The lights open to a rather strange scenery. Chrissy and Frank are engrossed in fighting to the death over a gameboy King of Fighters game, regularly throwing insults and death threats and yo mamas at each other. Cinnie's doodling in a corner and getting glares green with envy from Filia, who's still trying to figure out how to hold her stylus. Deep Sea Dolphin is making another doll, and by the sheer size and length of the needles strewn around her, it's a voodoo doll this time, identity unconfirmed. HavocHQ is by the microwave, making some popcorn. Obviously, he expects the whole thing to be really enjoyable and appears to be in top shape. He, Chrissy and Frank all have their Cloud shirts on. Filia taped her Cloud plushie to her shoulder so it wouldn't fall off and brought along a big Tonberry plushie 'because it could benefit from learning what true evil is'. Whatever. At any rate, from the onset, things are already looking fairly grim for the author. Havoc walks over cheerfully, carrying a big bowl of popcorn, which he sets down on the floor, as everyone scoots over and gets ready to dismember. With unnecessary theatrics, Filia whips out a copy of the infamous piece of 'writing' they have to humiliate this time. Frank takes a good long look at it, a puzzled look on his face.
Frank: Dude, it's in Al Bhed!
Filia: No it's not.
Havoc: You know, it's funny, cause the same thing went through my mind.
Cinnie: ....I know I'm gonna love this about as much as I love having my teeth drilled.
Chrissy: *nodnod*
DSD: Well, too late, here we go!
Ok ok ok! I finally got dis great idea! Ok so I found it somewhere but it inspired me 2 make dis ficcy!!!!! I don't take ne credit 4 makin up dis wonderful thingy. um, I just got in da mood 2 rite a fic bout dis. *falls 2 her knees begging* plz no hard feelings!
Chrissy: ....Quite the ringing endorsement of your own writing.
Frank: ...Sweet mother of God, it even starts OUT good.
Havoc: Ph33r my l4ck 0f v0c4bularyz
Chrissy: ...I'll keep whatever hard feelings I damn well want.
DSD: Why the hell is she writing in a Cajun accent?
Filia: I thought that was just Retardspeech
Frank: No, it's "I'm too lazy to learn to type" speech
Havoc: Falling to her knees already? Tsk tsk tsk, get the money *first*, *then* drop to your knees. Amateur.
I got dis idea from: Taa-daa! http://www.brunching.com/toys/toy-chooseharry.html ^^ it's a hilarious site, u guys! u all should go check it out. um I think da original thingy was by David Neilsen
Filia: By "got dis idea", I believe you mean "cut n' pasted dis".
Chrissy: I wonder if she realizes that was a blatant parody made to mock the series?
Frank: Creativity be damned! I can LEFT KLIK GUD!!!
Havoc: Well, I'm convinced. This thing gets my 2002 Best Fanfic Based on a Game Crossovered to a Parody of an HTML Feature Based on a Novel Award.
*sighs* all ff7 charas belong 2 their respective Squaresoft people.
Filia: Ok, so who belongs to Yoshitaka Amano and who belongs to Nobuo Uematsu?
Chrissy: ...Don't forget Tetsuya Nomura, the guy who DESIGNED them.
Filia: How frightfully shameful of me.
Havoc: What's with the sigh? Is she getting tired already? But we're only at the first hundred spelling mistakes!
Chrissy: I think she's sighing because she can't use them and pass them off as original characters that she made up.
Frank: What? FF7 is Squaresoft? Why must these disclaimers confuse and infuriate me?!
Harry Potter and co are property of JK Rowling.
DSD: ...Who is planning to hunt this girl down and use her as a chew toy for Fluffy...
Havoc: <JK Rowling> Hear that Harry? JK owns your ass! Bend over! Roll! Give mama fifty million dollars in gross revenues! Good boy!
Filia: <JK Rowling> Get off my property! Damn kids!
I could never own things such as dis!
Frank: I'll dis you.. Oh wait. I am.
DSD: Because you have the IQ of a rubber ball.
Chrissy: Not with those grammar skills, you couldn't. Go back to 6th-grade English where you came from.
DSD: I think you're giving her more credit than she deserves, Chrissy.
Havoc: Hell, she apparently can't even own a decent dictionary.
Chrissy: Tee hee.
Filia: Are you sure you don't want to spell it "thingz"? I mean...
Frank: You mean 'Tingz' right?
Filia: ...So I'm too smart to misspell it properly. Sue me.
Frank: You mean like all these people should do to this author?
So. have fun and r&r! oocness galore ^^ (dats my trademark lol)
Frank: You're a retard lol
Filia: And she's proud of it. Hang your head in shame, foolish woman.
Chrissy: ....So why not write a story about a bunch of frolicking gay guys without having to label them as already existing characters?
Havoc: Stupidity can be trademarked? Hot damn!
DSD: Just think of all the money we've missed out on over the years!
Chrissy: If someone owned the trademark of stupidity, just think: WE COULD SUE ANYONE FOR VIOLATING A TRADEMARK!
Filia: <Author> Wow! I cood get rich wit dis!
We'll just have our own damn Harry Potter adventure!
Havoc: And I'll just have my own damn lobotomy.
Cinnie: ..Huh?
Chrissy: ...What Cinnie said.
Frank: ...Gringr?
DSD: I'll just be quietly retching in the corner
Havoc: If she's gonna try and burn my neurons to cinders, I'll cut 'em off myself.
It was an enjoyable Saturday morning. Peaceful. Warm. Zack smiled as he curled up to the warm body next to him. It surprised him to see how soft the great Sephiroth could be after great bouts of passionate lovemaking.
Filia: Well that's always a nice start for any fic.
Chrissy: ...Cinnie? Frank? Hold me. I hurt.
Frank: *holds Chrissy.*
Filia: Don't even think about it, neechan.
DSD: You're no fun!
Frank: ...Ok. So. How come we're starting the Lemon -AFTER- the 'Lemon' part?
Cinnie: And I would've thought living in the most northern crater of the planet might have chilled him up some.
Havoc: <Sephiroth> . o O (That better be a remote control up my shorts.)
Frank: <Sephiroth> So.. how did you like THIS 'Makou Infusion', SOLDIER-Boy?!?!?!
Then it hit Zack.
Frank: ...Too easy.
Chriss: Ouch. Sephiroth has... okay, you're right, I'm not touching it.
Filia: <Sephiroth> That 'it' had better be me and it had better be painful.
Chrissy: Fichan, on the other hand...
Filia: He hit him with his fist! His fist!
Havoc: <Zack> Sephi-chan! Watch where you point that thing!
Chrissy: <Zack> SHIT! Today was supposed to be the day of my baby shower!
Cinnie: He had to go to the bathroom?
Chrissy: Nah, it hit him that he was living in a horrible, horrible world of nightmares conjured by some prepubescent 12 year old junior high school girl.
What a greater way to reward the commander than to take him out on the town?
Filia: .......*snort* HAHAHAHA
Chrissy: Shoot him?
DSD: Shoot the author?
Frank: Money? Women?
Frank: Goats?
DSD: There are no goats in this world, Frank. Only Chocobos.
Havoc: Take him out. Period.
Chrissy: Give him the Black Materia or something?
Frank: I believe there has been enough 'Black Materia' given in this fic already.
Havoc: Congratulations, Sephiroth, you're our Grand Prize winner! You receive a four-term stay at the SOLDIER Gaycademy as well as a burning sensation in your rectum ever morning!
After giving his plan much thought, Zack quietly got up from the warm bed, and pulled on his clothes. He had a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed bishonen to discuss the evening's plans with.
Havoc: You leave Asapin out of this!
Filia: <Cloud> Oh Christ. I've sissified enough to qualify as a bishounen now.
Chrissy: ...He wanted to talk the plans over with Rufus?
Frank: No. No. Barret.
Chrissy: You know what more FF7 yaoi needs? Dio.
Frank: And Cait Sith.
~*At Cloud-chan's Dorm*~
Filia: Ready......Aim....FIRE!
Frank: ....-chan?
DSD: <Chrissy> Cloud...chan?
Chrissy: Cloud...chan?
Frank: <Cloud Strife> DON'T USE CHAN WITH MY NAME!!!
Chrissy: IT'S NANA-CHAN DAMMIT.
Havoc: Where Everybody Knows Your Ass o/~
"Hey Cloud!" Zack shouted loudly, while pounding on the door. "Cloudy-poo! Wake up!"
Cinnie: CLOUDY-POO.
Chrissy: We must kill her. Now. Before she writes again.
Frank: ..Hasn't there been enough mention of ass not to have to add 'poo'?
Chrissy: Well, that settles it. From that statement, I can safely say that Zack is most certainly a Fudge Packer.
DSD: You mean you couldn't figure that out from the opening scene?
Chrissy: Hey, how was I supposed to know whether he liked to give it or take it?
DSD: Ok, I suck ass...
Filia: ...
DSD: Not literally
Thump, thump, thump.
Filia: A million images going through my mind.....none of them pleasant....
Cinnie: ...I hope that's not what I think it is.
Frank: Oh shit, the reaming's started again.
Havoc: Woah, both the author's parents and her brother dropped dead from shame.
Chrissy: Damn, there goes Cloud's mental stability. Third time today.
Frank: Run everyone! It's ID! Come from another convoluted game to wreak havoc and pink-haired Mayhem!
"Cloud-CHAN!"
Filia: ...Have at 'er, guys.
Chrissy: <Cloud> I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT IN PUBLIC!
Frank: <Cloud Strife> *LIMITs and OMNISLASHES!!!
Chrissy: <Cloud> *goes super saiyajin level.. wait, never mind, he already is*
Pound, wham.
Chrissy: Yup. He's beating the shit out of Zack for calling him that.
Cinnie: Good.
Frank: Amen.
Suddenly, the door jerked open, and Zack was greeted with the sight of a rather frizzled looking Cloud.
Frank: ...So, Cloud in his usual state?
Havoc: I bet when he's all discombobulated and nerve-wracked, Cloud is perfectly combed.
Chrissy: <Cloud> I just... had the weirdest dream, man... that I was in this threesome with you, and Commander Sephiroth, and GOD was he ever ho... *slaps self* Agh, what was I thinking?!
Cinnie: <Cloud> *Comes to his senses, shoves the buster sword down Zack's throat, and pees on the fic*
"Oh hey, Cloud! 'Sup?" Zack said happily as he barged into the dorm without so much as a 'Can I come in?'
Chrissy: I'd rather him NOT ask that, thank you.
Frank: ...First 'Wassaaaaaap' joke, I kill.
Havoc: Ah, more hints to Zack's place in the chain. He doesn't ask before he comes in.
Frank: <Cloud Strife> Come in? Sure.. I'll COME IN YOUR LEFT EYE!!!
"Zack, dear God, it's four am," Cloud said exasperated.
Chrissy: And Cloud calls himself a Christian? Tsk, tsk. Must be Catholic.
DSD:
<Cloud> And my ass still hurts from last night!
Havoc: <Zack> That's what I love hearing. 'Dear', 'God' and my name all in the same sentence.
Frank: <Cloud Strife> Grammar and sentence structure be damned! I R B SOLDIER A!
"And that's exactly why I'm here!"
Filia: <Cloud> Not tonight, I have a headache...
Frank: <Zack> I am your WAKE UP STRIPPER! *takes his shirt off, dancing to Milli Vanilli.*
Chrissy: What, is this your appointed Hair Gel Sharing Time?
Cloud blinked.
Filia: ...Into another dimension, where he was finally safe from all those nasty fics.
Chrissy: Yeah, people do that sometimes. Authors don't have to point it out every time it happens, though.
Frank: And secretly prayed 'If I keep my eyes closed, they'll never fuck me'.
"We have plans to discuss!"
Filia: <Cloud> Zack, it's way too early to discuss building that treehouse.
Frank: <Zack> BDSM, Crossdressing, or diaper wearing? <Cloud> ...You give this entirely too much thought.
DSD: <Cloud> If it's about going to the Honey Bee Inn for Naked Twister Night, forget it.
"At four am?"
Chrissy: Four am what? Four am Ukraine?
"Yup!"
Filia: ....Eh.
Cinnie: This is the worst dialogue structure I've ever seen.
Chrissy: Forget Sephiroth - it's Zack who's really stabbing Aeris in the back.
Frank: Enjoyable Saturday morning, uh. At four AM. Yeah.. Ok. And all chipper after taking it up the arse.. many times.
Frank: Zack is a Superman.
~*Many, Many Minutes Later.*~
Filia: Let's not elaborate.
Chrissy: ...Because none of them are smart enough to elaborate on their plans more than "Let's go to the grocery store and make out in public and give Sephiroth the pictures"
Frank: ...Ok what the hell happened.
"For the love of God Zack why don't we just take him out to the mall and buy him something from Bath and Body Works?" Cloud moaned as he rubbed his face with shaky hands. Getting a point across to Zack was like teaching a gold fish how to play chess.
Frank: Interesting metaphor there. Did the author come up with it alone or was that all the crack?
Havoc: <Goldfish> Checkmate. <Zack> ....Motherfucker.
Filia: Ahh, yes, Sephiroth seems like the type who likes little animal-shaped soaps and bubble bath.
Cinnie: Sephiroth seems like the strawberry-watermelon type to me too.
Chrissy: So why, again, is Zack the SOLDIER 1st Class and Cloud the lousy flunky Soldier A?
"But I want it to be nice!"
Chrissy: Nice? Oh, right, you wouldn't think of hygiene products as being good things.
"It will be nice, okay?"
Chrissy: What? WHAT will be nice? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL US!
DSD: <Cloud> Even nicer than that double-sided dildo we got him LAST year!
Zack finally gave in, and settled for something a little less extravagant.
Filia: .....Just what the hell did he have in mind.
DSD: And do we really want to know what it is?
Frank: Only a gallon sized barrel of KY Jelly, not a cement mixer full this year.
Havoc: Less extravagant than body wash?
Chrissy: Less extravagant than a bar of soap? Ooh, maybe he'll get Sephiroth that Nutter Butter snack from the vending machine that always gets jammed.
Cloud then pushed Zack out the door and slammed it shut, to prevent anything else from happening.
Filia: ....Like what?
DSD: Damn, not even Elton John is THIS gay...
Havoc: Yeah, we don't want explicit buggering just five minutes into the fic.
Havoc: No wait, there was explicit buggering just five *seconds* into the fic. Nevermind.
Chrissy: <Cloud> Nothing gets me more aroused than a guy living in abject fear of bathing products dropping by to visit at God knows what time of the night.
Zack was left out in the hallway, the sun's rays just beginning to shine trough a few nearby windows. His black hair was in an even larger disorder due to the swift slamming of the dormitory door.
Frank: Wow! Descriptive writing! That autheur spelt gud!
Havoc: And as the dormitory doors slam, so do the days of our lives...
Chrissy: So, what, his hair got dipped in a trough? If anything, that'd make the hair look less like a Dragon Ball character's, not more.
Filia: No, she misspelled "through"...
DSD: No, she meant to say "trough". As in, what Zack apparently eats out of in this fic.
Chrissy: Hey, no insulting Sephiroth, Deep.
Chrissy: ...That's my job.
Then, Zack grinned a very lopsided grin, and took to skipping down the hallways in glee.
Filia: Undoubtedly thinking of the tea cosy he was going to knit Sephiroth for no good reason whatsoever.
Frank: ...Sweet mother of holy crap.
Frank: That is all.
Chrissy: <Aerith back at home> I sure do worry about my boyfriend sometimes.. He's out there, risking his life every day and facing unspeakable hazards... poor guy. *sighs ignorantly*
DSD: A big gay muscular guy in purple is skipping down the hall. Is it me, or does Zack suddenly remind you of Barney on steroids?
~*Back in Sephy's Room*~
Chrissy: ...Dark rituals were being performed, using various body parts taken from his mother as unholy sacrificial offerings.
Filia: <Zack> Sephy! What is she doing in your bed!!
Havoc: <Aerith> *grabs covers* Zack! It's not what it looks like!
Havoc: <Aerith> Yours is bigger, but... his is *longer*.
DSD: <Seph> We're just...trying to save the Cetra from total extinction! Honest!
Sephiroth was currently standing over the tiny Hot Pocket, which was his breakfast for this day.
Filia: As long as he's not standing on it.
Frank: And you wonder why he's gone nuts?
Filia: But I'm sure Hot Pockets make his coat all shiny and lustrous.....I mean....lalala...
Havoc: <Seph> Ah, Mr. Hot Pocket... we meet again. <Hot Pocket> Do you expect me to talk, Mr. Roth? <Seph> No, Mr Hot Pocket, I expect you to DIE! *gobble Hot Pocket*
Chrissy: He took great pleasure in impaling each and every Hot Pocket and eating it while stuck on the end of his sword.
Havoc: <Seph> Speaking of hot pockets, morning Zack!
"Yes." he said dryly. "Where the hell is Zack anyways???"
Filia: Yes what?
Frank: Look... Look! LOOK DAMN YOU! FEAR MY MAD MULTIPLE INTERROGATION MARK SKILLZZ!
Havoc: <Hot Pocket> For the last time, I don't know! I'm just a Hot Pocket!
Chrissy: So he really IS talking to the Hot Pocket?
Filia: Did he dress it up with a tea cosy and is he having a tea party with it?
Chrissy: I think it needs a bonnet.
Chrissy: A bonnet would make it positively divine.
DSD: <Zach> Just a minute, I'm almost done *fap fap fap*
Seph was wearing a tiny pink and white apron, with little itsy bitsy frills down the side.
Filia: ...But does it have a little Piyo-Piyo bird on it?
Chrissy: ....Okay, she's emphasizing our points enough without needing further clarification.
Havoc: <Seph> . o O (Someone kill me now.)
This was his impenetrable protection device.
Filia: Ahhh, I see. The good old Inverse Armor Rule.
DSD: An apron?
Havoc: Maybe she just really really really misspelled condom.
Chrissy: That could work with itsy-bitsy frills too, I guess.
Chrissy: ...I'll shut up.
Filia: Yeah, those are +4/+4 itsy-bitsy oryhalcon frills.
Those Hot Pockets could be demons when you cook them.
Filia: <Seph> Yeah, well, I get mine straight from HELL! That's why! ...What, did you expect me to shop at the grocery store?
DSD: <Seph> *sprinkles Holy Water on hot pockets* The power of God commands you! The power of God commands you!
Chrissy: Times like this are when you KNOW he's Hojo's son.
Havoc: So the man walks in unholy flames when torching entire cities, but when heating up single-serving pastries, then the apron's gotta come on. Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Sephiroth heaved a sigh and turned away from the Hot Pocket. "You want me to eat you. Yes. That's it. You want me to eat you."
Filia: .....Please stop. You're making my Tonberry plushie cry.
DSD: <Cloud/Zack> Is this a trick question?
Chrissy: Is this his idea of foreplay?
Frank: <Sephiroth> ...They're baaaaaaaaack....
Seph's eyes narrowed. He pulled out his beloved Masamune, and faced the Hot Pocket once again.
Chrissy: ...Oh come on now. I was KIDDING about that sword impalement joke earlier.
Filia: Why am I getting Zangulus and Gourry flashbacks?
Havoc: For GOD'S SAKE, even *I* could cut one open with a SPOON!
DSD: <Seph> In the end, there can be only One.
Havoc:
<Seph> If it can't be done with a 255 attack rating, it just shouldn't be done at all.
"I cannot eat you. you. You look like him. Like Cloud," Sephiroth said wistfully as he threw down his sword and quickly picked up the tiny golden-brown breakfast treat. "Your crust is the same color of his hair. Your."
Chrissy: Maybe he should just eat one of Jenova's arms or something instead?
Frank: ...Ok the man needs more than Hot Pockets. The man needs his dose of CRACK.
Havoc: So Seph isn't a giver.
Filia: ....Ok, it looks like which part of Cloud again?
DSD: A long cylindrical object. Probably resembles Cloud's --
Filia: *covers her mouth*
DSD: Oddly enough, he has this conversation EVERY morning.
Zack burst in through the door, smiling widely. The first thing he saw was Sephiroth in a cute apron, then he saw what he was doing to the Hot Pocket.
Filia: <Zack> Sephy, please, I can change! I'll get better!
Havoc: <Seph> Ooooh yeah! Just like that apple pie in that movie!
Frank: ...I thought Hot Pockets already came Cream-Filled.
Filia: Well, you never know, Seph prolly likes to eat meat for breakfast.....
DSD: Cloud. The OTHER white meat.
Chrissy: <Zack> ....That's not fair! How come *I*'m never the one impaled on the end of your sword HUH?!
Zack quirked his eyebrows. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
Filia: <Zack> And if so, can I join in?
DSD: <Seph> You will be, Zack. You WILL be! Mua ha ha ha!
Seph blinked a few times, then placed the Hot Pocket back on the table. "No. No, not at all," he stammered.
Frank: <Seph> Now.. bendover.
Havoc: <Seph> Just you wait, Mr. Hot Pocket. This isn't over. Not by a long shot.
"Good! Because Cloud and I have come up with the perfect way to reward you!"
DSD: <Seph> Finding my mommy so I can go on a world-wide killing spree? <Zack>....Ummm, better!
Frank: <Zack> ...Tickets to the Village People.
Filia: <Seph> A hot bout of ass-ramming?
Chrissy: Ugh... Somehow, I have the feeling it's going to involve big swords and two ends.
Havoc: <Fighter> Don't steal my sword-chucks idea!
Chrissy: ...Right, my mistake, sorry.
"Reward me?"
Havoc: Sephiroth has gained a level!
Filia: Does he get to twirl his sword?
Chrissy: No, fortunately, he just puts his away.
DSD: Yes, he puts his sword in its sheath <Zack>...
"Uh-huh! For being such a sweetie to me!"
Filia: <Seph> I know, I'm such a big snuggly bear.
DSD: <Zack> And letting me NOT be the uke at least once a week!
Sephiroth blanched. "Zack!! I have an image to keep! If you run around telling everyone that I'm so sweet, they'll never ever cower in my presence again!" he whined.
DSD: <Zack> Just light a town on fire. They'll respect you!
Havoc: <Seph> The big kids'll stick me in my locker again!
Chrissy: Hojo has ALL the blackmail baby pictures. He's the one Sephiroth should be concerned with.
"But you deserve it!!! And you don't have to tell anyone you went! Nobody will question your word!"
Filia: Deserve what, to have his reputation destroyed?
Frank: <Seph> ...Word.
By now, both SOLDIERs were shouting loudly at each other. There suddenly came a soft rapping at the older boys' door.
Havoc: <Door> Yo yo homies!
Filia: ...Like a tapping at their chamber door?
Chrissy: No, more like women trying vainly to bolt the door shut.
They simultaneously turned their heads and got an eyefull of a scantly clad Cloud.
Filia: ....That better not be Victoria's Secret.
DSD: <Cloud> Don't you like my new lace thong?
Havoc: Magical Guy Pretty Cloud, to the rescue!
Chrissy: <Cloud> This sword is so heavy to hold in front of me. I should put it down...
He was glaring daggers at the two older men.
Filia: This being Cloud we're talking about, I think he's more likely to glare frickin' huge buster swords at them.
DSD: <Zack/Seph> Ow, that hurts!
Chrissy: <Cloud> NOBODY... STEALS... MY.... APRON.
Frank: <Cloud> ...That hot pocket better have been practice for me, Angel-boi.
"What the HELL. are you two fighting about?!?!" young Cloud said as he shook with rage.
Filia: As opposed to Old Cloud?
Chriss: Well, yeah. Old Cloud would be going, "My face is hot... my arms are trembling... etc, etc..." and Sephiroth would give him the Puppet lecture.
Havoc: Much Older Cloud would be going "My face is hot... my arms are trembling... my bowel movements are irregular..."
Frank: ...Gringr?
DSD: <Cloud> Get off my lawn!
"Cloudy-poo!" Zack exclaimed as he hopped up and down.
Frank: Cloudy isn't the only 'poo' in this story, I garantee that..
Filia: <Tonberry Plushie> Mommy? Please make the hurting stop?
Sehpiroth blushed as he saw poor, tired Cloud and in nothing but a small t-shirt and loose-fitting shorts.
Filia: That's scantily? I was hoping for a bikini at least...
Chrissy: ...That's scantily clad? boxers?
Havoc: Casual wear for this kind of crowd is small *shorts* and a loose-fitting *t-shirt*. She's got it all wrong.
Frank: <T-Shirt> I got reamed up the ass by a legendary General and all I got was this Lousy T-Shirt.
Seph liked Zack, but he loved Cloud. He and Zack had a give and take relationship.
Filia: Ahh, here we are, seme and uke.
Havoc: Everything has its place once more.
Havoc: And, just like everywhere else, blondes get all the action.
Chrissy: Why is this author wasting her time on FF7 fiction when she could be fraternizing with the X fanfic-writing community?
DSD: Or Weiss Kreuz
Havoc: Though I could see the author herself be an extra for Super Gals! Kotobuki Ran.
DSD: And we STILL haven't seen a gay orgy scene, dammit!
Frank: Young man.. if you like what you see, I say Young man! If you enjoy Sodomy~ There's a place you can go, where everyone is homo! And that place is the... well, you know.
Filia: Gay Academy?
Zack would give affection, and Seph would greedily take it.
Filia: So Seph is the uke then, you guys owe me 10$.
Chrissy: What a womanizer.
Frank: In return, Seph would give penetration, and Zack would ana........ ok this is getting too low.
DSD: <Zack> Yeah! Take it! Take it all! Take it like a MAN!
Havoc: <Zack> Sephie-poo wants a cookie? <Seph> *crunch*
Filia: Sephy-poo wants a nookie? *hides*
Frank: Meanwhile, somewhere in time, Aerith and Tifa cried without knowing why.
Havoc: Though some of us like to think they cried out in the throes of mutual passion.
"C-Cloud!" the mighty commander stuttered as he saw the look the younger bishonen was giving him.
Filia: He sure doesn't seem that mighty now.
Havoc: Cloud's a bish?
Chrissy: He's more of a pirate than a commander, don't you think?
Frank: He be a Butt Pirate. Arr.
"Do you know how loud you two are????" Cloud asked angrily. Zack shook his head in a naïve manner. Seph gulped.
Chrissy: <Sephiroth> .....HE STARTED IT! *points at the Hot Pocket accusingly*
Filia: Yep. At 5' 7", Cloud sure can cow his 6' 1" superior.
Frank: ...You know, I'm beginning to think Cloud in shorts is a sight to behold if his Li'l Cloud can make Sephiroth gulp from accross the room.
Havoc: <Cloud> You're screaming over the voices in my head!
"It's SIX am! I have to get up for academic practice in thirty minutes!!!"
Filia: What, it took Zack 2 hours to skip back from Cloud's room?
Havoc: Maybe he stopped by his classmates' rooms on the way.
DSD: <Cloud> They're demonstating how to take it all and not choke today! I can't miss it!
Chrissy: Obviously he needs it, with the amount of exclamation marks he's using.
Zack smiled widely and wiggled his eyebrows. "Cloud, you don't need sleep! You're a young boy, you have plenty of energy to spare."
Filia: <Zack> So why don't you use that overflowing energy on us?
Frank: ..Please. Don't mention 'overflowing' in a yaoi fic.
Chrissy: ....Sore wa kocchi no serifu da... GMTA.
Havoc: Silly boys... don't they know night only falls when you're sleeping at an inn?
Chrissy: Or during plot events.
DSD: Or around Cosmo Canyon. Ever notice it's always dark there?
Chrissy: No, Midgar area is darker.
Frank: <Cloud Strife> You know maybe I should let them kill me NOW, avoid the sad.. sad concept of Barret in a Sailor suit later.
If Cloud hadn't been so tired, he would've been sure that Zack was coming onto him.
Filia: .......DUH.
Havoc: And then he'd have needed another shower.
Chrissy: Fortunately, the fog of sleep was still around him, protecting him from that which would otherwise destroy his fragile, fragmented mind.
Frank: And if Zack hadn't been so gay, he'd have found it horrible that his superior officer packs his fudge every night, sued for sexual harrassement, gotten him discharged on the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' rule, and been a rich, retired SOLDIER by now. But noooo~
"Zack, I'm not like you. I can't live on PopTarts."
Havoc: <Hot Pocket> You've been CHEATING on me!
DSD: <Zack> Leave Aerith out of this! I mean...la la la la la...
Chrissy: I'm not touching that.
Frank: I agree. Hey, Chrissy, wanna play.. War? I got cards.
Chrissy: OOH. OK.
Zack grinned and pulled a hand through his spiky hair. "Well, who cares anyways? Since we're all here we should get ready!"
DSD: <Zack> I'll get the dildo, Cloud, you get the greased up midgets!
"Were are we going?" Seph and Cloud asked at once.
DSD: <Zack> Straight to hell.
Havoc: And we're going first class.
Filia: Were we where what?
"To McDonald's! I've got the munchies."
Filia: So why don't you eat Sephiroth's hot pocket....*sly look*
Havoc: That explains everything! So that's what's flowing in them Mako tanks...
DSD: Yes, the real power behind Shin-Ra isn't Rufus but Ronald McDonald, who rules Midgard with an iron oversized novelty glove.
"You never said I had to come along," Cloud said slowly.
Filia: <Cloud> Yeah, that kind of timing is really hard to get....
DSD: <Cloud> Cuz I get carsick, ya know...
Chrissy: Because Cloud knows Zack only understands things when you say them slowly and spell them out clearly.
"And I never heard anything about any McDonald's." Seph stated.
Filia: <Zack> Well, it's not built yet, but it will be soon, I'm sure of it!
Havoc: <Seph> I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese! Waaaaah!
"Well," Zack said quietly, as if in thought. "Here's the plan! We'll all go out and get some breakfast, then we'll go out somewhere and look around, and come home. Ok?"
DSD: <Cloud> Sounds like a really crappy plan, but ok.
Havoc: As if in thought? At least the author's honest.
Chrissy: You know, it's not like they have time off from being in SOLDIER. Unless President ShinRa doesn't mind granting temporary leave to boys who want to go off and frolic together.
DSD: As long as he can watch, it's ok.
Filia: And I certainly never figured Midgar to be an especially pleasant city to go sight-seeing....
Sephiroth pulled off the apron and smoothed out his black outfit. "Is that all?"
Filia: Aww, here I thought he was naked under the apron.
Chrissy: Aww, and it was such a cute apron too.
Havoc: Bah, you can probably win that apron at the Golden Saucer as a boob prize.
Zack nodded.
"Good. Cloud, come with us just to make sure Zack doesn't do anything stupid."
DSD: <Cloud> Too late for that, isn't it?
Filia: Oh yeah, like THAT's gonna stop him.
Chrissy: ...You know, this reminds me an awful lot of Nibelheim. <Sephiroth> Cloud? Come with us to make sure Zack doesn't do anything stupid. <Cloud> *comes in later* ...Woa, he tried to kill Sephiroth? DAMN that was stupid. Oh well, let's go home Tifa.
Havoc: That's like bringing an elephant to a party to make sure the cat doesn't get too rowdy.
Cloud, who had secretly made his way over to the Hot Pocket and had devoured the poor thing in two bites, merely nodded. Going somewhere with the two best ranking SOLDIERs in the academy would get him out of a few tests. It's all good.
Chrissy: Oh my god. Cloud ate Sephiroth's Hot Pocket. All good, huh...?
Havoc: <Seph> You ate my Hot Pocket. I will kill you for that later. Hell, I'll torch your entire village while I'm at it! And your little boy toy, too!
DSD: Remember kids, don't eat Hot Pockets or Mommy-Obsessed-Bish-From-Hell will get you.
Filia: Chrissy, THAT's why Cloud is the lousy flunky Soldier A: cause he keeps skipping tests to go frolicking with boys.
Chrissy: Only because he knows he has to forego studying and go to bed early, since someone keeps him up at all hours of the night, then wakes him up again the next morning at 4 AM. CHRIST.
"Goody!" Zack declared as he jumped with glee. "To the Seph Mobile!"
Havoc: XD ...too... frozen... with laughter... to comment...
Filia: ....Well, I guess it's better than calling it the Sir Rusts-a-lot...
DSD: Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na....ZACK MAN!
Chrissy: I guess I shouldn't make any Mach Sephy jokes, since nobody would get them.
Havoc: <Zack> The Seph Mobile's a two-seater. Cloud, you take the bus.
And Zack ran out the door, humming the tune from the old BatMan movies.
DSD: See? I'm psychic.
Chrissy: ........
DSD: <Zack> To the Gay Mobile, Uke Wonder! <Cloud>...
Havoc: ...And that's when the local Shin-Ra delivery truck ran him over like so much high-ranking businessmen.
Seph blinked, then realized he was in a room alone with Cloud. Sephiroth blushed a dark shade of red, and panicked.
Havoc: <Seph> My mascara's running, my mascara's running!
Chrissy: <Sephiroth> ...No... don't say it... pleasedon'tsayit... <Cloud> SOOO. Where's that 5 gil you owe me? <Sephiroth> NOOOO, I was hoping you forgot!
Filia: <Seph> . o O (Ok, which one's the salad fork and which one's the dessert fork?!)
'Dear God what do I do what do I do??' he thought hastily. Cloud looked his direction and managed a weak smiled.
Filia: <Cloud> *thinking* That poor pathetic slob.. he really thinks he has a chance to get me in the bag, heh
Chrissy: Damn, Filia stole my line.
Filia: Na na nanana! :P
Havoc: <Seph> . o O (Cloud, I do believe you need a good [ ] buggering [ ] haircut [ ] killing)
DSD: <Cloud> *thinking* God, what a balless loser Sephy is. I'd never do him.
Filia: <Cloud> Seph.....is that cream on the front of your pants?
"Get out!" Seph barked. 'Ack! No!'
DSD: In...out...in...out...Seph can't make up his mind.
Filia: Out and in...out and in...^_^
Filia: <Seph> What I mean is...Die! No, that's not it either!
Chrissy: Why does one line have "two quotation marks," and the next line only have 'one quotation mark?'
Cloud's smile faded and he walked out the door, while throwing casual looks over his shoulder.
Havoc: <Cloud> Can he see me now? Good. ....Can he see me now? Good!
DSD: <Cloud> Don't you love to watch my tushie sway as I walk, Seph-baby?
Filia: <Cloud> Gee, what a grouch...so much for him being so sweet with Zack and me or whatever, huh...
Seph stood confused for a second, pondering what he'd just done. "Idiot!!!"
Filia: <Seph> What's the matter with him? I only told him to get the hell out of my room, no big deal...
Havoc: <Seph> Damnit, that's right! I like the blond one! I hate the brown one! I always get those two mixed up!
~*In Seph's Car*~
"Zack, set down. No, don't touch the stereo. I said don't touch it! Stop playing with the windows! Just be good! No, no. I don't care if you're the best lover around. Be good!"
Chrissy: Zack is starting to remind me of Saddam Hussein in the South Park Movie.
Havoc: All the best lovers in the world are high-maintenance. Then again, that's the price of having a guy around who can never stop fiddlings with his hands.
Filia: <Seph> Shake hands! Good boy!
DSD: You get a cookie.
Filia: You get a nookie.
Sephiroth and Zack were arguing in the sporty black convertible that belonged to no other than the great Seph himself.
Havoc: It's a hearse with the top down!
DSD: Big sword...sporty car...Seph is always overcompensating...
Chrissy: Yes, we GOT that idea from the ~*In Seph's Car*~ post 3 lines ago, complete with ~**~
He'd agreed to take his car along only if Zack would not touch anything. So far, Zack had touched everything.
Filia: Including the....stick shift.
Havoc: <Seph> Don't touch the little red button!
DSD: Meanwhile, Cloud is STILL at the apartment, trying to figure out how to get the hell OUT of this story.
Filia: Join the club.
"Cloud! Where are you?" Sephiroth barked out as he literally laid on the horn.
Filia: Oh geez, even the horn is getting laid in this fic.
Chrissy: Must.. refrain... from bad puns....
DSD: Filia beat you to it.
Havoc: <Cloud> Stop bothering me, dammit, I'm in another introspective flashback!
Suddenly, Zack stood up in the leather seat and began waving wildly as he spotted the younger bishonen exiting the Shin-Ra building.
Havoc: <Zack> Yoo-hoo, sailor boy! Whoops, sorry, that came out by itself.
Filia: <Zack> He's over there, he's trying to run away! Quick, after him! <Seph> Don't worry, we'll catch him or run him over trying!
"Cloud-chan! Cloud-chan! Here! HERE!" he yelled.
Filia: <Cloud> ...Zack, I'll kill you for this, one day, one clean shot in the back when you least expect it..
DSD: <Seph> Aww! I wanted to stab him! <Cloud> You'll use any excuse to stick your sword in someone.
"Zack!!! Don't stand up in the seats!!!!!" Seph said in an exhausted voice. "Please set down!"
DSD: <Seph> Sit! Stay! Good Zack!
Filia: It's moments like these when I can understand why he'd set people on fire.
Zack stuck out his lower lip and pouted as he hopped back into his seat.
DSD: <Zack> Sephy is a meanie-poo head.
Filia: Remind me again how that retard made it to first class? He slept with the general, right?
DSD: Yep. One blowjob per level
Chrissy: Filia: .....you don't mean HEIDEGGER?!
DSD: I'd be surprised if anyone could find Heidegger's <censored> under the flab.
Filia: NEECHAN!
Chrissy: Gross, but true.
"And don't jump in the car!"
Filia: <Seph> I never know when I might need the suspension to be at its best!
Havoc: <Seph> You'll ruin the shagbed boxspring!
Chrissy: <Seph> I just CLEANED this leather dammit!
Filia: ...I don't wanna know WHY it was previously dirty.
Cloud walked down the front of the academy's steps slowly, as if he was dreading this whole trip.
Filia: I believe "as if" is superfluous here.
Chrissy: What, they're still going on a trip after his little spat with Seph?
Havoc: <Cloud> Man, I hate going shopping for body wash...
DSD: I can see the future of this story. Chapter Six: Sephiroth Finally Cranks the Car.
Havoc: Not the SephiroCar!
He sighed dejectedly as he walked up to Seph's car, pulled the back door open, and sat down heavily.
Havoc: And broke the suspension. The Sephmobile's just not what it used to.
Frank: Well, with an ass that's now so large, obviously, he can't sit lightly.
"Cloud-chaaan!" Zack said happily. "Are we ready?"
DSD: <Cloud> Call me Cloud-chan again and I'll be ready to chop 'em off.
Filia: Good grief, was Zack really such a little Miss Sunshine?
Frank: <Cloud Strife> ...TO RUMBLE, you #^%#ing bastard?! YES! *kicks Zack in the nuts.*
Cloud nodded unhappily as the car was thrown into drive and the academy was left behind.
Frank: ...There's always a mention of someTHING's behind in this, isn't there?
DSD: Kill Zack and then turn your sword on yourself, Cloud. It's the only way to get out of this fic.
~At the mall.~
Filia: You gotta love the poetry in all those scene changes, man. A true masterpiece, I tell you! *wipes tear*
Chrissy: GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN~
Havoc: The Shin-Ra mall? The Midgar mall? The Kalm mall? The suspense is killing me!
Havoc: Wait a minute. Silly SOLDIERs... don't they know the only place you need to go to to find anything you need is the item shop?
Frank: Come on and join your fellow man! ~At the Ma~ll~ You can sail the seven seas!... oh, wrong song?.. hm. Well, considering this fic, it's easily confuseable.
After many hours of shopping, Sephiroth and Cloud both were dragging their feet.
DSD: Over their shoulders on a string, since they had long fallen off.
Chrissy: <Zack> Now it's time for DDR! <Sephiroth/Cloud> .....Dear GOD NOOOOOOOO
Filia: <Seph> I only managed to find two pairs of pants, several black shirts and a little scarf, and I still don't have anything to match my socks. <Cloud> Don't complain, I'm still looking for earrings to go with those new shoes I bought, and I just can't seem to find any dress that won't make me look fat!
Frank: <Cloud Strife> ...I say when he walks past the models in the lingerie store, and turns away in disgust... you stab him like he's an Ancient and we make a break for it. <Sephiroth> Agreed.
DSD: You know, the more I read this fic the more I realize Zack DESERVED to be gunned down by common grunts.
Zack had spent all of his money, and now he was working on Sephiroth's.
Filia: ......*whistles and doesn't say a thing*
Frank: ...I refuse to comment.
Chrissy: Sigh.
Havoc: <Sephiroth> And now, Zack, you die... for Jenova! *SLASH* For the Cetra! *SLASH* And for that fifty bucks you never gave back, dammit! *SLASHSLASH*
Zack hastily threw his bags into Cloud's arms and ran up to a small bookstore.
Filia: Oh PLEASE now, they can't be that big--Oh.....shopping bags.
DSD: <Zack> The Further Adventures of AssMaster! Improved Anal Plundering and you! Yaaaay!
Frank: <Zack> PORN! Pornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornporn! *running to the bookstore*
Chrissy: Must.. avoid.. Austin Powers quotes...
DSD: Zack could probably use that penis enlarger pump...
"OH MY GOD!" Zack said as he grabbed arm fulls of books. "They have the Harry Potter™ books!"
Filia: Like every bookstore outside of Afghanistan and the Bible Belt. What are you spazzing out about?
Havoc: Great. More tales of young children with funny hats. No wonder SOLDIER's so screwed up.
DSD: Is anyone surprised that Zack is a pedophile? <Everybody> NO
Chrissy: Incredible! She actually knows how to type the TM sign!
Sephiroth and Cloud exchanged glances. Zack continued to bicker loudly.
Frank: <Cloud Strife> Fire3? <Sephiroth> Fire3.
Filia: With the voices in his head? Or a talking aspen?
Chrissy: No, with the salesman who told him he was frightening the other customers.
"But I wish I could have adventures like these!!! Harry's my hero! Hey! I know!!!"
DSD: <Zack> Let's ruin yet ANOTHER genre for the audience!
Filia: Quiet, you cur, you're insulting Harry Potter by figuring among his fans.
Havoc: So even in FF7, black mages held positions of power in the minds of the populace.
DSD: And somewhere in Scotland JK Rowling sobbed violently in her sleep and felt nauseous.
Chrissy: You know, you DO have Materia of your own...
Sephiroth slowly pulled the books from Zack's arms and set them back on their shelves, then pushed the bishonen out of the store.
Filia: I wouldn't call Zack a bishounen if he held his sword to my throat.
Havoc: Why is Seph pushing himself out of the store?
Frank: Bishounen? Where? Zach was like a redyed Son Goku. That doesn't ring as 'Bishounen' in my book. In fact, no muscle bound, battler scarred machine of ass whup with a sword that big should be 'Bishounen'.
Chrissy: No, Frank, he was Radditz.
Filia: He was a vegetable at any rate.......*whistles*
Frank: Yeah but no one remembers Radditz.
DSD: We try to forget him. And his lack of pants.
They had to make a break for the car before Zack got any wild ideas.
Filia: Every single idea Zack had since the beginning of this fic was wild. Your only hope is to cure the problem at the source and cut off his head like a Jenova.
Havoc: And as we all know, bookstore-brand wild ideas are the worst.
DSD: Because they still hadn't quite recovered from the time Zack substituted peanut butter for KY
Filia: Ugh. There goes my hope of eating peanut butter toast later.
Frank: ...ROAR! Why puny fic writer so bad?! Fic writer make Frank mad! FRANK SMASH!!
Chrissy: What, wild ideas involving dressing up as Harry Potter characters and having an orgy in public?
"WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN DAMN HARRY POTTER ADVENTURE!"
Chrissy: .... *slaps forehead*
DSD: Gee, why didn't you think of that three pages ago? We could have skipped the useless mall scene and at least some of your rampant gayness!
Frank: ...Sweet mother of crap. God truly does hate those who read Harry Potter.
Havoc: And I'll have my own damn lobotomy! Everyone's happy!
Cloud grimaced. "How," he started slowly, "do you suppose we're going to do that?"
Filia: *slaps Cloud to hell and back for asking this and thus GETTING ZACK TO ELABORATE*
Frank: ...At which point Sephiroth stops acting out of character, foams at the mouth, barks, and stabs Zack right through the left eyeball.
Chrissy: This is right around the time Sephiroth needs to just get it over with. Take them to the reactor, impale them both, and have done with it.
Zack scratched the back of his head as he thought. "Hm. I guess we'll have to find Harry Potter first! Then we'll ask him how to have a Harry Potter AdventureT!"
Filia: Ah, but of course. That made perfect sense. Now, remind me, was this before or after his brain was irretrievably damaged by lots of toxic jenova cells?
Frank: ...What are the qualifications for SOLDIERs, anyways? Apparently, Elementary-Level common sense isn't.
Chrissy: This had better not involve child pornography.
DSD: <Harry> Damn, it's not enough that my family hates me, or Snape/Malfoy hates me, or Voldemort. Now you're sending The Ambiguously Gay Trio after me. Great.
Frank: There's nothing ambiguous about them.
Havoc: <Lockhart> Visitors? Wonderful! *puts on some Hot Pockets*
DSD: I say we sic Snape on these guys.
Filia: Neechan! What did Snape ever do to you? Besides, Alan Rickman is too hot for the likes of them.
DSD: Point.
The others blinked.
Filia: ...out of existence from the sheer shock.
Havoc: As sprites usually do every fifty animation frames. It's just added realism.
Chrissy: AGAIN WITH THE BLINKING.
"Then," Zack continued, "Seph-sama can be Lord Voldemort!"
Frank: Mort this. *stabby stabby!*
Havoc: <Sephiroth> But I wanted to be Ron!
DSD: <Sephiroth> Or Hermione...
DSD: <Seph> ....Ultima? <Cloud> Ultima.
Frank: You know what this fic needs? A really, really drunk Chuck Heston.
Frank: Why? Why not. Nothing else here makes sense.
DSD: I say it needs a nice Summon to put the characters and the writer out of our misery.
Well, what'dya think???? I hope u enjoyed it. R&R! n tell me if u want me 2 continue or not.
Havoc: We want u to chug paint!!!!!
Chrissy: ....Is it over? Is this a promise?
Filia: I think I speak for everybody here when I say I will personally hunt you down and feed you to Cthulhu if you ever write again?
Chrissy: Agreed.
DSD: It's OVER! *Sobs quietly on Filia's shoulder*
Frank: RARGH! FIC NO MAKE SENSE! FRANK MAD! MADDER FRANK GET, BITCHIER FRANK GET! ROAR! *befouls fic.*
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