangulus: Why aren't you thinking about having sex with me?
Martina: So many bishounen, so little time.
Zangulus: Thanks for the wonderful image.

As Xellos disappeared into the underbrush (off to do no good) and questions of marital fidelity appeared in the M-Z household, Sungazer set his Cunning Plan into operation.

Sungazer: Sheltie, my hat.
Sheltie: Warf!
Fiona: Sungazer, what are you thinking?
Sungazer: I know what I'm doing. Hey, Lina! The only difference between you and a baboon is that a baboon has bigger boobs.

Which had the predictable result of making Lina turn bright red, hot and angry.

Lina: You are SO DEAD! GIGA-SLAVE!

But as the spell's energy came from Lina's fingertips, Sungazer cleverly dodged the bolt using a time-worn plot-contrivance. The magical bolt flew uphill and took out the top third of the volcano.

Sungazer: Mission accomplished. And now--flee.
Fiona: SUNGAZER!
Lina: Get--back--here--right--now--and...
Gourrigan: Um, Lina, you know that baboons don't have hair on their bottoms either.

While the rest of the cast facefaulted, Lina's head turned a full 540 degrees to stare at Gourrigan.

Lina: WHAT WAS THAT?
Gourrigan: Well, you don't have a hairy butt. Baboons don't have hairy butts...
Lina: GIGA-SLAVE!

Lina began chasing Gourrigan around and across the beach, periodically invoking the Lord of Nightmare's fearsome energy, which was about par for the course. The rest of the cast, feeling that it was only a matter of time before they got it too, started going to their huts...

Sylphiel: Mr. Zelgadis, you know about mountains, right?
Zelgadis: A little, yes.
Sylphiel: Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it's bad when steam and ash and burning hot rock come pouring out of one, right?
Zelgadis: Yes. That's called a volcanic eruption.
Sylphiel: So what do we do if we see one?
Zelgadis: We hope that it goes for the guest writers, which is what this one seems to be doing.

On the north part of the island, Featherfall's brain and the rest of her were sorting a few issues out.

Featherfall's Brain: That is lava!
The Rest of Featherfall: ...
Featherfall's Brain: Lava is not a good thing!
The Rest of Featherfall: ...
Featherfall's Brain: And it's coming this way, such as, towards us! Did I mention that it's not a good thing, by the way? It's not a good thing at all. In fact, it's quite a bad thing.
The Rest of Featherfall: Maybe setting our plan into action and then running away would be the right thing to do.
Featherfall's Brain: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!

------

FeatherFall(as a whole): Ok, ok, ok, for the sake of my dear little treehouse village, and because, while I love volcanoes, I don't enjoy them blowing up on MY stuff, I shall do something to stop this eruption!

Feather took off and came to a hovering stop some meters away from the lava.

FeatherFall: I believe this is where Queen was standing when she got rid of that golem...

She held up her hand and made various pulling gestures, grasping at the air above her head. After a while, she realized that no cord was mysteriously materializing, and no water was falling down.

FeatherFall: Dammit! A huge amount of water should be splashing down on top of that lava! My last fanfic said so! Why isn't this working for me!
Queen, from somewhere in the limbo of fanfiction: Cause I'm the Queen and you're not.

Feather slumped down in utter defeat...Various cast members, including the Queen, gathered around to make her feel even more like shit.

Lina: You poor excuse for a writer!
Xellos: Really, dragon maidens are just so pathetic compared to us Mazoku...
Amelia: You can't even stop a volcano by yourself!
FeatherFall: Well, come on, I don't have 20 fire trucks and those concrete thingies to pile in front of the lava, nor do I have Tommy Lee Jones and/or want him around...
Queen: Bah, excuses, excuses, you just can't admit the fact that you're not as cool as I am...
FeatherFall: What about you Queen, aren't you worried about your island being destroyed every single fanfic? I mean, renting this island must already cost a buttload...
Queen: ...Shit, you're right.

She pulled on a mysteriously materializing cord and a ridiculously huge quantity of water splashed down, putting the volcano out in some really cool and absolutely impossible manner that you only get to see whenever Queen's around.

Sungazer, appearing nearby: A rational attack on Queen...Well done, FeatherFall...I underestimated you...But the battle is only starting! Take this, Sungazer Special Nephrite Attack!

Feather perked up at this, expecting Sungazer to pull out some brown-haired bishounen and fling him at her, and so was considerably surprised to be clonked over the head with a hard rock.

FeatherFall: OW! *clutching a rapidly swelling bump on her forehead* Right, it's a stupid rock's name too...
Fiona: No insulting the rock.
FeatherFall, muttering: Shut up you mad hat...And honestly, what's the big idea throwing me rocks? How old are you, 5?
Sungazer: I am a geologist, what did you expect, spells? Cream pies?
FeatherFall: Fine then, now it's my turn to attack.

She did some Nifty Hand Gestures and a large pole weapon appeared in her hand. The weapon had some wicked-looking blade shaped like a half-circle with intricate carvings on the guard.

FeatherFall: This is my weapon of choice, the MoonBlade. You may feel free to run away screaming in horror at the sight of it...........or not..........in fact I forbid it! There, glad to see you're not disobeying me...but I wouldn't mind much, really...
Sungazer, unimpressed: Oh my, be careful not to chop off a foot with that thing, Feather dearie...
FeatherFall: Hmph! You'll regret those words...

That said, she jumped in the air and spread her wings, swinging the MoonBlade above her head to Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu - Ryuu Tsui Sen Sungazer in two....but that was without counting on the massive weight of a half-circle of forged steel at the end of a pole...As a result, Feather did a nice backflip and a half and ended face first in the sand, the blade impaled deep in the soil.

Sungazer, with a massive sweatdrop: I think you need more practice with that thing....Besides, Kenshin techniques are dangerous and shouldn't be left to amateurs.
Michael the Red Priest, passing by: I resent that!

Feather extruded herself from the sand with a *plop* and sat down, giving over to despair.

FeatherFall: Everything is going wrong for me today! Even my trusty MoonBlade betrayed me! What shall I do...? I don't wanna lose Val-chan...T_T

Suddenly, Kachi strolled in, dressed in her shredded carpenter jeans, chucks and a 'Cerebus for president' t-shirt.

FeatherFall: ACK! Oneesama!!
Kachi grinned darkly: It is I, whose name means victory! For I am indeed the Goddess of Victory! And Feather's Big Sister from Hell. Hey Feather, gimme a quarter so I can call my mom, I locked my #$%#$%ing keys in the car again..
Queen: You're kidding, right? FeatherFall, don't tell me there's more of you wherever it is you came from?
Kachi: HEY!
Amelia: And how can you be sisters since she looks very much like a Mazoku and you're a dragon, miss FeatherFall?
FeatherFall: Well, for all internet purposes, she is my almighty oneesama. *cowers*
Kachi: Feather, I've been watching you since the battle started and I must say this: you suck at fighting. I came here to teach you how to fight the DIRTY way so you can win this.
Xellos: Well, she could have just asked me you know...
Sungazer: This is supposed to be a fair fight....
Kachi: When a bishounen is at stake, a woman must use every possible means to get him in the bag. Besides, don't they say 'All's fair in love and war'?
Sungazer: But--
Kachi: Shaddap you, less chatting more plotting. Come on Feather, let's get back to the treehouses, we have some asses to kick here, it was high time I came...
FeatherFall: Hai, oneesama!

With this, the two flew/teleported back towards the treehouses.

Kachi: Geez, Feather, I let you out of my sight for 3 minutes and you manage to lose yet ANOTHER battle? Has all my training been in vain?

FeatherFall winced at the mention of the training.

FeatherFall: But, oneesama, you're a mazoku and I'm some sort of sin against nature writer avatar...
Kachi: Oh, that's no excuse, the Golden Dragons are there to prove that you can fight dirty against enemies 10 times your size and still manage to make kibbles n' bits out of them.
FeatherFall: Yeah, but Xellos all by himself blew up thousands of them, which brings me back to my original argument.

Kachi stopped to think about this for a moment, trying to find a way to extricate herself from this vicious circle. Eventually she gave up and fell back on another tactic.

Kachi: Feather! Don't talk back to your big sister that way! Now go in the kitchen and make me some pie!
FeatherFall: Hai!
Kachi: And give me a shoulder massage!
FeatherFall: Hai!
Kachi: And give me all those bishounen pics you keep hidden under your bed!
FeatherFall: Dream on.
Kachi: NOOGIES!
FeatherFall: Ok! Ok! But I'm keeping Gackt-sama T_T
Kachi: AND the Gackt pics.
FeatherFall: But you HATE Gackt!!
Kachi: They're for a guy friend, heh.

FeatherFall reluctantly surrendered her Box of Bishies to oneesama...

FeatherFall: Boy, and Lina thinks SHE has the worst oneesama? T_T

-----

Sungazer listened as best he could, while still not technically crossing the north-south dividing line of the island. He was sweating. Partly because he was nervous, partly because the lava he was standing on was still very, very hot.

Sungazer: So, FeatherFall has had some weapons training, has she? This makes things difficult for me. Yeah, I can throw rocks with the best of them, but there's only so many rocks around at one time. Maybe it's time for me to bring out my secret weapon...

He pulled out his rock hammer and looked at it thoughtfully.

Sungazer: Now, I need someone to help me learn to use it. A really powerful swordsman, like Gourrigan or Lina...
Lina: GIGA-SLAVE! GIGA-SLAVE!
Sungazer: ...unless, they're busy. Maybe I could try Zangulus...no, he's probably busy too. Maybe--
Zelgadis: Forget it.
Sungazer: Fine! I know what I'll do, I'll study under a sword master so radical that nobody will be prepared for my technique and they'll have no clue how to defeat me! That should make me invincible!

And so, a few minutes later, Sungazer was hard at work learning how to use a sword.

Sylphiel: Please understand, Mr. Sungazer. You're my first student, and I don't think I know that much about swords.
Sungazer: I have full confidence in you, sensei.
Sylphiel: *blush* Now, have you got a sword?
Sungazer: Yep, right here.
Sylphiel: That's a rock hammer.
Sungazer: Not for long. ROCK, COME FORTH!

A long blade of rock came out of the head of the rock hammer.

Sylphiel: Could it be...am I in the presence of the legendary Swordsman of Rock?
Sungazer: No, because there's no such thing.
Sylphiel: *facefault*
Sungazer: So are you going to show me how to use this or what?
Sylphiel: Of course I will, I said I would. Now, pay very close attention to me.
Sungazer: ...
Sylphiel: Keep this pointy end away from you. Hold onto this part here. Chop, slice and skewer everyone with everything in between.
Sungazer: ...
Sylphiel: And if you're going to be doing any slicing and chopping, use this part. Save skewering for just this little bit here at the end.
Sungazer: I have achieved enlightenment!

Meanwhile, in FeatherFall's treehouse:

Kachi: Gundam Wing doujinshi is too bishounen! Give it to me!
FeatherFall: It is not bishounen at all! It doesn't count.
Kachi: Give it give it give it...
Xellos: May I step in for a moment?

Not waiting for an answer, Xellos appeared in the middle of the room, startling the two young women.

Xellos: I've come to warn you that Sungazer is on his way. He's learned the mysterious Uragirina Nakayubi sword technique, and...
Kachi: Uragirina Nakayubi?
FeatherFall: "Treacherous Middle Finger?"
Xellos: None other! It is said that "its technique is as deadly as its name is stupid". And he'll soon be here.
Kachi: FeatherFall, you must stop him before he comes to the north part of the island!
Xellos: It's too late. He's in the north part of the island.
Kachi: Then, you must stop him before he finds our treehouse!
Xellos: It's too late. He's found the treehouse.
Kachi: Then you must...
Sungazer: Wow! So that's why they call him 'Duo'!
Xellos, Kachi and FeatherFall: *facefault*

----

Sungazer: Greetings dear opponent, Sister from Hell and Mazoku, I have come to show you my new sword technique.
Kachi: Fine, fine, just thrash Feather outside, those are my quarters and I won't tolerate fighting inside.
FeatherFall, whimpering: Won't you even help me, oneesama?
Kachi: Not this time. I've got a Box of Bishies to dig through, thank you, come again...Clean yourself up before you come home, I don't want any bloodstains on the floor, you hear me?
FeatherFall: Hai, hai...T_T

Feather mustered whatever courage she still had left and bravely stepped outside, gently floating over to a clearing about a hundred feet away. Alighting softly, she took a deep breath to steady herself and get ready to battle.

FeatherFall: Ok, give me your best shot. I read Kenshin, so I'm not a total ignoramus when it comes to swordfights.

Sungazer pulled out his geologist's hammer and summoned the rock blade forth.

Sungazer: Rock come forth!

*GRIND*

And lo and behold, a rock blade came out.

FeatherFall: ... Isn't that sword...REALLY heavy?
Sungazer, straining: *Grunt* Not at all! Hyaa!!

He thrust forward, remembering Sylphiel's lessons about swordfighting, and deciding to see if what she said about using the point for skewering was true.

FeatherFall: Yikes!

She jumped to the side, avoiding the blade, and used her wings to regain her balance and spin about abruptly.

FeatherFall: I don't have a choice, I have to use the MoonBlade again. But this time, I know what will happen if I try a Ryuu Tsui Sen! I'm not the same naive and unexperienced fighter I was an hour ago!

She extended both arms and the MoonBlade materialized, still glowing faintly blue. Sungazer, the weight of the Sword of Rock keeping him in motion, still hadn't managed to stop and turn around. Eventually, the blade embedded itself in a palm tree, splitting it in two and giving off a shower of splinters.

FeatherFall, stunned: Oh my...This blade is something else! I can't possibly expect to block it with the wooden pole of my MoonBlade...I have to find a way to either destroy his weapon or keep him away from me...

She put the MoonBlade back in Hammerspace and called out to Sungazer.

FeatherFall: Sunny-boy! Look what I've got!
Sungazer, booted foot on the tree trunk, trying to pull the sword out: What now?

Feather plopped a large greenish bag on the sand next to her.

Sungazer: The trash that your oneesama told you to take out?
FeatherFall, staring at it: *Gulp* Why it is, hold on, I got the wrong bag...ah, there it is!

Feather fished out another large bag from Hammerspace, also greenish but made of a thick fabric.

FeatherFall: This convenient little bag is very similar to the Trunk o' Tricks, which is why it is called the Bag o' Dirty Tricks.
Queen, appearing on the scene: Note to self: I need to add a clause to the regulations that specifies NO convenient dimensional-pocket-type devices allowed on the island...
FeatherFall: Well, it's too late now for this fanfic, haha! Now, my arch-nemesis, take this!

She dug into the bag and got out...a plump, befuddled-looking cat.

FeatherFall: This is my slightly overweight cat Tabi-chan. Now, Tabi, be a dear and go for the face.

With this, she flung the bewildered cat at Sungazer, 13 pounds of hair, but mostly fat, aimed straight at his face.

FeatherFall: Hahahaha! What will you do now, Sungazer? You wouldn't dare slice an adorable, cuddly cat like mine, would you? In that case, even if you manage to avoid her 5 pointed extremities, the smothering trap that is her fuzzy belly will slowly choke you to death! That is, if the cloud of hair she projects just by moving doesn't kill you with allergies first!

Sungazer merely stepped aside, letting the poor cat zip by and land in the vegetation beyond with an outraged meow.

FeatherFall: Or you could.....avoid it....like you did...
Kachi: *hollering from the treehouse* Get the cat wet before you throw it!!!
FeatherFall: Oops, too late, why should I have?
Kachi: Cause water turns cats violent.
Sungazer: Wow, your sister is really a marvel of dirty fighting.
Xellos: I think I'm in love...
Queen: Grrrrrr...
FeatherFall: Ok, a cat is too small for a real offensive, lessee... *digging in bag again* A-ha! Now here is something you'll have trouble avoiding!!

She heaved with all her might and pulled out a life-size Saitou, full-equipped with his Dream Katana(tm) and Dream Policeman Outfit(tm). Lifting him above her head with tremendous effort (hey, the guy is twice my size!), she threw him forward. Former Shinsen-gumi 3rd unit chief Saitou Hajime flew for about 3 feet before crashing heavily onto the ground.

Everyone: *sweatdrop*

Saitou, getting up and turning around slowly: *stare of death*
FeatherFall: *blanching* Eep.

Saitou took out the Dream Katana(tm) and a step towards Feather.

FeatherFall: This calls for a retreat...I'll be back with even better stuff! Bye!!

And she ran (not flew) like hell back to the treehouses. A minute later, roaring laughter could be heard coming from Kachi.

----

Sungazer: Rock, go away!

Once again able to lift his rock hammer, Sungazer gazed thoughtfully up to the treehouse. He strained to listen to what Kachi and FeatherFall were talking about, but to no avail. He tried throwing Fiona up towards the treehouse, but she couldn't get near enough to hear either.

Sungazer: I must get up to that treehouse somehow! But I can't cut it down. My loyalty to the Uragirina Nakayubi forbids me from hurting trees in any way, shape or...eep!

He glanced over to the palm tree he had just cut open, experienced a few heart palpitations, and then was struck with a clever idea. He disappeared into the forest, only to return a moment later with a large sign that said "BEWARE OF FEROCIOUS BEAVERS". After putting it conspicuously close to the damaged tree, he resumed his thinking.

Sungazer: Ah-ha! I know! I'll borrow one of Dathon's starships. I'll be able to hover right over the treehouse and fire very very carefully at the treehouse. And victory will be mine!

He ran off into the forest for parts unknown. Xellos started to follow him, but then stopped.

Xellos: Wait a moment. If Michael the Red Priest can make appearances without warning, and Sungazer knows where Dathon is, then this means...no. No. The Isle of Guest Writers is just a terrible, terrible myth that the Queen made up to keep us all in line! There can't be a desert island in the Pacific crammed full of Gourrigan's Island guest writers...can there be?
Kachi and FeatherFall: *from the treehouse* It's a secret!
Xellos: *sweatdrop* I didn't realize I was talking out loud. Bad habit, Xellos. Stop it. Stop it. Now...*giggle*

Xellos too disappeared into the jungle. From the treehouse, Kachi and FeatherFall watched him go nervously.

FeatherFall: You don't suppose that he's going to find out about the Isle of Guest Writers, do you, oneesama?
Kachi: Whatever will happen will happen. Now, listen carefully.
FeatherFall: Hai!
Kachi: Every enemy you will ever face will have a weakness. You must find that weakness, and use it to YOUR advantage.
FeatherFall: Hai, oneesama! So, for Sungazer, let me see...
Kachi: ...
FeatherFall: To stop him, I will put out the sun and cut out his eyeballs! That way, he won't be Sungazer anymore!
Kachi: *sweatdrop* Aaaaah...you have the right idea. But it will take more work than that.
FeatherFall: Eh?
Kachi: You must study his every move. You must watch him very carefully, at all hours of the day and night. Pay close attention to him, because you do not know when he will reveal his weakness.
FeatherFall: And when he does...?
Kachi: Then you say, "I'll take what's in the box."
FeatherFall: *blink*
Kachi: No! That's what you do when he reveals what's behind Door #1. When he reveals his weakness, do not act then. Plan how you will use it, and wait until he reveals his weakness a second time.
FeatherFall: I'll do that, oneesama! Thank you, thank you!
Kachi: Now alphabetize my CDs, do two loads of my laundry and clean up my refrigerator.
FeatherFall: *sigh* I'm never going to win this duel.

Xellos, meanwhile, had formulated a plan of attack. Down on the beach, Amelia and Zelgadis were making glassware out of the molten glass that Lina's Giga-Slaving had made from the beach sands, and Filia was watching them as she sunbathed.

Xellos: Good day, you pathetic Golden Dragon. Are you busy?
Filia: Hmph! I'm too busy to associate with you, you miserable Mazoku.
Xellos: *loud whisper* Are you too busy to learn about...the Isle of Guest Writers?
Filia: WHAT???
Filia's Tail: Poink!
Xellos: Yes, that's right...the legendary Isle of Guest Writers, full of all the people who've been writing about us these many months.
Filia: But...but...that can't be true. We would frighten each other with stories about the Isle of Guest Writers around the campfire, but I never...
Xellos: But it is true! I've just heard Sungazer say that he knows where it is. In fact...

While Sungazer had said nothing specific, Xellos' exaggeration worked. In an instant, Filia was in her dragon form and flying at supersonic speeds across the treetops, looking for the guest-writer-in-the-know.

Xellos: Mission accomplished. Soon, Filia will have tortured Sungazer into revealing where the island is, FeatherFall will know his weak spot, and I'll be on to all three of them. Chaos and misery will reign. *giggle* And now, to pump the Queen with my...I mean, to pump the Queen for information.

But Xellos' plan had one small flaw. Watching from the treeline, Sylphiel was set with pangs of fear.

Sylphiel: I...I don't care, even if he does know about the Isle of Guest Writers. Sungazer is still my student. He still believes in me to learn about swordplay, and also horticulture, under my care. I can't let him be tortured by Filia, and mocked by FeatherFall, and lose his chance to make hot, sweaty love to a dragon with rippling muscles, and a string jaw, and thick green hair, and a conspicuous bulge in the front of his...whoa, is it getting really humid, or is it just me?

----

Kachi: Feather, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You suck at fighting. Thank Ruby-eye-sama that *I* inherited the family's mayhem business.
FeatherFall: You mean psychology?
Kachi: Yeah, that.
FeatherFall: Well, the battle isn't over! I can still win!
Kachi: Not with those pathetic fighting skills you can't...
FeatherFall: Then if you're so good, tell me, what should we do next?

Before Kachi could answer, a voice outside yelled a booming "MAZOKU MAIL!" and a very thick and heavy something was flung inside through the open door. Feather caught it neatly with her face and lay twitching on the treehouse floor for a few moments while Kachi drew closer to inspect it.

Kachi: It looks like a catalog...

Feather, recovering instantly and snatching it: Oh!! It's the Weapons and Pain Devices Illustrated catalog, 2000 issue!! I've been waiting forever for this thing! I guess being on this uncharted island screwed up with their delivery service a bit..
Kachi peeked over her shoulder: This just might be what you need, Feather, your skill with the MoonBlade isn't the greatest...
FeatherFall: Yeah...plus it's not ideal to fight Sungazer's Sword of Rock. It did some major damage to that poor tree, I need something a little lighter and well-balanced...
Kachi: Why don't you try a bow? That's light and easy to wield.
FeatherFall: If there's no free Chester coming with it what's the point?
Kachi: Oh, knock it off with your Tales of Phantasia obsession, you beat that game months ago. Concentrate on the current battle! You need something that will deal him maximum damage. Here, check into their Massive Maiming section.

Feather hurriedly flipped the pages to the said section, which displayed the explosives and firearms.

FeatherFall: Hey, look! Isn't that Queen's 'SUE THIS' bazooka?
Kachi looked at the big painful-looking weapon: Wow, it is! I guess all that fighting and Giga-Slaving on her island took its toll after all...
Feather read the descriptive article: 'Only one made! Autographed by the Queen herself, this long-range gun comes with certificate of authenticity and 5 missiles with the words "SUE THIS!" printed on them in large letters visible even for airborne enemies! First come first serve, so order it NOW!'
Kachi: Neat...how much?
Feather gasped and turned blue: .....You don't want to know.....
Kachi: Tsk...how about the rest of the section?
FeatherFall: Ugh, no thanks...explosives are so 1950s...and I don't like guns..too crude.
Kachi: Bah, you just know you'd be sent 20 feet back from the recoil, that's all...
FeatherFall: I think a pole weapon would suit me better anyway...something two-handed with a solid metal shaft and a counterweight at one end...
Kachi: Maybe just a simple spear or halberd?
FeatherFall: OH!! Oh my L-sama!!! Look what they added to the catalog this year!! They dedicated a full page to it!

Feather pointed at a very long spear, probably around 7 feet high, made of a dark shiny metal. The tip carried a strange curved blade, resembling an oddly shaped U. One part curved like a vertical scythe, whereas the other part seemingly stopped halfway and broadened abruptly. The other end also bore the aforementionned counterweight and the whole thing seemed perfectly balanced.

Kachi read the name under it: Silence Glaive? Isn't that Sailor Saturn's weapon?
FeatherFall: *dreamy sigh* Yeah, doesn't it look great?
Kachi: Oi, are you on a Sailor Moon trip lately? Whatever happened to you hating magical girls shows and thinking SM was ridiculous and repetitive? Tsk tsk, now everyone will know you're a closet SM fan and make fun of you, haw haw!
FeatherFall: Nooooo!! I still do think the plot is ridiculous and cheesy and repetitive but....*starry-eyed* look at how pretty that weapon is....It looks just so deadly and sharp and light and easy to wield and it does those nice clinking and swooshing sounds when swung about...How could I NOT love such a great weapon?
Kachi: And how could I forget you'd never pass up a handful of bishounen regardless of the show...
FeatherFall: And disgustingly powerful sickly schoolgirls.
Kachi: *glares*
Feather, dropping head, defeated: And Pluto too cause Dead Scream looks and sounds cool...
Kachi: *glares some more*
Feather, slumping even lower: And Uranus cause she's got cool written all over herself...
Kachi: And..?
Feather, sighing: And either of them could beat the ever-loving snot out of any of the inner senshi in less time it takes to say *GACKT*.
Kachi: Very good! I see my lessons have finally paid off somehow, you root for the villains and the professional ass-kickers instead of the cute and insipidly good characters.

Feather blushed at the unexpected praise and felt some of her self-confidence come back.

FeatherFall: Anyway...I want this thing.....Just picture how much ass I could shovel around the place with a weapon like this! *she read the accompanying article* 'The hottest new addition to this year's catalog has been requested far and wide by our faithful readers, Sailor Saturn's very own Silence Glaive(tm)! The handle is made of the sturdiest metal and the light blade won't drag you down during the swing. The counterweight matches exactly the weight of the blade for perfect balance, providing clean beheading and other mangling actions. Comes with two techniques: Silence Glaive Surprise! and Silent Wall (a protection technique for the wusses among you who can't fight well enough to NOT need it)'
Kachi: What, the Death Reborn Revolution doesn't come with it? Sheesh, what's the idea depriving us of the most destructive technique ever? With this you'd have been able to beat Sungazer in just one stroke...*sigh*
Feather kept on reading: 'Due to new regulations on ridiculously abusive techniques, we are not allowed to include the Death Reborn Revolution in the package. Rest assured however that unless you're a total pussy the Silence Glaive Surprise should provide enough destructive power to fulfill all your powergaming needs!' Oh, I gotta have it!!
Kachi: I still think you should go with explosives and firearms, but if you think you can manage with it...how much is this wonder?
Feather turned a deep purple and nearly fainted: Oh my...I could get 3 SUE THIS! guns for that price!! *whining* And it doesn't even have Saturn's autograph on it!
Kachi: Well, you do get techniques with it....maybe you should go with something cheaper.....why not a spatula? Wouldn't that fit your character better?

Feather flipped the pages over to the Sissy/Funny Weapons section.

FeatherFall: Hmm...It IS cheaper...but...It just doesn't have all the class and butchering action only a Silence Glaive(tm) can offer!
Kachi eyed her suspiciously: Where did you get that?
FeatherFall: Right there, in the descriptive article for the Bigass Spatula(tm).
Kachi actually went bug-eyed at that: Well geez, isn't that called pressure selling?

Feather went back to gaze admiringly at the overpriced implement of asskicking, noting on the way that the Sissy/Funny Weapons section offered Lina's Bunny Slipper for cheap too....That just might come in handy later...

Kachi: Looks like we have no choice...I'll have to sell you into slavery in order to get enough money to buy it...
Feather muttered venomously: I'm ALREADY practically your slave, oneesama...
Kachi: Yup, and boy do I love it!
Feather sighed heavily: However am I gonna get enough money to buy it? Shall I have to sell myself into slavery? Or be forced to *gulp* work?
Xellos: I believe I can help you there!
FeatherFall: Wah!! What are you doing here? In...boxers if I'm not mistaken...
Xellos: Oh, I've been hiding behind the bed ever since you came back from counting all the rocks near the waterfall.
Feather, suspiciously: I've been wondering why on earth oneesama wanted me to do such a pointless thing...

Kachi just whistled and looked away.

Xellos: Anyway, I can provide you with this Silence Glaive you long for, in exchange for one simple thing...
FeatherFall: Here's my soul, take it. Now, the Glaive?
Xellos: Oh no, that won't be necessary, I just need you to go find Sungazer's weakness...
FeatherFall: *stare* Is there some sort of mazoku obsession with weaknesses? Or are you just still pissed because Amelia found yours?
Xellos, twitching: N..not at all, now get going already, I have some unfinished business here...
FeatherFall: Hai hai...

Then she flew off feeling quite nauseated--

Kachi: Feather!

--enthused about her job, trying to find Sungazer in the maze that is Gourrigan's Island. Joy. Surprisingly (or not), it proved rather easy. She just had to fly over to where the giant starship was to see Dathon and Sungazer conversing together.

FeatherFall: Now what's he plotting with that giant conspicuous starship? To blow my dear little treehouses to smithereens? Hmph! Uh-oh, and is that Filia I see flying at high speed towards us in a - dare I guess? - highly pissed state? I'd better see if I can shapeshift to eavesdrop on them...

She mustered all her power and dropped to the ground, assuming the first shape she could think of. A stalk of corn.

"I just felt for a second my jokes were getting pretty corny..." she thought ruefully, squiggling her way forward in the jungle. After much exhausting wriggling, she eventually reached the clearing where Sungazer and Dathon were arguing hotly, apparently about money. She couldn't hear a thing....So much for corn ears. It didn't matter now anyway, Filia crash-landed down on Dathon's starship, flattening it instantly and sending debris and the two men flying in the bushes.

Filia: SUNGAZER!! Where are you! Show yourself!
"Wow, thought FeatherFall, she's yelling so loud I can actually hear her...No wait, I'm back in my usual form, she just scared me out of my kernels..."

She quickly hid in the dense foliage, surveying the area for Sungazer and found him scrambling for cover some 6 palm trees to her right. Dathon was nowhere in sight, he probably had teleported away in the heat of the moment. She made a mental note that Sungazer seemed to be vulnerable to giant furious dragons, but then so might anyone, and she wasn't gonna try shapeshifting again to test that weakness. Seeing Filia revving up for a good ol' laser breath, she decided Sungazer's weakness wasn't worth her hide and got the hell out of there.

*Woosh* *More of Filia's screaming for Sungazer to come out and reveal to her where the Isle of Guest Writers was*

FeatherFall: Sucks to be him at the moment...Oh dear...*noticing the large crater Filia was currently shaping from the charred vegetation* That's gonna cost Queen some more...I wonder what she'll have to sell this time...

Feather turned around and saw the castaways' village.

FeatherFall: Do I risk going there and asking for information about Sungazer's weakness? Oh, yes, good idea! I'll go see whoever it was who taught him swordfight, surely they must know his weakness!

Mentally patting herself for having finished a coherent thought, she made a dive for the village, raising a cloud of sand as she landed rather abruptly in a dune.

FeatherFall: Ok, now who could have taught him swordfighting... Gourrigan, of course!

She peered through the dust and spotted him half asleep on a picnic table, with Rezo sitting in front of him talking about something or other. As she drew closer, she realized he was talking about his last fishing trip with Xellos. Knowing Xellos, Rezo must have caught (and perhaps eaten too) a boot or something equally unwholesome and been made to believe it was a fish. The poor guy was also oblivious to the fact that Gourrigan wasn't listening anymore to his description of how bravely he reeled the monster in with only a rod made of bamboo and coconut fibers for a string. She plopped down wearily next to him, trying to sound interested (how did one do that without talking anyway?). Five minutes later, she had decided his story was finished whether he liked it or not and cut to the chase.

FeatherFall: Gourrigan, did you teach Sungazer swordfighting?
Gourrigan: Did I teach Sungazer Who?
FeatherFall: Have you ever seen a sword of rock?
Gourrigan: Sure, I've seen many sorts of rocks!

Feather groaned and considered for a moment creaming Gourrigan with Rezo's staff just to see if it would cancel the hit that made him so dumb in the first place.

FeatherFall: Last chance, Gourrigan, have you seen a black hat with some guy under it in the past 2 days?

Gourrigan: I think I recall seeing a hat somewhere on the beach but maybe it was a jellyfish after all...

Feather decided that the fact that Sungazer was still sane now proved he had not spoken to Gourrigan since his arrival on the island. Next possible match, Zel.

FeatherFall: Remember Zel? Stone boy? Where is he?
Gourrigan: Oh, I think he's on the beach with Amelia...something to do with sand and glass and sand turning to glass...

Feather heaved a massive sigh of relief and flew at high speed toward the beach. She spotted Amelia first. She had made a huge replica of the Saillune castle out of glass with only a pair of mittens woven with coconut fibers and a healthy dose of love for justice. Ok, she wouldn't tell me how she did it... Zel had made little glass Claire Bibles and was looking at them longingly, sighing sadly.

FeatherFall: Hello, Zel, have you seen Sungazer lately?
Zel: Yeah, he's been hanging around Sylphiel, learning swordfighting.

Feather was so stunned by those news she was struck speechless for a whole minute.

FeatherFall: Learning swordfighting from...Sylphiel? Did I hear well?
Zel: Yes, you did, now go bother her, I'm busy wallowing in self-pity.

FeatherFall flew over the castaways' village a few times, hanging limply from her wings, wondering how on earth Sylphiel of all people could have known a powerful technique like that Uragirina Nakayubi, but the said Sylphiel was nowhere to be found. She had finally given up on finding her today and was getting ready to wearily flutter back home, when she remembered who was calling in on her sister and decided to get herself lost at some hot spring until the morning came...

On to part two!