Games ť Suikoden ť Diary of a young girl

We find the usual suspects sitting in the channel's lounge, plotting evil and fun, like on every other friday. The atmosphere is tense, as there hasn't been an MST in a long time and everyone's feeling a teensy bit bloodthirsty, to be honest. Filia and Deep are whispering in a corner, pointing at pics on a website. Some giggles are occasionally heard. Deep is being introduced to the bishounen world of Suikoden and very thankful for it. Ranchan is sharpening some large kitchen knives in another corner, chuckling darkly and muttering to himself. Havoc gives him a wide berth as he walks by to fetch some booze for everyone old enough to drink. That means none for Ranchan. It's probably for the best anyway. Wouldn't want those knives to get where they don't belong, now, would we? Havoc sets the bottles on the coffee table and calls out to Filia, who quickly grabs the story and makes her way over.

Filia: Just so you're warned, I won't be held responsible for any mental damage caused by this fic.
Havoc: That bad?
Filia: I don't think Suikoden 1 will ever be the same to me. My 3-month-old nostalgic memories have been soiled forever.
Deep: Ouch. Will I still want to play after this?
Filia: I doubt it. But you can try and tell yourself that this girl's 'friends' were all lying and were in fact plotting to sell her organs to the Harmonians.
Ranchan: I like it! Let's do this!

Games ť Suikoden ť Diary of a young girl
Author: Cernais Tilmaron

Havoc: "Dear diary. Today I was caught up in a huge battle and was promptly slaughtered, being that I am a young girl. The end."
Ranchan: ...is it right to peek in a young girl's diary?
Filia: Ah, that's why this fic sucks, it's written by a sissy elf.
Deep: Diary of a young girl...she stole that from Anne Frank!
Deep: <Anne Frank> Thieving BITCH.

G - English - General/Romance - Reviews: 6 - Publish date: 07-13-03 - Updated: 07-21-03
Discalimer: I don't own any of the chars besides Kalleia. Nor do I own Suikoden.

Filia: No, Suikoden 0WNZ J00!!
Havoc: Wait. She owns that character? I'm smelling the putrid stench of self-insertion.
Filia: Which is why the 'romance' label scares me to the core of my being.
Deep: Alert! Alert! Mary Sue! Mary Sue! Shoot to kill!
Ranchan: It's a G rating? I'm surprised it's not a Disney fic
Filia: This should be rated higher. I shudder to think that little kids will read this and think that's what a fic should be. A whole generation could turn out to be complete illiterate morons.
Deep: You mean that hasn't already happened? Look at all those craptacular Harry Potter fics.
Filia: I stand corrected.
Havoc: Let's not doom future generations yet; we haven't even read the actual text yet.
Filia: Let's get this show on the road then.

Name- Kalleia Keyon Age-16 birth-???? Eyes-blue hair-short blonde, curved slightly

Filia: You created her, yet you don't even know her birthday? What, is it some big secret that could compromise your ninjas in the field?
Ranchan: Riddle me this, guess my birthday.
Havoc: I'm guessing she has no idea when Suikoden occurs.
Havoc: Which begs the question, why even put an entry for birthdate? Isn't age enough?
Filia: With the birthdate comes the zodiac sign. She didn't want to find out that her char might be incompatible with one of the 23 bishies of Suikoden.
Deep: Hell, it's not like we'd send her presents.
Filia: Not even a pipe bomb?
Deep: Tempting...
Havoc: Kinda sad that this character's greatest mystery so far can be resolved by counting back from the current date.
Filia: If there's one thing Final Fantasy Tactics taught me, besides pain and misery, it's that zodiac signs matter! Expect some big plot twist later involving her birthdate!

January eight, sol. 457

My grandfather was acting rather odd today, he gave me this rune, and then disappeared.

Havoc: So she DOES know the date! What the hell is wrong with her?!
Filia: Shouldn't you be trying to find him instead of commenting on it? Or are you trying for a position in the government?
Deep: Raise your hand if YOU would disappear if you were related to this twit? *All raise hands.*
Ranchan: Old age comes with great wisdom.

I have feeling that there is something strange about this rune. I got word from my Friend in who lives in Rockland that The liberation army forces have defeated The Golden Emperor, barbarosa, but that cant be true.

Deep: WTF?! Friend rates a capital letter but a proper name like Barbarosa doesn't?
Ranchan: Why doesn't said friend have a NAME?
Filia: Deep, abiding shame.
Ranchan: Golden emperor? He's not worth anything, unless he's Potch Emperor...then he would just be a banker..
Havoc: my capitalization Skills have also been on The fritz. I suspect this rune Has something to do with It.

I heard that they had a force of 18000 there, how is that possible that a ragtag group of soldiers can defeat Trained ones, I better ask my freind living in Rokaku about this.

Havoc: It's very possible if your 18,000 troops have mastered the ancient strategic art of rock-paper-scissors.
Filia: Because Yuber was leading the imperial army?
Deep: That explains everything.
Filia: Poor bastard can't even cow a Kobold, tsk tsk *shakes head*

I live in Saraday, so I don't get much information. Besides letters.

Filia: Sarady, isn't that the town with a maximum of 3 buildings? Then I guess we have the answer to so many of our questions about this char! Inbreeding!
Deep: It also explains her "friends". They're all pen pals. No one would like her if they actually MET her.
Havoc: So based on the average of 3-5 buildings, 10-15 cities and over 50,000 troops in the game... that's one thousand per household. Must be a hard dash to the bathroom every morning.
Filia: Shh, logic has no place in a video game, quit harshing our buzz...
Ranchan: It's always Saturday in Saraday!

I also Heard that from my last letter several months ago that the Liberation army Enlisted Four of the five great imperial Generals into their ranks, they are traitors I better ask my Freind in Rokaku that as well, I hope Kasumi is able to answer...

Filia: If you know the generals defected, why do you ask why the rebels won? Forgot to put on your thinking cap this morning?
Deep: That is the worst run-on I've ever seen.
Ranchan: This is like something from the Fox network.
Filia: And yet Again, we see Stupid, needless, Capitalization.
Havoc: Her writing style is much that of ten thousand monkeys at ten thousand typewriters, falling down ten thousand flights of stairs.

February first, sol. 457

This is just great My friend Living in Rokaku is now a part of the liberation army, as well as my other friends, Onil, Mina, and Sansuke, has this world gone to hell... maybe not, When kasumi wrote back to me, she said stuff about how Rokaku was destroyed by The Golden Emperor Barbarosa.

Deep: Head...hurts...must kill...writer.
Filia: Just a question, how many friends do you have? Would it be 108, per chance?
Deep: She has no friends, she ate them.
Ranchan: Damn I lost 50 dollars on the match with the Golden Emperor vs the village of Rokkaku.
Havoc: And if she gets 9,892 more, she can become a REAL girl!

She also wrote of Bizarre Happenings, They Disbanded and formed the Toran Republic.

Filia: Shouldn't they stay together in order to form the Toran Republic?
Deep: Who the hell is THEY? Does she mean the Torah Republic? Are they Jewish?
Havoc: Bizarre Happenings, They Disbanded would be a kickass name for a punk band.

She also Wrote of how a true rune started this whole war, and how she fell in love with the leader of the Liberation army, oh well, I guess its okay for her to visit me now, I better go meet her at the inn at mount. Tigerwolf.

Filia: <Girl> Now that She has a Date, I don't have to Worry about Her hitting on me Anymore.
Havoc: "She says he's really heroic and does all these great things, but he's really silent and has the nasty habit of walking into a random person's house and looting the place clean."
Deep: Now that she's in love with a hunted criminal who probably has a price on his head and an army after him, they can come for tea!

February ninth, sol 457

The Seventh was an odd day, I ran into this odd guy on my way to the inn, I accidently bumped into his right hand, and a huge explosion shook the area.

Deep: Gee, I wonder who THAT could be?
Ranchan: Mighty erection come forth!
Filia: Was he a terrorist about to throw a hand grenade on your pathetic little village?
Havoc: "By the way, did I mention I'm impervious to huge explosions? Must've slipped my mind!"
Deep: It's the orihalcon lingerie she's wearing.
Filia: That's gotta chafe...

When I looked at my hand, I saw a rune like scar on it, I better ask the guy when he wakes up, Oh, yah, Kasumi Found me and the Guy unconscious on the side of the road, I believe she said his name is Tir McDohl.

Deep: Actually, his name is Ronald McDonald and he rules the land of Big Mac.
Ranchan: McDohl, Tir McDohl, roadside bum and hero for hire.
Deep: Arrr...I be Tir McDohl of the Clan McDohl. In the end, there can be only one!
Filia: So his name is McD'oh! ?
Havoc: "I only mention that I woke up with the guy in a ditch because it's the 50th time. It's my silver anniversary!"

And he's the Leader of the liberation army, how? Sumi is so strong, while he looks like a...wimp.

Filia: Ahem. Tir McDohl could put you on a cracker, pour a little cream on you, and eat you for breakfast. Thank you.
Ranchan: Them be fighting words!

But, for the past two days shes been looking for his Recovery, apparently, the explosion affected him more then me.

Deep: Recovery was the name of his dog.
Filia: <Amelia> Sorry, I borrowed it when I sprained my ankle again after jumping down from the castle roof to show my Justice Skills to the palace guards. Here you go. *gives him back Recovery*
Ranchan: Damn it... send another bomb

I asked Kasumi to look at my hand, she says I have a True Rune. Yah, right, she says I have the sovereign rune. I have no idea what that is.

Filia: It's the One Rune to rule them all.
Havoc: She's gone and runed my appreciation of Suikoden.
Deep: Death is the only answer.
Filia: Our or hers?
Deep: Whichever that will make the hurting stop.
Filia: Death is our gift. To her. </Buffy>

Oh, Kasumi bragged along one of her friends today, her name is Jeane, she vary nice and all but, she needs more clothes.

Filia: Kasumi bragged so much about her friend the Retarded Sarady Girl that Jeane just HAD to come and see for herself?
Deep: Vary? Her nice level varies?

She wears vary little, she told me that the sovereign rune gives its bearer the power ti rule, Grandpa found it near the Castle at Gregminster.

Filia: He was looting the dead.
Deep: Oh, shit. The little moron is going to have godlike powers now?
Deep: Can I kill her NOW?
Filia: No.
Deep: Then, can I dig out my own eyes with spoons?

Oh well, who knows? I might be a great ruler one day Yah, right.

Havoc: Pass the spoon.
Filia: Luc, why are you wasting your time trying to destroy True Runes? Here's a much more expedient way of messing up fate beyond all recognition.
Deep: Oh, good. At least she Sees the Stupidity in putting herself on a Throne beyond the Toilet.
Ranchan: Because she's too big to fit IN the toilet?

February Tenth, sol 457

Yesterday night was funny, I heard Sumi Talking to The wimp, Tir, she was telling all sorts of odd stuff.

Filia: You're just too young too understand.
Deep: Okay, so one time, in band camp...

How she loved him, its all too odd to me, I may be a year younger then she is, but, I never felt this emotion called love before, maybe I should go out and go on adventure, and search for "love". That's all for now, ill write into you later

Filia: 'Write into you', is that some kind of slang for sex?
Deep: I think she's being disdainful of love.
Filia: Superiority complex, hmmm?
Filia: Yeah, the leader of 20,000 fighters and the bearer of the strongest rune in history is nothing but a wimp, after all.
Havoc: I remember the good old days, when all you had to do to find love was to go on an adventure. Of course, adventures only lead to massive amounts of treasure, but by then you've long forgotten about love, so it's all good!
Deep: THAT'S the way it was and we LIKED it!

Letters from the heart

February eleventh. Sol 457

The Guy woke up today, he's odd, people say he's a loud ten foot barbarian, some day he's a mindless killer, but, he's quiet, he's no taller then Kasumi, but a bit shorter then Jeane, But the thing that really gets me are his eyes, they don't look evil, the attract people to him, They look... Kind.

Filia: *goes on potty break* Tell me when the sentence is over, ok?
Deep: I feel like all of a sudden I'm trapped in a crappy romance novel.
Havoc: She's bustin' some rhymes, yo!
Filia: I somehow have a hard time picturing Tir looking like Grignr.
Deep: Hey, if a guy can't give me flying feet of blinding steel, I'm not interested.

I think I know why Kasumi loves this man now. I took a look at his hand, I saw this odd Runic scar, its like a figure holding a scythe, When I asked him about it he told me that it was the cause of war, death and malice, it's the soul eater.

Filia: ...But can you find Gogo in it? Oh, wait, Soul Eater, not Zone Eater...
Deep: Nope, no Gogo. Maybe Waldo's in there...
Havoc: o/~ woh oh, here he comes... watch out girl, he'll chew you up! woh oh here he comes... he's a soul eater! o/~
Deep: <Soul eater> *eats writer's soul* URRRRRRRRRRRP

We invited over to my house for dinner, but he declined, and so did Kasumi and Jeane. What's going on?

Filia: They've got this embarrassing bowel problem, y'see...
Deep: No one likes you. Time to hang yourself.
Deep: And who is this "we" does she have different personalities or something?
Ranchan: They might just get food poisoning.
Deep: Trying to swallow everything this chick says would make anyone nauseous.

Tir told me before he left that, I am a holder of a true rune, and that I might change the world some day, who knows....

Filia: I guess it's better than being the holder of a winning lottery ticket, which doesn't change the world, but...
Deep: Who knows and who cares?
Ranchan: I stopped caring after the title.

March first, Sol 457

I haven't much time, I must leave after I finish writing this entry, My House is under attack by some people, lead by a man named kannan, he says that a true rune should not be in the hands of a child, my god, what have I got my self into....

Filia: <God> Deep shit. Serves you right.
Deep: Oh, goody. You're going to take time to write in your damn diary when you should be running for your life. You deserve death.
Filia: How did he know she had the rune anyway? Read it in Rune Monthly Magazine?
Deep: Her so-called "friends" are ratting her ass out.
Filia: Can you blame them?

March third, Sol 457

I met these guys on the road today, one was an exceptionally large man with a large sword, which talks!

Filia: But did it sing? That's the question.
Deep: <Sword> I love to sing-a, about the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a. About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a.
Ranchan: Wow, a talking sword, very handy on long trips.

The sword also has the same personality as the big man, who calls himself Viktor, and as for the other guy, he wore a lot of blue, and his sword is named, which obviously means that he's from the warrior's village I have heard much about from Kasumi.

Filia: So Flik named his Li'l Flik, huh......
Filia: Why am I not surprised at Viktor having the same personality as his wiener....oh wait, a real sword...and why am I insulting Viktor, I love the guy.
Ranchan: A lot of blue? he must be in the happy happist cult</Earthbound>
Havoc: It would be a cunning plan to name your sword, then commit heinous crimes! Everyone would look to the warrior's village for answers, the fools! And you'd be long gone!

They were both pretty banged up, so I took them to the nearest city which was Kirov.

Filia: Ok, I may be wrong cause it's been a few months since I played the game, but isn't Kirov on the other side of a lake? And a mountain range?
Havoc: And there's about 2500 monsters on the way there.
Ranchan: May her journey be like Thomas wandering in the open fields by himself.
Deep: That was decent sentence structure for her.

After I got them into an inn, they told me what happened, emperor Barbarosa Turned into a three headed serpent, and they had to defeat him, after he was killed, Babarosa took his own life, as well as the court magician's, Windy's, life, they said Barbarosa's rune was the sovereign rune.

Filia: Ok, so he committed suicide after getting killed? Makes sense. *nods*
Deep: I thought geek girl's rune was the sovereign rune.
Filia: Then scroll up.
Deep: Nah, I don't care enought to check.
Havoc: Looks like the ten thousand monkeys ran back up the stairs for another go.
Deep: They're former crack monkeys, escaped from a science lab, aren't they?
Ranchan: Do they still get the experience points for killing Barbarosa?

my Grandpa was in Gregminster That day and he heard a loud scream come from the castle, he saw Barbarosa and Windy fall from the Royal Gardens, and fell into oblivion.

Ranchan: Now they are free from this godawful fic, lucky bastards.
Filia: What was he doing lurking beneath the Royal Gardens behind the palace? Looking for a way in, maybe, hmmmm??
Deep: Time to loot and plunder!
Ranchan: So Grampa disappeared so he could rob the castle without having this girl yapping at him all the time? Genius.
Havoc: The following proprietors of Gregminster later decided to have oblivion moved out from under the garden balcony.
Ranchan: Oblivion is a new ride at Alton Towers in Staffordshire..

Then he saw the rune extract itself from the emperor's hand, and he took it, that's probably what happend...

Filia: <Grandpa> Err, yeah, that's what happened....it extracted itself.
Havoc: <Grandpa> *hides trophy of hand on wall next to deer & bear heads*
Ranchan: Grandpa like shinies!
Deep: Y'know, I'm not drunk enough to handle this fic.
Filia: Do you have enough to share?

I told them my story, and they swore that they will kill kannon, I dissuaded them, but they left without me, I guess im now a wanderer.

Filia: You can't kill a boddhisattva. Unless you mean that KANNAN (Kanaan?) guy you were talking about earlier?
Havoc: <Viktor> Dude, that 'we'll kill kannan!' bit was priceless. <Flik> Well, it got us the hell away from that freak. Let's grab a burger.
Deep: I'm surprised they didn't leave her ass the first time she opened her yap.

April Sixth, Sol 457

I went to the fortress of Lormair today, I saw this one Guy, I think his name was Kirke, he was Giving this one women his Weapon, I assume that the women was Lorelai.

Ranchan: I read this one fic and I think it sucks.
Filia: <Girl> *picks up Suikoden 1 Strategy Guide* A guy giving his weapon to a girl...That would be....Kirke and Lorelai. Goody! *puts little checkmarks next to their names* Soon I'll have all 108!!
Havoc: <Grandpa> Now remember, whenever a man gives a woman his weapon, chances are, she's named Lorelai.
Filia: I call no phallic jokes about Kirke handing over his "weapon" to Lorelai.
Deep: JUST this once.

Well, I continued waling to the warrior's village where I saw Hix and Tengaar, one of my other Liberation army freinds, oh, I get it!

Deep: I'm the idiotic star of a badly plotted inane piece of shit with no grammar!
Filia: I could make so many jokes about this sentence, I don't know where to start!
Deep: Waling?
Filia: Wailing?
Ranchan: Whining.
Havoc: Good call.

Most of my friends in the liberation army because of the one time I had to go there, he he, I dident know that the fortress of Toran was the HQ for the liberation army. That explains a lot.

Filia: Yes, it does explain a lot.
Deep: What?! That doesn't explain anything? Didn't she say at the beginning of the fic that the Liberation Army wasn't a good idea? WTF???
Filia: Sleep.
Deep: Zzzzzz...
Ranchan: Target sighted, prepare big-ass rock.
Filia: So...everything bad that happens in this world, especially this fic is this girl's fault.
Ranchan: Please say someone kills her.
Filia: No such luck.

Anyways, Tengaar introduced me to Hix, a real oddball, he looks weak, but seems strong, On my way out, Tengaaar welcomed me to saty at her house, which I agreed to.

Filia: Isn't sati that indian ritual where the widow is burned on her husband's funeral pyre? Then by all means, go nuts!
Deep: Hix sounds a lot like Kix, the breakfast cereal. He's weak but strong, ugly yet gorgeous, charming yet...
Filia: Back to sleep.
Deep: Zzzzzz...
Havoc: Tengaaaar! Tengaaaaaar!

Then, I saw this one guy, a REAL oddball, he goes by the name Crowly, I heard from Mina that he has over one hundred runes, well he looks one hundred years old!

Filia: You really should consider a career as a stand-up comic, you know that?
Ranchan: So does he get one rune for each of his birthday?
Deep: So what would be the point of being a FAKE oddball.
Filia: She's rather critical. Ever notice the only people who rate more than a mention are the people she looks down on? Never her "friends".
Ranchan: You mean "freinds"

April Tenth. Sol 457

I got back to Aneti where I spent the night, I met with this one guy named Clive, he has the odd weapon called a gun, it is accurate and deadly.

Ranchan: Webster the dictionary says so!
Filia: I hate to burst your painstaking research on this game, but Clive hangs out in Rikon, not *Antei*
Deep: <Clive> Let me show you how it works. Stand over there and close your eyes. <Stupid girl> SURE!

He asked me if I saw this one women, I don't remember what she was named, but he wants to kill her for some reason.

Filia: He wants the insurance money.
Ranchan: Is her name Lorelai?

While Clive and I were talking, I heard a loud man nearly yelling, Vincent de boule. Really odd character. He says he's rich, but, I suspect thats he's a poor man who somehow got a rich man's clothes. Idiot.

Havoc: <Pot> Kettle, you are SO black!
Deep: Ah...the pimp of Suikoden has arrived.
Filia: Neechan, Vincent isn't a pimp.
Deep: I know a pimp when I see one! Look at that hat!
Filia: ...
Ranchan: Everyone's odd these days!
Deep: How much you want to bet she just looked up synonyms for weird in the dictionary?
Filia: She stopped at the first.

I met up with Kasumi again, she grew her hair out a bit, she looks better now, she said she couldn't stop Tir from leaving.

Filia: That's quite a mid-sentence punch. "I lost twenty pounds, I look so much better now, my mom's dead."
Deep: <Tir> I er...just went out for some milk and eggs...yeah, that's it. I wasn't trying to escape your cloying personality or anything...

I feel sorry for her, losing her love, when I said that, she got all red and yelled she didn't liked him. She then left at midday. Not much more for now....

Havoc: Heartbreaks always turn people communist.
Deep: She's slowly driving all her friends away, like the remainder of this audience.
Filia: You mean the audience members whose attention spans haven't run out yet?
Ranchan: *looking up from a GBA* Huh?

Editor's note, The poem n this page is also seen on my website, cernais44.tripod.com , I just needed a way to post this where it will be seen easier

Ranchan: Cernais44, the only ketchup that you shouldn't use.
Deep: So now we know where to go and post a bunch of spam on his/her guestbook
Filia: Poems are the devil. They make me want to throw up. Get burninated! (Haiku by Filia)
Deep: Burninated is not a real word.
Filia: :PPPPP

February 30th, sol 457

Ahhh!!! I'm lost! I entered this Forest, from a forest town, and, well, im lost, and I need help, well, insted of focusing on this, I think ill write something worth while.

Filia: All in favor of skipping boring poem?
Deep: Aye!
Ranchan: Oh god yes!
Deep: <Girl> I won't worry that creatures in the forest might eat me or I'll be attacked by horny Rangers! I'll write treacly poetry!

        Learn in love, and your heart will grow
Learn in your heart, and your soul will be found
        Learn in soul, and your body is free
Learn in body, to see humility
        Learn in humility to arrive in safety
Learn in safety to happen upon danger
        Learn in danger to discover your true life
Learn in your true life to see what is incorrect
        Learn in incorrectness to see what is correct
Learn in correctness to see fate
        Learn in fate to find Love
Learn in Love and your heart will grow

How's that? Arrgh, im Bored..... oh well...

Filia: Thank you for this pointless interlude. And now, back to our regular programming of fangirlish antics.
Deep: Bored? Join the club, bitch.
Ranchan: Sign me up Deep!

March 2ed, sol 457

Ha ha! Im safe! This girl named Viki appeared right in front of me after I got done eating yesterday, and she teleported me to The village of the elves, I needed a traveling buddy so I asked if she would like to join me, luckily, she agreed.

Filia: HAHAHAHAHAHA you're a fuggin' moron.
Deep: HAHAHAHAHA, you're DOOOMED!
Ranchan: Yay!
Ranchan: *sings the Doom song*
Havoc: Viki: . o O (Dear god, I've finally found someone dumber than I am!)

As we arrived at the Village, we were greeted with praise, it turns out that we were the first visitors to the newly built city.

Filia: Ok, now when you say "praise", what you really mean is "pitchforks", right? I mean, they start with the same letter, it's so easy to get confused....
Deep: <Townspeople> Burn the witches! BUUUUUURN them!
Filia: Even better, burninate them. This way we KNOW at least one of them is never coming back.
Filia: <Viki> I can teleport to safety, sucka! *blink*
Deep: <Viki> *teleports in the midst of a bonfire* Dammit...

I talked with the chief there, who was named Kirkis something, it's a vary long name!! Well, as we left, we were greeted by a young girl, named Arah, a young elf girl, who wanted to join us, well, how could I refuse?

Filia: Try putting an 'o' after an 'n', I hear it works.
Ranchan: Poor elf girl, she doesn't know what she's getting into...
Filia: Your taste in party members is simply appalling. Common sense dictates that Viki must not be allowed to get within a hundred feet of you, and who'd want a little pussy elf in a party? They get cut down like firewood before Christmas, it's not even funny.
Havoc: What exactly is she joining? A girl walking around pointlessly?
Filia: Maybe it's a new franchise of Across?
Deep: Ooooh! Who's Excel, who's Hyatt and who's Ilpallazzo?
Filia: I don't want to insult any of them ;_;
Ranchan: Is Menchi a recovery item?

She is taller then I am by three inches, and has the softest white hair.

Filia: <insert joke about pussy elf shampoo>

We left to go visit the Kobold village, which was not too far away. But then, something happened, my rune started to glow, sorta like that when I bumped into Tir a while ago. It began to glow more and more as this guy wearing black armor walked passed us, then it dissipated.

Filia: I think we can pinpoint the exact moment when Yuber's pathetic wussification started, that is when he walked by and didn't kill that girl. I am so disappointed in you, Mister I-have-a-True-Rune-and-all-I-can-do-with-it-is-a-sentai-routine.
Deep: Yup, instant pussification.
Havoc: Damn you, ber.
Filia: Which brings me to wonder, where ARE all the knife-wielding maniacs that prey on defenseless little teenage girls? I keep hearing about them, but I never see them where they really matter.
Deep: Maybe that's her power, to turn potentially cool characters into candy asses.
Filia: So it's her fault then that I beat up Yuber's unit in Suikoden 2? I knew it!
Ranchan: I see that man's future, he is planning to trade his strong armor for clothes with no defense.
Filia: Poor misled soul. At least he should get a hat.

As we arived at the Kobald village. Where we met this freak Psymerga, Who looked just like the man we just passed, freaky.

Filia: Psymerga! The Psychic Warrior with the Psychic Armor--blah, I can't even finish that joke.
Filia: At least she had the decency not to count Pesmerga among her friends.
Deep: From odd to freaky...it's progress. I guess.

March 4th, sol 457

Well, not much happened today, since Viki got sick, so we have to stay at this place for a while.

Filia: What...it's 'that time of the month' and she can't use her teleport magic?
Deep: *mystified* Looks like. Ever notice that that only happened ONCE in Slayers and it never came up again?
Filia: Maybe by then Lina's magical level was so high she could control her periods.
Deep: Damn good use for a power, if I've ever heard of one.

Well, Arah is off talking to friends from this village, and a guys pet got lost, thats about the highlight of my day.

Deep: Then I'd say your day was a piss-poor waste of a day and fifteen seconds I'll never get again for reading about it.
Filia: My favorite part was when the pet got lost. You could really feel the drama and heartbreak of it all.

March 8th, sol 457

Today was fine at best, While we were in the great forest, we were attacked bu this one person, I think her name was Blust, she was quite scary, she had a grotesque look on her face, but, she was not that strong.

Ranchan: You can tell if they're strong or not by the look on their face?
Deep: It must be very humiliating to be defeated by a character with no apparent use or skills.
Ranchan: She quite literally killed her opponent with stupidity.
Filia: This story needs more random encounters.
Havoc: When Grotesque Scary Weaklings Attack, next on Fox Wilderness.

She wanted my rune for her own selfish purpose.

Filia: *gasp* That.....scumbag! Why....! How could she.... Why didn't she kill you? T_T
Havoc: Whereas YOU just want it to annoy the hell out of everyone who comes across you.
Ranchan: Amen.

But, Arah had a special spell that annihilate any remains of Blust, and my scythe was hungry...

Filia: I think my spleen just burst from all this laughing I just did right now.
Deep: You know what this story needs?
Ranchan: Sword-chucks?
Filia: Stabbity death.
Filia: <Girl> *goes into a pet shop* I'd like a bag of scythe food, please. <Clerk> *puts bag on counter* Here you go.

besides magic, arah specializes in her Long bow, what's odd about it, is that is silver, even though its not made from silver.

Filia: That's called silver paint, dearie.
Deep: Is there any way we can ditch this story and use the remainder to wrap fish guts in.
Filia: Nope.
Deep: Damn...

Viki has a staff as a weopen which is that useful, but she has the best magic around.

Filia: You're a nutcase and will die horribly squished under Viki when she misses her next spell.
Havoc: I can think of no death more fitting than one due to a horrible, painful mistake.
Deep: Are we done yet?
Filia: No.
Ranchan: Are we done yet?
Filia: NO.
Havoc: Are we done YET?
Filia: If you don't stop, I'm going to turn this fic around and we'll all start from the beginning.
All: *groan*

Well, besides that little incursion, today was fine. After we exited the Forest, we went to the castle of Toran, it looks bigger then the last time I went there, we were greeted by a kid named Qlon, quite a lively kid, and two guys named kamondol and Gen, they were working a new type of boat, I'd rather not ask.

Ranchan: One day they will make a boat that will sail on long strips of things called "Roads".
Deep: <Girl> Because boats are boring and I'm too stupid to understand anyway.
Filia: Is 'working on a new type of boat' some sort of euphemism for yaoi now?
Deep: For a girl who had to write to faraway cities for friends, she sure gets around.
Filia: If her town had been destroyed earlier, she might have made more of an effort to make new friends to annoy.

Were staying at the castle over night, and our rooms aren't half bad either.

Filia: <Gremio> *sleeping on the roof* Bitches...They'd better not dirty those sheets! <Tir> ........ <Gremio> You're absolutely right, Young Master! It IS shorter because of the cold!
Deep: "They were right next to a pig sty, a step up for me."
Ranchan: She's staying over night in a lot of places, I guess that's her method of finding 'love'.
Filia: Well, since everyone who encounters her becomes a pussy, she can persuade anyone she meets to do what she says and walk right into a castle to take up residence.

March 9th, Sol 457

Nothing in particular happend to day, besides we met Kage and Fuma. All day I slept so, not much to really write on...

Filia: Yeah, what's so unusual about meeting ninja? That reminds me, I gotta feed those I keep under my bed.
Ranchan: Freddy Kruger would be a hero right now.

March 20 , sol 457

Sorry I haven't written much in the last several days, I got sick with a form of the cold, (in real life as well!!!)

Filia: Real life? What is this 'real life'? Are you saying your life isn't real?
Ranchan: Blame Viki.
Filia: Does that mean Viki=Canada?
Deep: She's not even a real character, anyway...

This old guy approached me at the Human village near the great forest, he was mumbling 'tomorrow never dies, always remember that...', odd person.

Filia: Would that be James Bond's geriatric alter-ego?
Deep: Or John Cleese.

Well, we made our way back to the Toran castle, only to see bright lights and bangs. We ran to the nearest boat and rode to the castle, there we saw Qlon on the ground, bleeding, Arah took care of him, While Viki and I looked around the castle to see what was happening.

Ranchan: Boat with wheels! Bastard stole my idea!
Filia: It's a demonic contraption! Let's burninate it!
Deep: A live action D&D game gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Havoc: She writes so matter-of-factly about pain and suffering. It's a vivid allegory for what she puts her readers through.
Deep: She's indifferent to good grammar, spelling, and the suffering of others. Not to mention disregard of Suikoden's basic FACTS.
Ranchan: If this was a live action D&D, I would love to see one of them buy a warship and carry it around in the desert

Then, behind us, a Guy with this odd stick came behind us, his stick was a 'gun', at least that's what he said, the Guy had Pitch back hair, as well as Black eyes.

Ranchan: You've seen what a gun looks like, you should know what it was!

I only know of one person with a 'gun' and that's Clive, but he's gone. .

Filia: And he has blond hair, etc etc....
Deep: Far away from your boring ass into the arms of a REAL woman. With a brain. And emotions. And a basic grasp of grammar.

The guy pulled the trigger, because he said we knew too much, but Viki teleported us out of sight, we landed behind him, and I took his head.

Deep:...and traded it for some magic beans.
Filia: You don't know what a gun is, but you know what a trigger is. How droll.

Inside of his neck, we saw this odd stone, not a rune, but something odd. Viki told me that is was a Chrysalis, it began to hatch and out came a tiny insect like organism, it looked freaky, then it died. What the hell is going on?

Filia: Dammit, my game merged with Silence of the Lambs again! *resets and starts a new game*
Deep: We're all losing IQ just reading this dreck.
Deep: Freaky yet again. Stupid girl learned a new word. OH, and she used odd again.
Ranchan: 150 points for the person that catches the Golden Snitch.

March 22ed, sol 457

My god, we went to the local town of Koyan, we say people fighting these...things, they looked like they were heavily mutated humans, there were like, 500, we took out about 200 of em, but we could not hold them off.

Ranchan: That's a nice even number.
Filia: Gross misspelling of Kouan notwithstanding, are you saying you, your pet elf and your incompetent twit wizard took out 200 of them?
Havoc: I hope she gained at least a level for this.
Deep: Stupidity must be the ultimate weapon in this world.
Ranchan: Stupidity is a combo attack for the group.
Deep: So...their powers combine to summon Captain Moron?
Filia: Captain Moron is already leading them.

Then, the old man from the Village near the great forest came, and killed them all with one swing of his stick.

Filia: Sure he did. Just one stick and a heart full of love for Justice! Oh, and several kegs of dynamite.
Deep: Was it Teddy Roosevelt?
Ranchan: Speak softly and carry a big stick. And use it.

Inside each of them was a Chrysalis, like the one in the castle. The old man then transformed into a women, that looked like, a beast, but, she spoke with an odd accent.

Filia: Oh!! I know! That was actually Stupid Girl's Fairy Godmother!!
Ranchan: Will the Fairy Godmother dress her up and send her to hell?
Filia: No, but mine may if I beg her enough.

Like this, 'Howdy ya'll, surprised? I gues ya'll probably are' she had short blonde hair, and elf-like ears, but she also had fur, brown fur.

Filia: So cuffs and collar don't match?
Deep: *rimshot*
Deep: That is the crappiest Southern accent EVER. I'm insulted.
Havoc: Sounds like the chrysalis inside the author's head is trying to break free, too.

She explained that she is named Messa Kell. And that the insects were formed from a queen insect, she continued to say that they have been in this world for over 1000 years, but has just manifested themselfs now, and that each city was infested.

Filia: I can't come up with anything....I think the author's Stupidity Combo killed my brain.
Ranchan: Did Jar Jar Binks name her?
Deep: I see. The queen was waiting until the human population was inbred enough to make conquering them easier.

While we were talking, person, no older then I, came in, inspecting each body, his name was Maas. He told us that the city of Gregminster was under attack by these organism.

Havoc: This paragraph typed to the tune of M.C. Hammer's greatest hits.
Filia: Again, I feel compelled to point out the gross misuse of characters in this fic. Maas is a blacksmith. Not a doctor. Metal. Not flesh.
Deep: Maybe Maas was looting the bodies.
Deep: Again, we see the author's heartless indifference to the suffering of others.
Filia: Well, if you put it another way, they got the easy way out of this story. I kinda envy them :-/

Well, you guessed it, we had to go there, but it was a 5 day journey, so, we had Viki teleport us there. We landed at the entrance, where we saw Cleo, Milich Oppenhimer, Cammillie, Clive, Tir, Gremio, and about eight hundred others fighting.

Filia: <Maas> I never heard of you before and you look like a kid, but you must come to Gregminster and help us! We're only eight hundred, comprising the biggest heroes of the Gate Rune Wars, we can't fight them off!
Deep: Sounds like the Jedis and clones fighting during Episode II.
Ranchan: Yeah, but this is a sucky fanfic, so seeing Yoda in a kickass lightsaber battle again is out of the question.
Ranchan: Yoda vs Yuber.
Filia: It's so obvious Yoda would win, where's the challenge? Yuber would lose pathetically, claim that Yoda cheated and used the force to beat him, then go snivel in a corner, summoning random monsters.
Deep: <Yoda> Mmmmm...won I have. My bitch you are now...mmmmm.
Deep: I think the Care Bear Stare would be more effective than this stupid twit.

We ran into the city, with blades unsheathed, we kept on fighting for four hours, it never let up. Until, Messa, came into the town and took out her double, chain connected scythe and killed them all within five minutes.

Filia: Scythe-chucks?
Deep: I think we have Fighter Fan here
Filia: Birds of a feather.....
Deep: And you gotta love how an epic battle with so much dramatic build-up is settled in minutes.
Havoc: That's because of the Deus ex machina. "Deus" meaning "irritating" and "ex machina" meaning "plot device".
Ranchan: The sooner the battle's over the closer we are to the end of this.
Filia: And to think we complained about Sephiroth and his Hot Pocket obsession.

We took count of the dead and wounded, we had killed about 10000 Citizens, including General Milich Oppenhimer. (Are you happy now? He's dead! Lets all cheer! ~the author) and we lost 658 people.

Filia: Wait...Were you fighting for or against Gregminster? <Stupid Girl> .......Whoopsie-daisy.
Deep: It was a mercy killing. They were all doomed to die when those things hatched anyway and fed on their corpses.
Ranchan: Really?
Deep: I don't care anymore...
Ranchan: 3 died in battle, 655 died of boredom.

It was horrible, the only standing building was the palace, there we took our refuge. Tir told us that he had arrived eighteen hours ago, and that's when the fighting began.

Deep: This is the second town to be destroyed because she was in the vicinity. I vote for hot, burning death.

He got separated from Kasumi in the hills, where she left in order to get food. Ill write more on this tomorrow.

Filia: What more is there to write? Her grocery list?
Deep: Ill write? Like writing this shit is making US ill?
Filia: That's not up to your usual standards, neechan.
Deep: I know, it's this fic. It's like kryptonite to my imagination.

March 23ed, sol 457

My god, these beasts are called Tempests, and that they feed off our souls. That's why tir is under attack, so it is now out job to protect him.

Ranchan: Because he got lotsa soul?
Filia: Because obviously, a rune with power over life and death isn't enough to protect him.
Deep: So the name of the enemy was stolen from a Shakespeare play?
Filia: Damn, can this girl do ANYTHING original?
Ranchan/Havoc: NO.

After we had a breakfast of.....meat, Fuma, Kage, and Kasumi arrived to report.

Filia: Mmm, ninja breakfast.
Ranchan: Yum, Fuma and Kage, NINJA MEAT!
Havoc: <Ninja Trio> We would like to report that you are puerile. Leave at once.

Apparently, large amounts of these appeared at the warror's village, saraday, Lormair, Anetai, the village of the elves, and the forest village.

Filia: Did you play this game? You misspelled every town name. It's a wonder your character manages to find her way around at all.

The warrior's village has it contained, as well as Lormair, and the elves village, but the rest have been taken over, but the 108 stars of destiny escaped and are now traveling here. I figured it out. Every town I've been to has been attacked.

Filia: Wow, neechan was right!
Deep: *blinkblink* Wow, that's a first...

I took a look at my right hand, I saw that a small bug was inside it. Arah took a look at it and knew what it was, it was called the 'restoration' a bug that is the opposite of the one that is inside the Chrysalis. But, it can only be formed after exposure to power, corruption, transformation, and confession in that order.

Deep: An antidote! How convenient for YOU.
Filia: If it's exposed to all these things in the reverse order, what happens? Mothra comes out?
Deep: <Mothra> Hey, don't drag ME into this crap.
Havoc: "Wait everybody, we're saved! I have a plot device in my right hand!"
Filia: <Stupid Girl> We can now win! Awright! *clenches fist* ....Oh, butternuts.

And that it can only live in a rune. And it brings out the Chrysalis bug. That explains a lot. We took a brake today to regain our power, then, Clive came in, and collapsed.

Filia: <Clive> Who's the $%&*&?#@* who took the brakes from my car?? *dies*

March 24th, sol 457

Clive woke up at noon, and told us grim news, great armies were following the 100 stars, and that the armies looked possessed and mutated. And that every city was overrun.

Ranchan: Disney is building another theme park.
Filia: Round numbers are nice, but not when you're talking about the 108 stars of destiny. Unless 8 of 'em died.
Havoc: I really wanna see how she can wrap this up.
Filia: Raid comes to mind as convenient way out of this critical situation!

Then, each of the stars arrived, followed each by 200 civilians, dully armed.

Filia: Maybe they should get Maas or whomever to sharpen their weapons first......
Deep: <Civilians> Ooo eee ooo eeeooooo. Oooo eeee ooo eeeooooo....</Oz>

Tir ordered each of the 5 maces to create armor and weaponry for each of the people, from Dragon breath, supplied from Joshua, Milia, and 2 other dragon knights who arrived In order to defend. We will wait, for death....

Filia: Blessed, blessed death ¤_¤
Ranchan: What kind of diary is this? Where's the juicy gossip about boys?!
Havoc: That's right, this is a diary. If she's written this, then she has to survive. God damn it!
Filia: There's always the slim chance that her ill-fated spirit is being summoned by a channeler who wanted to tell her story to the children of the world as a cautionary example. But I know that will never be anything more than a dream within a dream ;_;
Deep: Not necessarily. Anne Frank's was published after her death. There's still hope she's rotting in an unmarked grave!
Ranchan/Havoc: o.0
Filia: That's right, think positive!

March 25th, sol 457

Messa, this morning, gave a speech, it read like so, 'Today, you might die!

Filia: 'Read'?
Ranchan: Inspiration!
Filia: On the plus side, yay, death!
Havoc: <Everybody Else> That's right, she might! HOORAY!
Deep: Is there a way to escape from this fic alive?
Filia: No one's found it yet...

The approaching army is three times the size of the one defending gregminster. Today, you will die, but, under great leadership, you will die a great death!

Filia: <Soldier> I don't wanna die for this bitch T_T
Deep: <Soldier #2> Is it too late to mutiny?
Havoc: <Soldier #3> Being a mutant ain't so bad, once you look at it!
Filia: <Soldier 4> I liked Yuber better! Let's get Yuber back as a general!
Filia: <Yuber> Muwahaha, my plan worked perfectly! THAT's why I let her live! FUHAHAHAHA!
Ranchan: Under Bush leadership, we will die pathetically.

We must not let tomorrow die! We will not faulter!, we will not Flee! We will not flee! We shall be victories!!' now, I am nervous....

Filia: <Army of Shinjis> We mustn't run away!
Deep: Worst pep-talk EVER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~author's note..... I really want to somehow illustrate the battle, so the next chapter will be in the third person...

Filia: How about making a little diagram with stick figures and numbers to indicate how many died? Faster for you AND for us!
Ranchan: Are you planning to do a football play diagram?
Filia: <Author> Tir, you go there! Krin, you get killed! Stupid Girl, you take down 200 enemies! Viki, you teleport a bunch of ninja into the battle!
Havoc: There's another CHAPTER?
Filia: Yeah, but it's not out yet. Fates willing, it will never happen.
Ranchan: If we find all 108 characters, will the extra scenerio be the author's POV?
Deep: Gotta find 'em all...it's like Pokemon.
Deep: I need a drink to wash the bad taste away.
Havoc: Let's say it ends here. She died in battle stupidly, the rest of the diary was never written. The end! Everyone's happy!
Filia: Works for me! *erases the past 6 hours out of her mind*
Deep: Yay!!! Who's up for booze and Get Backers?
Filia: Oooh, yeah, Get Backers, another thing that was sadly missing from this story. Akabane could teach hat manners to Yuber, not to mention kill a lot of (extra) people.
Deep: As long as Stupid Girl died first.
Ranchan: I need therapy after this...
Filia: But wait, there's supposed to be romance in this....so let's say, umm, after meeting Stupid Girl, Tir realized how cool Kasumi was and how good she was to put up with her. He then married her and they lived happily ever after.
Deep: The End.

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